Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 9

Nine.

Elvira, try to give yourself a look.

You're worthy. You're valued. You're loved.

So why are you questioning your existence? You're pretty as you thought. You're loved as you thought, and you're valued as you thought. Don't let others control your emotions. Don't let others define you for who you are, because you are you– and I think, that's beautiful.

I took a sigh of relief. Paulit-ulit kong binubulong 'yon sa aking sarili habang nakatitig sa aking repleksyon sa salamin. I am slowly embracing and accepting each details about myself— even if before, I had a hard time accepting my flaws.

Those people around me made me hate myself for who I am, and that's one of my regrets. Hindi ko dapat 'yon ginawa. Myself is perfect in its own ways and she doesn't deserve to be hate by its owner. Ako na lang ang nand'yan para sa sarili ko, parurusahan ko pa sa mga pagkakamaling dapat ay itinatama ko?

"This is my daughter. I'm very proud of you, Elaine. Anak nga talaga kita!" Mother have shown us my sister's report card that contains her grades. Father, who's beside my sister was silent. I know that he's also happy but he's great at masking off his emotions.

"Puro uno..." Mother spoke again, then her eyes darted on me. "The grades that Elvira can't have because she's a big stupid."

Umismid lang ako sa kan'yang sinabi. Wala na talagang epekto 'yong pag-iinsulto nila sa akin dahil kilala ko naman ang sarili ko. Sila nga dapat 'yong nagli-lift-up sa akin dahil magulang ko sila, ngunit bakit ibinaba ako ng sarili kong magulang?

"Masasayang lang ang mga ginastos ko sa 'yo, Elvi. Pasalamat ka pa nga't tinutustusan pa kita..." Gatong sa kan'ya ni Papa.

Kahit kailan, hindi ko tinuruan ang sarili ko na lumaban, lalo na sa mga nakakatanda sa akin, dahil malaki ang respeto ko sa kanila. Sapagkat, kung gan'to naman ang ipinapakita nilang ugali sa akin, kung hindi nila ako kayang respetuhin sa hapag, maaari ko na bang ibuka ang aking bibig at ipaglaban naman ang sarili ko?

"Obligasyon niyo naman po kasi akong gastusan, Pa. Hindi ko po ginusto na ipanganak ako. Hindi ko po kasalanan na nakipagtalik ka kay Mama at nabuo ako," I sighed. "H'wag niyo pong iparamdam sa akin na malaking pagkakamali na nabuhay pa ako sa mundong 'to... dahil kahit kailan, hindi ko ho ginustong mabuhay."

Nabitiwan ni Elaine ang kan'yang hawak na kutsara. Napatingin siya sa akin at matagal akong tinitigan. I raised a brow and just looked away. I don't want to waste my energy into this kind of shit but they're too much. They push me into my limitations! Punong-puno na ako... at ayaw ko nang dagdagan pa ang bigat ng dibdib ko.

"Wow," Mama laughed sarcastically. "Just be thankful that I carried you for nine months. Thank your Father for the things that you have right now! Ang ayos ayos ng buhay mo dahil sa amin!"

"Didn't you hear what I've just said? It's your obligation to give me an assurance, to give me the life that I deserve, and to secure my life," I answered. I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth. "And please, why would I be thankful for the life na kahit kailan, hindi ko naman hiniling? Ma, ayaw ko ng buhay ko. Ayaw ko na nabuhay pa ako," unti-unting humina ang aking boses.

Mabilis akong napatingala nang maramdaman kong naglalabasan ang tubig sa gilid ng aking mga mata. I swallowed the lump in my throat and hurt myself through pinching my thighs to stop myself from crying. Hindi nila deserve 'tong luha ko. Hindi na dapat ako umiiyak sa gan'to... dahil dapat sanay na ako. Dapat alam kong gan'to na talaga ang magiging tingin nila sa akin habang-buhay.

I have demons in my head, I also have monsters in our home. The monsters are my parents. You can't blame me for hating them this much. They're worst than my demons in my head. Makita lang nila ako, mapupuno ng pang-iinsulto ang bahay. Why do I have to prove my worth to them? Why do I have to prove myself to those someone who can't even appreciate me?