Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 33

Thirty-three.

There are things that will actually happen to us to destroy our whole being. I used to believe before that maybe, those things were happening to us to teach us a lesson, but no, darling, let's accept the fact that there are some things that are meant to be a trauma. Kaya ayos lang kung ginagamot mo pa rin ang mga sugat ng kahapon dahil hindi naman nagmamadali ang mundo. Naiintindihan naman nito na hindi gano'n kadali ang lahat. Naiintindihan naman nito na winarak ka nito nang matindi kaya kinailangan mo na munang magpahinga at ihilom ito.

There are things that will wreck your whole soul into pieces, ngunit kung hindi ka mababasag, paano ka mabubuo muli?

Kapag nalulungkot ako, napapatanong ako sa mga nagsasabi sa akin na nakakaya ko naman daw lagpasan ang bawat araw at ayos na 'yon. Nakakaya ko ba talaga o hinahayaan ko lang na lumagpas ang bawat araw? They say, being happy is your choice. Damn that saying.

Hindi ko piniling maging malungkot. Hindi ko piniling umiyak araw-araw. Kung gano'n lang din naman kasi kadali ang lahat, mas pipiliin ko namang tumahan na kaysa mag-isip gabi-gabi dahil alam nating lahat kung gaano kahirap 'yong gano'ng pakiramdam. Hindi ko piniling magdusa! It's not my choice to be depressed for how many years! So how could they say that being happy is a choice?

Kaya sa mga nagsasabing choice mo ang maging masaya; ang tanong ko, gano'n ba kadaling kalimutan ang lahat? Gano'n ba kadaling maging masaya kung binabalot ng takot at sakit ang iyong dibdib? Hindi mo 'yon choice dahil kusa mo na lang ulit 'yon mararamdaman. Magigising ka na lang na magaan na muli ang iyong pakiramdam.

Stop forcing yourself to be happy. Stop looking for happiness. Let happiness finds you.

"Mama," my son, Atharv, called me in his soft voice. "Archis caused a trouble again."

My eyes shifted to his younger brother that is hiding behind his back. Halata sa kan'ya ang pagiging kabado dahil hindi ito makatingin nang diretso sa akin. Napahinga ako nang malalim. Ngayon na lumalaki na sila, kitang-kita ko talaga kung saan sila nagmana, at kapag nakatingin ako kay Archis, parang nakatingin lang ako kay Zavion.

Aunt Ava and Elaine found out what really happened to me. I don't have any choice but to explain everything to them. As I was telling them the whole story, I still feel the fear in my chest. I realized that trauma will always be there; You just have to get used how to live with it.

When I found out that my sons are superfecundation twins, I don't know what to feel. I felt mixed feelings. I can't find the right word to describe how I feel because that was unexpected. Kahit kailan, hindi 'yon dumapo sa aking isipan at lahat kami ay nagulantang sa nalaman na may anak din kami ni Zavion. Pinagbubuntis ko na noon si Atharv nang nabuo si Archis sa aking tiyan. Hindi man ako makapaniwala dahil bihira lang ang gano'n at napakadelikado, pero ito siguro 'yong kapalit ng pagdurusa ko noon. I'm glad He used Kazuo as his instrument to stop me from aborting them. Kapag nangyari siguro 'yon, habang-buhay ko itong pagsisisihan.

Akala ko ay tapos ko nang iiyak ang lahat ngunit nang makita ko sila, nang ibigay sila sa akin, naglabas muli ng mga panibagong luha ang aking mga mata.. This time, I'm not crying because of pain. I'm crying because of too much happiness. Even though I used to hate the baby so much when I was pregnant, it disappeared when I saw them. I was really happy because Tita Ava is right, a mother's connection to her children is different.

Tanggap ko naman sila. Tanggap ko rin ang anak ko kay Ambrielle. Mahal ko silang nang pantay. Parehas silang angat. Ano man ang nangyari sa akin sa nakaraan, hindi niyon maaapektuhan ang magiging trato ko sa bata. Like what I've said, I was once a child and I know how it feels when your parent is treating you harshly.