Tips for trans guys

sometimes I want to die cause I'm trans

Hey. So this chapter is about my thoughts, but I think this is something experiences by a lot of other people. I hope, well, I do not wish you to feel like this, but I wish I'm not alone with this.  So, since I'm not expert or omniscient about everyone's experiences, I'll talk about my experience.

So. I should warn of course I'm going to talk about transphobia, so like, this won't be comforting. Pass this chapter if you don't feel like reading it.

When I realised I could be a boy, after years dreaming I'll regenerate as a guy when I'll die, living throught my boys character and wishing so hard to be one, it felt fantastic: I had no thoughts about society, people's reaction or my relationship with others: All I could see was I could be myself, that I could be happy.

I did not know the word "transgender" yet. I had heard about "sex change", and thought I was the first "girl transforming into a boy" (oh boy was I wrong..). I wasn't aware of transphobia, I didn't know it was a taboo. To be fair, I've always had trouble understanding other, their behaviour, reactions, emotions... I didn't understand the thing I was not authorized to talk about, why I had to not talk about the death of someone and be honest about it.. Yes, I was and am still lost about plenty of social things. So I just thought that everyone will be like "okay then", at my coming out.

And like everytime, I was wrong. My mom thought it was weird, my father said I was confused (don't worry, today they support me, so that's cool), and if I asked people on the internet or read articles, I received a lot of hate. "You are never going to be a real man" "Just try to discover your feminity" "no one wants a guy without a dick" "your chromosomes will always be XX" "you are still your biological sex"...

At the realisation of all of that, of all the rejection, hate I will have to face if I was in fact transgender, I panicked. I tried to comfort me in my belief that when I'll die I'll regenerate as a boy (thanks doctor who), but the thought is wasn't possible always came back and back to me, and I couldn't breath anymore. So I tried to forget it, to deny it. I put in place a ritual, that after every shower I took, I looked at my nude body in the mirror and repeated to myself I was a girl and I couldn't deny it. I was doing my best to be a girl in front of everyone, while falling horribly, and when I was alone, I binded my chest until it was impossible to breathe: My skin was red, and it cut, it hurt so bad.

I couldn't help but think about it every damn second of my life. I would be so much happier as a guy, but I just can't: Everyone will hate me, I'll never be a real guy, no one would want me and I'll die alone.

Today, I accepted it. It was long and difficult, but I'm aware I am a guy, and I don't want to have my brain washed anymore. But... This is still difficult. I tried so long to convince myself, tortured myself. I read so many things about people wanting me dead, telling me to be myself but "not in that way"... I think something stayed, and it will never go.

I have phases, throught when I panick. I'll never be able to be with anyone, and if I fall in love one day, I'll be rejected or used. I'm making my parents sad, I disapoint them, I'm a disapoitement, I'm a failure. And its stupid, but during this phases I shave my legs until it bleds, I wear a bra and scratch my chest to leave wounds... And after, I wonder why my body is full of them (I'm stupid). I try to be logical, and remember what my parents said "it's because you are neuro-divergent, it is normal to not be like the other girls...".

I cry regularly, knowing I'll never be cis, I'll never have a "little boy childhood", that I'll never have a "real working dick", and that I cannot change my chromosomes. It's difficult, accepting that I'll never be a cis guy. 

As if dysphoria wasn't enough... 

There is not a lot of things on the subject, however it has been an important part of my life, of the acceptation of myself, and I can't be the only one feeling this way. Maybe this is just yet another kind of dysphoria... I just wanted to share this. So yeah, if you feel that way too, here's the (positive) things I do to get out of this :

* Deconnect yoursel from internet and toxic people (Basically, everything that can bring you hate about your condition )

* Do something, anything : Go for a walk, read a book, take a bubble bath, anything that clear your mind

* Solve other's problems. If you can't help yourself, help somebody else. 

So yeah. Just wanted to share this, see if I was alone... And if not, let you know you are not alone. 

That's all. Take care of you.