The Father

Chapter 12

"What if she remembers?"

I shake my head and finish off my cigarette.

"She won't. She was sleepwalking. Done it for years, since she was a little girl. Never remembers."

She's nervous and fidgety and somehow I'm calmer. I've got much more to lose out of the two of us, so I'm surprised.

"Besides, if she remembered don't you think she'd have said something by now?"

I motion at the doors, she glances inside, and I do, too. After breakfast I told everyone to start packing to get ready to leave, but followed her out here. 

"You probably spent all night worrying about this, baby. You should've waited for me to come back down."

"I didn't want to risk it," she mutters.

She tries to sound nonchalant, but her voice is shaking. I'd like to hold her now, but I can't. It's daylight and they're right inside and it's way too risky.

"I promise you that she doesn't remember a thing, except maybe me putting her back to bed. Usually when she does remember something, she'll ask me about it. I'm always the one finding her."

I can't help myself, so I place a hand on her shoulder, and squeeze it reassuringly.

"I promise it's alright," I whisper. "Let's get ready to leave. I've asked Maxwell when he works and he's scheduled for tonight, so I'm going to come and see you. I'd like to finish off what we started last night."

She sighs.

"Maybe we should cool things off for a little bit."

I'm stunned. The thought makes me sick. Can I go a day without her? I didn't get to come last night, didn't get to really touch her, and I'm all backed up. And agitated now that she's said this.

"How long is a bit, Katherine?"

"I don't know, Michael."

I nod and sigh and go inside without another word. As I climb the stairs I'm trying to calm down and control myself. Lena has packed most of our things, except the clothes we're going to be wearing today. I've already showered and shaved, so I begin to get dressed. I'm wearing her "dad look," as she called it last time, jeans and a pocket t-shirt and tennis shoes. After I've finished I stare at myself in the mirror, but can't meet my own eyes.

I force it and make myself stare into them. My face is sunburnt and red, but that's doesn't matter. There's that feeling of shame again. It's a lot of things built up. Shame about being with Katherine, shame about sleeping with Lena, shame about my fathers death. It's all built up and I need some sort of release. It's going to be something small that sets me off and I'll implode on myself and get it over with.

Maybe I should just tell Lena now. Get it out in the open. Get it over with. I'll leave her and I can get an apartment and see Katherine whenever I want to. But I have to remind myself that I'll lose my daughter and son, too. I keep forgetting that when I get these thoughts. I block out that I'd rather have her than them because I can't think that, I love my children more than anything, even if I have the ability to hate one of them right now. It's not even his fault, how can I hate him?

"We need to get going, don't you think?"

I snap out of it and nod at her. I carry our bags down the stairs slowly and as I load them into the car Maxwell and Katherine are loading up their rental as well. I don't look at her, avoid her eyes, and finish up as quickly as possible. I'm not looking forward to this plane ride in the slightest bit, not now that I know I won't be seeing her later tonight after we've settled in.