Statehouse Oneshots

I Can't Handle Change

Xe/xem DC for this chapter because I love it and I can

Tw: Anxiety attack, mentions of not eating

Hangin' out where I don't belong is nothing new to me

DC shut the room to xyr room. Oh God. Why did xe have to yell.

Xyr first day back running meetings from the forced break and xe had gone and messed it up.

Maybe they had been right, xe just weren't suited for this. Moving in with the states might've been a bad idea. Xe loved them, but at times they only added to xyr stress. Xe didn't belong here with them.

I get tired and I get sick and then I lose the strength to leave

Xe should just leave but...

Xe can't.

It would hurt too much. Xe couldn't bear it. And xe would never make it out of the house while they still thought xe were so fragile.

Xe really thought xe had gotten better. That xe had improved since the events of January 6th. Xe had worked so hard, and yet achieved so little.

Xyr physical health had also taken a toll, becoming like it was in xyr youth, being constantly sick.

I can't handle change
I can't handle change

Xe were the damn federal government, xe've had worse, xe should be able to just get over this.

Nothing I do is ever good
Nothing I do is ever good enough
Nothing I do is ever good

Why couldn't xe just be good enough.
Why couldn't xe just do what was expected of them, no problem.

Before the forced break, xe had been working so hard to turn xyr work in early, often skipping sleep and other basic needs. It was ok though, xe didn't need those until the work was done.

But then the states and xyr family had been dissapointed when xe wouldn't take care of xemself. They didn't like it, it was "self destructive". DC didn't even really feel tired most of the time, and hunger and thirst could be satiated with coffee until xe were done. Work was important and should be prioritized,xe didn't understand why they were mad.

Nothing I do is ever good
Nothing I do is ever good enough
Nothing I do is ever good

They didn't understand. Xe couldn't just balance work and life as easily as Gov does, or IDC. She makes it look so effortless while xe had to pick between the two. Xe've tried to do both before and both parties had ended up mad. It was better this way too, xe only really had to stress out about work for a while.

Leave me alone
Leave me alone

DC stumbled over to the desk. Xe failed at the meeting, but maybe xe could still prove xemself?

Leave me alone
Leave me alone

Xe took a piece of paperwork off of the stack. Xe had gotten it from Gov's office. He shouldn't mind, it was supposed to be xyrs anyways.

It was just paperwork xe really couldn't mess it up. Just read stuff and fill it out.

Xe found xyr pen, lifting it to the paper. Xyr hand was shaking again. How annoying.

I can't help but repeat myself
I know it's not your fault

Everyone had tried their best at that meeting. To just be normal and act like it used to be. Xe had dealt with normal, even during the incident.

Why did xe snap. They didn't deserve that, not after helping xem so much. They were all so nice and this is how xe choose to repay them?

They were right.

It's fine though. Xe can do better, xe just have to work harder. Gov won't be stuck running those meetings for long.

Xyr eyes scan the paper infront of xem, over and over. Going to fast for xyr mind to keep up. Oh come on, xe could read like this before. Xe couldn't afford to be slow, especially not now on a time crunch when someone would most certainly try to stop xem soon.

After a few minutes xe did slow, but it still wasn't working. It wouldn't stick in xyr mind with the constant loop of "Do better" going on. He vaugly noted the fact that xyr hands were in xyr hair, tugging harshly.

Still lately, I begin to shake
For no reason at all

The horrible feeling flashed through xem, drawing tears to the corners of xyr eyes. No no no xe weren't going to have an anxiety attack right now! Xe had to finish this. Xe could do this.

Xe tried the breathing techniques xyr sister had taught xem, but it wasn't working.

Xe couldn't breathe, xe were suffocating.

For no reason at all

DC pulled at xyr tie, xyr collar, clawing at xyr neck in the process, trying to get this horrible feeling to end. Xe needed air. Nothing xe did seemed to help.

For no reason at all

Xyr eyes dropped to xyr chest and xe realized xe were actually breathing, just hyperventilating so hard it felt like suffocation. Xe recall as xe desperately try and slow the breathing that xyr supposed to get help before it reaches this point. Xe couldn't ask for help now, xe had made a fool out of xemselves. Besides, xe've dealt with this before on xyr own, xe can do it again. Xe needed to be independent if xe were going to ever get back to working.

For no reason at all

A coughing fit pushed out air in xyr lungs xe didn't have, but it was ok. Xe could still do this.

For no reason at all

Xe wouldn't be replaced.