Statehouse Oneshots

Saint Bernard

AnanaPanini  Hello yes sad Utah songfic to continue the Utah back and forth thing

Really need a name for that-

Tw: Internalized homphobia, homophobia, self hatred, religious trauma

Hung pictures of patron saints up on my wall
To remind me that I am a fool.

Utah looked up at the pictures adorning his walls, and his desk.
The people he was told were to be his idols, a reminder to strive to be good, and pure and without sin.
To represent his faiths values.

A voice that piped up whenever he saw them served as different reminder. That because of what he was he could never be like them.

Tell me where I came from
What I will always be
Just a spoiled little kid
Who went to Catholic school

He owed his whole life to his church, and his faith. Why couldn't be just stop it. Why couldn't he do more then pretend that he wasn't.

When I am dead I won't join their ranks
'Cause they are both holy and free
And I'm in Ohio
Satanic and chained up
And until the end
That's how it'll be

He had worked decades with his pastor, to get these urges out, but no luck. Still doomed to hell, if he even got to die.

I said make me love myself so that I might love you

He presses his hands to his head, trying to press out these thoughts, and memories.

His smile.

His sweet laugh.

How easy it would have been to just kiss him.

Don't make me a liar

Instead of rejecting his advances and spewing that homophobic speech about it being wrong, and disgusting. He had even threatened his friend.

His church had to be behind it, just like last time. A test.

Sure nowadays they said they were more inclusive.

'Cause I swear to god

But that was just a trick

When I said it

A joke to get his guard down

I thought it was true

Right?

Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you
But he's got his own things to deal with

Why couldn't he just be normal. He couldn't kiss a boy, and he shouldn't want to so badly.

There's really just one thing that we have in common

If it was genuine why would Coco ask him out. They barely even had anything in common. It wouldn't be a good relationship. Coco probably just liked the idea of having a boyfriend.

No it had to be fake, set up by his church. He didn't actually enjoy his company.

He wonders how much they paid him.

Neither of us will be missed

If he ever did die, the others wouldn't miss him.
He was just a hateful Bible boy, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway

Utah glanced over at his desk, his latest gift for Coco sitting there. Wrapped up all pretty.

You always said how you loved dogs

One of his favourite things.

Utah sighs, standing up and picking up the box. It was worthless now, he shouldn't interact with Coco anymore, if they knew he liked him, and set all this up.

I don't know if I count
But I'm trying my best

He picks it up, tears filling his eyes once more as he throws it in the trash.

When I'm howling and barking these songs

He would miss his friend.