Finding myself (18+)

Chapter 19

"Kelsey, please say something!" I feel my shoulder being shaken and I raise my eyes finding Dani's concerned ones.

She has been with me since I'm back from work. Trying to get any information as to why I'm wearing an astonished expression.

But I'm incapable of speaking.

I don't think I've pronounced a word today.

I'm not sure about what is happening. Maybe a panic attack?

"Did he break up with you?" She tries again and I shake my head.

No thoughts in my brain and no air in my lungs. I focus on her, staring at her eyes. She's worried. I'm worried too.

Breathe Kelsey, just breathe.

"No, the opposite," I respond, emotionless.

"He asked you to be his girlfriend?" She asks, surprised. And that stirs something in me.

"Oh, not exactly the opposite" I sigh, looking at my lap now.

I take another deep breath and work on putting some words together.

"He said things, Dani. Things I don't know how to take," I look up at her. I need her to feel what is inside me because express it in words is impossible.

"Ok, can you tell me his exact words?"

Can I?

I'm not even sure I can. I feel I'm mixing up everything in my brain. I'm not sure about what he has really told me and what I've assumed anymore.

I tell her everything. Everything I can remember at least, seeking to keep his exact words, to avoid any misinterpretation. I'm tired of misinterpretations.

Yet things got quite blurry last night.

"Then he says it was more." I continue with it. "Damn Dani, I felt it too. It was more. And then he said he never felt this way before," a sob takes over me when I finish the sentence.

"Wow."

"Wow kind of resume it well."

"What did you say?" She's curious. Me too, because after his words everything is a blur. I don't recall saying anything. I hope I didn't say anything stupid.

"Nothing," I reply, trying hard to remember what happened after his impacting words.

He was calm and happy, and I was paralyzed. I still can't understand what happened. What's happening.

"I wasn't expecting it. We've agreed on a no-strings-attached relationship, like a fling. But that's not a fucking fling. The way he acted was the most non-fling thing to do."

"Calm down ok," her words sink and I realize I'm crying. Not only that, I've raised my voice, exasperated.

My actions, his actions, our moments together are all sinking. Sinking deep in me. They're cutting deep.

"He was so happy Dani," I continue, letting the tears fall this time. Trying to keep at least my voice at bay. He was so happy yesterday that hurts. Hurts knowing, I will hurt him.

I don't want to hurt him. I'm afraid to say I would prefer hurting myself to hurting him.

I'm so stupid for letting things escalate the way they did. I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently. But I didn't know back then.

Whatever is happening between us, it grew little by little. It took us both off guards.

Unpredictable, it turned to be more than we've bargained for. A lot more.