Tips for trans guys

this is becoming too much

I've been in this boat for years. As a kid already, this shit messed me up, as I forbid myself to do too girly things in fear of being seen as one. Puberty messed me up, I didn't understand why it happened to me, why everyone seemed so happy. I screwed all my friendship and any social link because of this. I've isolated myself, and felt depressed and suicidal. All of that because I was not a girl, but it seemed that everybody saw me as one.

I fought agasint this for so long, and now I'm done.

My parents are talking about mourning their child. All their friends they've talked to about this are persuaded that it is just internalized homophobia and a phase and that it'll pass. My father is worried about hormones and complications, my psy don't even listen to me, my brother know but we never talked about this and he still see me as a girl.

So, what I'm thinking is why even fight against this. Anyway, whatever I do, it'll be the same. I don't want to lose my family, I don't want to inject myself hormones all the time, I don't want to become a different person in the eyes of everyone. 

The fact that I'll have to change my name hurts me. Because I like being introduced with another name, but the one I've been given is what I've been called my whole life. This is who I am now. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to recognize entierly myself in another name. 

I want to be able to be a girl you know? Just accepting this body and letting my hair grow without having a panic attack, being referred as a young girl or something without it hurting this bad. I've been working on this since day one of my transition anyway. I've found a lot of things that hurt me and "trigger" me concerning gender and I've been using it to try and be a girl as I should have been, but I'm always coming back on being a guy. I fail every time. I can't do it. But I can't go more far in this transition, because I'm fighting against it in the same time. Because I tell myself I'll regret it and everyone will abandon me. I've had some hope not long ago, but it all went to the trash lately. I can't bring myself to live as a girl, but neither can I bring myself to complete my transition. I've came back to just having suicide as a future option. 

So, I don't really know what to do.

I guess I will not be writting here for some times. But I'm not sure what to do. Should I hurt myself about all of this enough so I can force being a girl on me? Or I don't know, should I try and accept it? I've no idea. 

I need some time to think. So bye.