Stupid - John Shelby (ON HOLD)

11. Cold •

January 1916

John Shelby wasn't feeling good. He was soaked with water, boots wet and heavy from the mud, his hands shaking slightly as he sat prepared in the trench. He suspected he had a fever but wasn't too worried about it. He was cold, both inside and out. France wasn't like he'd thought it would be, there was no glory, no heroism, no honor. There was only death, sickness and fear. When he had killed his first man, he felt sick. Now he didn't feel a thing, it was almost easy. He didn't kill to win a war, he killed to survive another day even though he knew he was never coming home. He didn't fear death but he did fear his brothers deaths, he feared Jamies death, and Stanleys. If anyone should get to go home, he would make sure it would be Jamie. Jamie was the only one still holding on to hope, the only one who still managed to believe in winning the war and coming home to his wife and child. To John, home felt like a distant dream, too far away to picture properly.

He hadn't written to anyone in a while, he didn't know what to say. He still received letters from everyone, and he usually read the ones from Ada and Polly. Vin's letters he didn't dare open, he knew he was a coward but he could get himself to do it. He hadn't written to her in months and since then her father had died in battle, he didn't want to know what she thought of him.

Also, Vin's letters filled him with longing, that was the worst part. John didn't want longing,  especially since he no longer had hope. It was easier to get trough the war cold and waiting for a certain death, no expectations or feelings, the only goal to keep his comrades alive. But even the though of the girl he had left at home made him want more. Vin's letters smelled like her, the words she wrote he could hear her utter in his head and he could imagine her furrowed brows as she wrote to him. When he read her letters, it was as if he was in a safe bubble where everything was warm and beautiful. But then, every time the bubble would burst and John was thrown in to reality again with such force he almost got a whiplash. He would be back in the tents, in the trench, the smell of blood and the sound of shells once again surrounding him. There was no chance in heaven or in hell he was going to survive this.

So John didn't open her letters anymore, he just put them on pile and hid them in his bag. He couldn't get himself to throw them away, he could never get rid of anything she'd given him. Better she forgot about him he thought, he wasn't the same man who left her, he wasn't the man she wanted.

He couldn't avoid her in his dreams though. Every night he woke up with a start, sweating and panting  after watching her die in different ways in his dreams. Sometimes it was he who killed her, the cold distant man he was in his dreams couldn't see any difference in her and the enemy. When he woke up he always cried, silently of course but John knew that Jamie noticed. He was thankful that he never brought it up in conversation, he didn't know how to explain that he dreamt about killing his sister.

"You alright john boy?" It was Arthur. He was stationed in the same place as his little brother from time to time, today being one of those times. Arthur was thankful for it, he could at least look out for one of his younger brothers. Arthur had, as well as Tommy and Jamie, noticed the change in John but he didn't think much of it, he shrugged John's miserable personality off as way of surviving. After all, no one was the same as when they got here.

"Couldn't be better Arthur" John replied bitterly to which Arthur laughed in response.

"That's the spirit brother! Now, where are the other lads aye?" He said referring to Jamie and Stanley and John responded that they were reading letters from family.

"Oh yeah, i got one from your girl the other day!" Arthur exclaimed. John winced at the words 'your girl' but quickly hid his emotions. "She is sweet as honey that one, updating me about Finn and that girl he's met!" Arthur continued. John cleared his throat awkwardly before answering.

"Yeah well you know how she is, loves to gossip that one" His eyes were glued to the muddy ground and Arthur noticed that his response seemed forced. Arthur didn't like to pry in his little brothers business, even less when it came to girls. Usually they would laugh together when things went badly in their respective relationships, but it was different with Vin, Arthur cared about Vin. He didn't want to see either of them hurt.

"Everything alright with the two of you?" Arthur asked awkwardly.

John felt his pulse quicken. He wasn't sure why he didn't want anyone to know about how he'd been ignoring Vin. He suspected it was a bit of everything. Guilt. The girl was family to his brothers and Jamie, everyone would be upset with him if they knew. He didn't really know what was going on either. He hadn't sent any letters, but also hadn't read any, all he knew was that she still wrote, at least once a month. Most of all John didn't want to say anything because he didn't want it to be real. He was in denial, avoiding his problems by ignoring them. Deep down John didn't want thing to end between him and the girl he was in love with, but he had dug his hole, he hadn't responded to her months and he hadn't given her any explanation. And he was going to die. He was going to die here in France, alone and cold, without her. Why keep torturing himself and her by pretending things were going to go back to normal.

"I haven't written her in a few months" Arthur furrowed his eyebrows, clearly confused but didn't say anything, waiting for his brother to elaborate. "I don't want to be with her anymore. We probably won't return anyway, better she moves on"

Arthur didn't react. He didn't believe his brother when he said he didn't want to be with the girl he was so clearly in love with, but he could also understand where he was coming from. Arthur also didn't believe he would be going home. But he didn't agree with John, Vin's pain of loosing John wouldn't be any lesser if John ending things now.

"You'll have to lie better than that if you want her to believe you" Arthur laughed bitterly before he continued. "John you don't have to do this. It wont make things better, you'll just break her heart twice instead of once" But John had already made up his mind. He shook his head in protest.

"No, I... I have to Arthur. I know I'm selfish, but I can't stand it any longer. She still writes me you know, and every time I get a letter from her I want to put a bullet in my head. Because i'm fucking here, and she's all the way over there and I will never see her again and it's killing me Arthur! It's fucking eating at me, I want to go home!" John had started to ramble and was coming undone before his older brother. He started to sob at the last part, realizing how much he missed his home and all the people there. Arthur felt his heart clench as he watched his little brother, he wasn't very good with words and felt awkward not knowing what to say or do. Vin would know what to do he thought, and wished once more that his brother wouldn't push her away.

"John, look it's okay... You do what you need to do, I'll stand behind you no matter what, alright?" He patted his brother on the shoulder. John pulled himself together and sniffled, embarrassed he had broken down before Arthur.

"At least we'll go together" Arthur said quietly and John nodded in agreement.

"I'll write her today, she deserves more than to be ignored. Thank you Arthur" John said and started to walk away. Arthur nodded in approval and called after him that he better tell Jamie, before the news reached him in other ways. John sighed and shook his head to himself. Jamie would be another problem he'd have to deal with.

He tried to imagine Vin's happiness as he walked, he was doing the right thing here. He felt his heart ache at the thought if her in someone else's arms, but comforted himself with the fact that she'd a at least be happy. And that was all he wanted for the girl of his dreams.

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So... I hate this chapter. I had no inspiration.

Sorry! I'll try to make the next one better!