Finding myself (18+)

Chapter 1

I maintain my eyes on the object, I refuse to look away and give up. It has probably been an hour since I took it and sustain the staring context. I'm determined to use my vibrator and find independence in the sex domain. I don't need any guy.

Especially not him.

I attempt envisioning something erotic, creating an entire scene in my head but looking at it seems so cold, so impersonal. I position it in different angles, finally taking it in my hand and closing my eyes.

Is there a male doll or something like that?

I need the rest of the body to be able to picture everything. It doesn't matter how independent I want to be, I don't feel aroused at all.

"Kelsey honey, dinner is ready!" I jump hearing my mom calling from downstairs, almost letting my vibrator fall on the floor. If it is not sexy now it would be even less if it's broken.

I fastly place it inside a shoebox and set it under the bed. I consider it a good place to hide it, especially after I threw away the box Andrew used to give back to me.

I'm sure it was psychological, but I swear I could smell his scent on the damn box. I couldn't live with it. He doesn't have anything to do with my orgasms anymore. He clearly presented his point by not replying to Char's accusations and then letting my vibrator on my door as his farewell. His dismissal of my sex life.

I take my place on the dinner table, glancing at Char's empty seat. He hasn't shown up the entire weekend at my parents' house or answers my messages and calls. It's being over a week now and he still is completely ignoring me.

"Honey, you have to eat, are you sick or something?" I glance at my mother's concerned face.

"Yeah, you usually eat like a growing monster, but lately you are barely touching the food", my father completes it.

"Sorry, I'm not very hungry". I respond, serving my plate with the minimum of food and recognizing it doesn't worth serving too much since I'm unable to eat normally.

I thought I would feel better after my finals, but I didn't. Then I considered coming here to spend my free week would help me forget. Changing the ambiance and people, but it didn't either.

I chew my food slowly, remembering I haven't mentioned any of the mess that happened to my parents. They don't know Char and I are not on speaking terms. They don't know about Andrew either.

I told them the good news about my finals, that I surprisingly succeed even under the intense stress I was in. The nice surprise was not enough to make me happy though or make the stress go away. It has been decreased, but it still very present.

I watch them eating in silence, considering how to approach the subject of last night when I finally told them about France.

Revealing Char doesn't know about it yet, because I should be the one telling him at least this. And it can only worry me, knowing it will be another knife in his guts, another fact I hid from him.

Lacking an explanation of why I'm so nervous lately, I dropped the bomb on my parents yesterday night. I was insecure, afraid of their reaction, of they being against and convincing me to stay here. They or Char, are the only ones who could convince me of giving up.

At the same time, I wanted and needed to share it with them. I felt guilty for hiding it and not discussing it.

I'm still waiting for college acceptance responses though. I still need to request a visa and I'm getting anxious about it too. I ponder if it is a good or bad sign that is taking so much time.