sarah paulson mental health one shots

drowning [continued]

cordelia goode - drowning
content warning : suicidal ideation, self harm, depression
authors note : sorry it took me two months for this lmfao

-

it had been more than three months since you handed cordelia your razor blades that day in her office. that meant it had been more than three months since you'd cut yourself, and you hadn't genuinely considered offing yourself in a while. things were actually taking a turn for the better. that is, until school got out for the summer. it was funny because most people got depressed during the winter, it's a literal disorder. but not you. being left with no structure and nothing to do all the time always led to your mental health declining, you had just hoped this year it would be different. but no, of course it wasn't. you and cordelia had worked on different coping mechanisms to turn to when you wanted to hurt yourself : journaling, taking a walk, talking to her. but nothing quite relieved you the way cutting did.

"y/n?" cordelia peeped her head into your room. "i'm heading to the grocery store, do you want to come?"

perfect.

"i'm kinda tired, i think i'm just gonna lay down for a bit."

"okay. love you."

"love you too."

and she left.

the best part of this whole thing was gaining cordelia's trust back, because now you could be left alone again.

just when the door slammed, you stood up from your bed and went to cordelia's room. the blades had to be in there somewhere, and if they weren't you always had backup options. but just as you had suspected, they were in her bathroom drawer. you took them back to your room and locked the door, just in case someone came home. when you got urges, it was the only thing on your mind. you didn't care about what would happen if cordelia found out, or that you were throwing away almost four months, you just needed a release. you slid the blade across your thigh a few times, and watching the blood come out of the fresh wounds gave you a sense of euphoria. until about five minutes later when you finally snapped out of your trance, and were sobbing in a ball on your floor because of what you'd done. you didn't notice how long you'd been in the floor until you heard the front door slam shut. fuck. you had to hide the blades and the fact that you'd been crying. you quickly hid the blades in your underwear drawer and washed your face in the bathroom.

"y/n, you know you're not supposed to lock your door." cordelia was at your door, rattling the door knob.

"sorry." you opened the door and her face dropped.

"are you alright? have you been crying?"

"i'm fine. just got a little overwhelmed. but i'm all good now." you plastered a fake smile on your face.

"alright." she half smiled and walked towards her room.

you'd thought you convinced her, until she called for you from her room. a panicky feeling overtook you and you quickly went to her room.

"what's up?" your voice was shaky, but you played it off.

"i think you know what i'm going to say."

"i have no clue what you're talking about."

"this is your last chance to be honest with me."

"i genuinely do not know what you're talking about."

"right. where are they?"

fucking shit. your knees began to shake and you could feel a lump forming in your throat.