Behind These Walls

22

CRYSTAL'S POV

I hissed as he pulled himself out. I kept my eyes closed as I was in deep pain. My whole body felt awfully numb. It was at this moment I finally knew what being dead feels like. I am dead, my soul has left my body, all I am now is a walking corpse. My body was present and alive but my soul was absent and dead. I was ruined. I am the girl that got ruined by her father. He came to untie my hands,and then he left me there.

As I try sitting up, the pain that spreads through my body is unexplainable, my core is throbbing and it's burning. The tears fall faster and I let out a sob unwillingly. Ignoring the pain I slowly get off the table. Looking at the table I see blood, tears flow down faster than before. I turn away and head towards the door. Walking was very painful, my core was painful, burning and it felt swollen.

I reach my room and headed straight to the bathroom. The continuous pain that floods my body is unbearable. When the water was hot enough I stepped inside. Being through so much has made me a desultory person, I'm very disconnected and weak. When the water touched my core I hissed, I could feel it throbbing against the water. I layed there and cried for all the times I kept the tears at bay. Crying for all the bruises I have, old and new, deep and shallow, the one that tops it all is the one I got today.

It is not anywhere near physical but it is engraved deep in my heart and mind. The hurt so deep it instantly took my soul and left me lifeless. This pain was permanent and it's a pain I'll never forget. He had taken the remaining half of me with my innocence, and now I am no more. I let my body become numb and my head sank under the water. Thoughts of letting myself take my last breath here clouded me. I felt at ease that I couldn't feel my tears but I knew they were there.

Rising up, I deeply inhale some air. Shaking my head slightly trying to get rid of the thoughts running in my head. I got out and went into my closet. I grabbed a tight, 2 leggings, a pair of sweatpants, a vest, long sleeve t-shirt and an oversized hoodie. I then went to my drawer and got a pair of underwear. For a second it seemed as if I was doing to much, but replaying... don't even want to mention it. It made me continue just to feel a little secure.

I had always imagined my first to be with someone whom I love and see a future with and reflected my feelings. Someone who has proven worthy of my innocence, but not once did I expect it to be my father... The one person who is supposed to love and care for me, the one who is supposed to protect me from rapists is the one who raped and took away my innocence.

I felt my world crumble and my mind losing it's sanity. I was going insane. I went to the bathroom drawers and searched. I searched until I felt the cold metal in my hands. My heartbeat escalated, my palms were clenched , I was shaking, not in pain but in anger, rage, hate and my lifeless soul. I looked at the cold metal again and finally made use of it. The razor was cold against my wrist, sent a shiver down my spine.

Okay you want this... No, you need this for your own peace of mind. I told myself. I hissed as I felt the razor pierce through my skin. First cut done. It was painful in a satisfying way. The second cut was easier, by the 5th I could hardly feel anything. My arm had gone numb and the sink was covered in my blood.