sarah paulson mental health one shots

ill try

wilhemina venable - ill try
content warning : depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm

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the past few weeks had been extremely difficult for you mentally. you hadn't showered in god knows how long and your hair was greasy and so knotted that you didn't even know if you'd be able to brush it out. trash, clothes and dishes covered your entire apartment. if wilhemina saw your apartment she would be beyond disappointed with you. you were disappointed with you. a worthless piece of shit. everyone's lives would be so much better if you just took a razor to your wrists or swallowed a bottle of pills. you had been so consumed in your thoughts that you didn't even hear your girlfriend banging on the door.

"god dammit! y/n! open the door!"

you physically couldn't bring yourself to stand up.

she must have remembered where you kept the spare key, because she stopped jiggling the door knob and then the door swung open.

"for fucks sake." she stepped inside. "jesus y/n. what the hell? it's disgusting in here."

you turned away from her and looked towards the wall.

"if you're going to ignore me for two weeks and live in filth, you could at least look at me when i'm speaking to you."

tears prickled at your eyes.

"y/n?"

she stepped towards the couch and sat next to you.

"darling?"

you turned to face her.

"you can go." you said weakly.

"hey, what is going on?" she grabbed your hand.

"nothing. just go."

"no. darling, tell me what's wrong."

your throat cramped at the feeling of trying to hold back tears. she reached to stroke your hair and felt the knots. pulling her hand back, she placed it on your neck instead. tears sprung from your eyes at the realization that wilhemina knew all of this about you now. she was disgusted with you. you quickly began to lose your breath and choke.

"hey, hey. you're okay. breathe."

she pulled you into her chest, trying to calm you down. once you were breathing normally again, she stood up.

"i'll be right back."

she laid you down and you immediately drifted to a barely conscious state, just like when she got there. you heard the bath running, and then wilhemina walked back to you.

"okay, we're gonna take a bath alright?"

you shook your head and she lifted you up, dropping her cane in the process.

"mina stop." you muttered.

she lifted you up, wincing in pain. you wanted to walk yourself but you couldn't. somehow she managed to bring you all the way to the bathroom and sat you on the toilet.

"i'm gonna take off your clothes. is that alright?"

you nodded and wilhemina reached to lift your shirt. when she pulled your pants off, revealing the cuts on your body, you winced. she pretended she didn't notice and continued on. once she had you undressed, she pulled her hair back into a low ponytail and placed you in the bath. as soon as she let go of you, you fell back, almost laying down.

"oh my baby." you could see in her eyes that she was holding back tears.

she slid into the bath behind you, leaning your back on her chest, and you nuzzled into her embrace.

"i'm here now. you're okay."

she stroked her hand on your head again and decided that dealing with your hair was too great a feat for the night. she washed just your body and then climbed out of the tub, discarding her wet clothes on the floor and wrapping a towel around herself. after draining the tub, she pulled you out and wrapped a towel around you.

once she had you dressed and back in your bed, she climbed in beside you and spooned you, stroking your hair.

"tomorrow i'm gonna clean up and maybe work on your hair?"

"i'm sorry mina." tears filled your cheeks and dripped onto your pillow.

"hey, don't apologize." she squeezed your hand.

"no, you shouldn't have to do this. i'm an embarrassment."

"don't you ever think like that. i love you, and i always will. even through times like these."

you couldn't even get words out because you were choking on tears.

"and i'm sorry for how i reacted earlier, i didn't mean any of it."

you nodded to acknowledge her words. you knew she didn't mean it, but it felt good to hear her say it.

"i know you saw my cuts. earlier, in the bath."

"i didn't want to say anything."

"and i appreciate that, but i wanted to let you know that i'm fine."

"you can talk to me y/n. i want you to talk to me."

"it's just how i cope. but i've been trying and i've been clean for around a week now."

"i'm proud of you. but please, don't isolate yourself when things get bad. call me."

"i'll try. but it's not always that easy."

"i know."

there was an uncomfortable silence for a second before you said something.

"i'm scared."

"of what?"

"that i'm gonna do something to myself. hurt myself, i mean."

"do you want to hurt yourself right now?"

"i don't know how to explain it. if you left right now, i probably wouldn't, but something is always telling me i should."

"i think i should come stay with you for a while. until you're feeling better or until we find someone, a professional, to help you."

"you don't have to do that."

"i know that baby. i want to."

"i'd like that."

"then it's settled."

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authors note : ew i hate this okay whatever