Remember me || Patrick Stump

Chapter twenty one

The truth is, you never know when it's someone's last day. You never know when kindness can count, or when love can mean the most. You never know which words can make things better, or which can cause everything to fall apart.
It doesn't matter how much you prepare yourself for loss, or how much you tell yourself you're ready. You're just not.
No matter how many movies you watch, or books you read, nothing can prepare you for the feeling of loosing someone so special to you.

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The nurses let Judah out for a few hours. We decided to go to the beach because, as I learned just a couple minutes ago, Judah's never been to the beach.
At first I was surprised to hear this, but then it set in. Judas childhood was not built out of family parties, or fun with friends, or vacations. It was built out of trips to the hospital, and needles, and tubes, and death threats. But this wasn't a threat.
"It's colder than I'd imagined," says Judah, his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt. He had a beanie over his nearly bald head, letting his hazel eyes peek out.
"It is winter."
He just nodded.
We walked along the beach in sync, our hands in our pockets, light flurries floating through the air.
"It's snowing."
Those words hit me like a wrecking ball.
Those were Annabel's last words, before she blacked out. She'd put her hand up to the sky, and said them. I'd heard them clear as day.
I tried to replay her voice in my head, but I couldn't remember how it sounded.
"Can we sit?"
I nodded.
We both sat down, near the shore, and I stared up at the gray sky.
"Blaine and I broke up," he said, turning to me.
"Why?" I asked, shocked. Him and Blaine seems solid. Happy.
"He said he couldn't handle it... I'm dying and he couldn't handle it?" Judah scoffed, and acted if it didn't matter to him. I knew it did.
"Douchebag."
Judah laughed lightly, and threw a rock into the ocean letting it bounce a few times.
I remembered that once when I was younger, I asked my dad if I could die by holding my breath. He said no.
'Your brain would eventually make you breathe,' he'd said.
It sucks really. Because that would be a great advantage to me right now.
"I need you to promise me something," Judah stated, out of nowhere.
"Yeah.." I mumbled, "anything."
"You cat let her go okay?"
For a second I was confused, but then I realized he was talking about Annabel.
"I.. I won't.." But did I mean that?
"I'm serious patrick. I've seen it. When someone says her name, your whole face lights up. It makes you who you are. She makes you. She loves you, and you love her, and there's no denying it. When she wakes up, the first thing you say to her is 'I love you.' Do you hear me? Because that's not something you let her forget."
Where was all this coming from? This is a side of Judah I'd never seen. Noble. Commanding even.
"I just.. I know I don't even know her.. I know I've never met her and I never will but.. I could tell. By the very first time you said her name. I could tell that you two were - are perfect for each other. You're going to grow up, and be happy together, and you're going to have children and get married I just know it... You have to.. Because she's the best thing that's ever happened to you.."
Judah broke out into a sob, and tried rapidly to cover up his tears.
"I'm never going to get that chance, y'know? I'll never get the chance to really, really love someone. And that's why I want you to. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can't just waste it away. You can't be a coward."
I felt like I was going to cry. I wanted to. But I couldn't. I had to be strong.

"I'm not.. I'm not afraid of dying.... I'm just afraid of everything I'll miss out on. Of everything I'll miss. I know it's my time, and I'm not hiding from it. This is how it has to go. I just want a happy ending for someone. And that someone should be you."

Judah stood up now, his tears still glistening, and started walking towards the hospital. I jogged to catch up to him, and put my arm around his back.
He was my brother. Not by blood, but somewhere, somehow, I knew he was. And no matter how- when this ended, he'd always be my brother.
The wedding vows are "until death do us part" but that wasn't the case for us.
Nothing, not even death will part us. He'd always have a piece of me, and I a piece of him.
"I promise,"
I said looking him on the eyes.
"Brother."

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I got the call at 4:39 in the morning.
It felt like a dream. Like it wasn't true. How could it be if I had just been with him? If I had just heard his voice in my ears, and had my arm around his back? How could this be true if I knew him?
Judah was dead.
I tried slapping myself, punching, hitting Myself. But I couldn't wake up from this nightmare.
I screamed into my pillow, hot tears burning my face.
He's dead. The words were overpowering.
He's dead
He's dead
He's dead
He's dead.
"NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. And I repeated it over and over.
My lungs felt as if someone had torn them apart, but I didn't care.
"N-no." My voice was hoarse now, and I could hardly understand myself.
I could hardly hear anything, and my vision was clouded.
Noises that I couldn't even explain escaped my mouth, and I cried until my throat burned, and my head was numb.
I grabbed at my hair and punched my pillow, and hit the walls, but nothing seemed to help.
Nothing was helping.
An impulse stronger than anything rose in me, and I stumbled blindly to the cabinets in my bathroom.
Fumbling through the drawers, I cursed and searched for the thing I needed.
Finally I found it.
Holding the tube of Zoloft pills In my hand, I struggled with the cap.
Suddenly, the cap shot open, and the pills tumbled into the sink. I heard a few of them roll down the drain, and I swiftly scoped up the rest.
I held the damp pills in my hand.
There were ten or twelve of them. That Should be enough.
My vision came back, and I started at my self in the mirror.
"I.." I started, my voice an alarming sound.
"I'm sorry Judah. I just cant do this by myself."
Then I swallowed the pills.