Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 35

Thirty-five.

Stop trying to understand why people have hurt you, and start accept the fact that they've done it. They don't care about your feelings. They have disrespected you. They have betrayed you. Now, stop wondering why they did it. Give yourself a peace of mind and just start moving on. It has to do with them, not with you. Now, please don't be too hard on yourself and start forgiving yourself.

I keep on asking before about how Mama treats me. Pilit kong iniintindi ang kan'yang sitwasyon dahil anak niya ako, dahil baka mayroon siyang mas malalim na rason, at dahil baka kung sakaling ipaintindi niya sa akin ay maintindihan ko... ngunit hindi pa rin ba natutupok ang apoy na kay tagal nang umaalab sa kan'yang dibdib?

"Are you coming with me, Elvi?" Tita Ava looked at me, still waiting for my answer.

That question made me think for a while. It took me so long to speak out my answer. Mahirap sagutin dahil maraming puwedeng mangyari kung sakaling pumunta ako roon... subalit mas iisipin ko pa ba 'yon kaysa makita ang aking ama? My father is unstable because of his health condition. Hindi ko na dapat iniisip 'yong mga bagay na dapat ay hindi ako nagpapaapekto.

At sabi sa akin ni Tita, kahit gano'n si Papa, hindi niya magagawang kamuhian ako. Kung magagalit man siya sa akin, maglalaho rin 'yon.

I know.

Father is always like that. I could still remember how he told me that hatred is a big word. He even told me that he won't hate someone if he wants inner peace. Hindi raw siya matatahimik kung may nakatanim na galit sa kan'yang dibdib dahil lumalago 'yon.

He's right. It's a big word. It is a big emotion. Ang pagkamuhi ay ang kinimkim na galit na hanggang ngayon ay hindi makawala. Nagsisimula ito sa inis, hanggang sa maging galit ito, at kapag nadagdagan nang nadagdagan iyon nang hindi 'yon nilalabas sa 'yong sarili, magiging muhi iyon.

I fix my things and look up. Tita Ava is patiently waiting for my response. Maayos na rin kasi ang lagay ni Papa ngayon kaya gusto ko rin siyang makita. This is not the right time to overthink. Hindi dapat ako maging duwag. Maraming taon na ang lumipas... kaya nararapat ko nang harapin ang lahat ng 'to.

"Opo, 'Ta..." Mahina kong sagot.

She waited for me at the outside. My sons are still sleeping so I didn't even bother to wake them up. They know that I'm busy, yet they still get mad whenever I'm leaving without a note. Nagsabi na lang ako sa kanilang taga-alaga. Iniwanan ko pa sila ng chocolates upang hindi sila magtampo.

Archis and Atharv know the purpose of my work, though both of my sons value family time a lot, that's why they get mad whenever I can't make time for them. Nakuha nila 'yong gano'ng pag-uugali sa Mommy Ava nila. Gusto ko rin naman na gano'n nila ituring ang kanilang pamilya.

"Hop in..." Tita instructed me before going inside of the driver's seat.

Tahimik kong sinunod ang kan'yang sinabi. Sinandal ko ang aking likod sa aking kinauupuan at tahimik na pinagmasdan ang labas sa bintana. Tita played a song through the stereo. It breaks the silence between us.

I released a deep sigh. Am I really contented? But why am I seeking for more? Bakit binabalot pa rin ng kalungkutan ang aking dibdib? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin matamo ang gusto kong marating?

Am I still... lost?

"Tita..." I called her. "Were you happy in Papa's arms?"

She raised her brow, confused with my sudden question. "Of course, I was..." She answered quietly. "Hanggang ngayon, masaya pa rin ako kay Emer," dagdag niya. "Ngunit hindi maaari..."