sarah paulson mental health one shots

not enough

cordelia goode - not enough
content warning - binging, purging, restriction, body dysmorphia, body image, calories
authors note : i don't personally struggle with ednos so this might not be accurate, super sorry if its not

-

you were starving, it was five pm and you hadn't eaten yet. you decided you could let yourself have an apple and a piece of toast. that was it. once you finished that though, the hunger only increased. and then before you knew it you had consumed an entire pint of ice cream, three more pieces of toast, a chocolate bar, and half a bag of chips. panic sparked inside of you as your fear of food creeped back in. you had to get rid of it. tears were streaming down your face as you shoved your fingers down your throat and vomit came up, splashing into the toilet.

"y/n?" cordelia knocked on the door. "open the door."

"what?" you stood up and flushed the toilet, hoping she didn't hear anything.

"i said open the door."

how long had she been standing there, listening to you vomit into the toilet?

"y/n." she knocked loudly again.

you swung the door open.

"what?"

"what were you doing in there?"

"peeing?" you laughed and tried to sound confident in your answer, but it came out shaky.

"i was standing here quite a while."

"listening to me pee?" you asked your girlfriend sarcastically.

she sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing she was getting nowhere.

the throwing up wasn't enough to rid you of the food, or the guilt.

"i'm going on a run." you pushed past cordelia, trying to get to your room, but she grabbed your wrist.

"why don't you talk to me?"

"christ cordelia, you're not my mom. and don't ever grab me like that again."

she released your arm and let you leave, watching you as you left.

you put on your shoes and ran. you just ran. for miles, until your legs went numb and you threw up, for the second time, into a bush on the side of the road. you were so far from your apartment that you shared with your girlfriend, and quite frankly, it was the last place you wanted to be. cordelia had definitely heard you vomiting earlier, and she would wait to bring it up. the exhaustion from the running gave you a sense of euphoria, until your face landed on the cold concrete.

darkness.

-

when you woke up it was dark outside, and you were in your bed. how did you get back in your bed?

"baby, you're awake."

you gasped as cordelia stood up from the chair in the corner of your room, you hadn't even seen her sitting there. you tried to sit up and get out of the bed, but she stopped you.

"no."

"what?"

"you don't get to walk away this time."

"cordelia, how many times do i have to say it : you're not my mother."

"i don't give a fuck if i'm not your mother, you need to tell me is going on. why the hell did i drive down the goddamn street and find you lying on the sidewalk unconscious?"

her profanities took you aback. she was pissed.

"i-" you didn't know what to say.

"y/n i heard you earlier, in the bathroom." her tone was more calm.

"what are you talking about?"

"please. i just want you to talk to me."

a thick, uncomfortable silence occupied the room.

"why were you throwing up in the bathroom y/n?"

"i was sick."

"if you were sick you wouldn't have gone on a run after. i notice things. i notice when food goes missing, or when food doesn't get touched. i notice the way you over exercise after the food goes missing, and the way you are a total bitch when the food is untouched. i can tell something is wrong and i just want to help."

"i'm okay."

"stop saying that! 'okay' people don't shove their fingers down their throat over a toilet and then go run until they pass out on the side of the road!"

you hated when she raised her voice at you.

"you're sick y/n."

"i am not." tears brimmed your eyes and she pulled you into her chest.

"what's going on darling? you can talk to me. i am your safe place, and i always will be."

"i hate it. i hate myself and i hate the way i look. i hate that i can't just starve like those other girls, and i hate that i stuff my face and then shove my fingers down my throat to get rid of it. i'm just a weak piece of shit."

you were bawling your eyes out, and cordelia was rocking you back and forth.

"i have no idea how you're feeling right now, which makes it hard for me to console you, but i know you're hurting, badly. and i hate when you're hurting."

"i just want to be okay. i just want to look in the mirror and not hate everything about myself."

"i know baby. i want to help you, but i just don't know how. you need someone who does."

"like a therapist?"

"yeah, like a therapist. i'm going to find you one and we're going to get through this, alright."

you nodded and drifted back to sleep, taking in your girlfriends warm embrace.