Black Pearl

Chapter 44

It was two days later when Leo sought me out. Normally, I would have complained of loneliness or gotten on his case about not spending enough time with me and keeping me from things after we had already discussed this. Had I not known the truth, I would have wanted to wrap my arms around him and soothe away the heavy ache that surrounded him, making him slow and sluggish. Dark rings circled his eyes and his skin had lost its summer time golden color.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. I just watched him approach me, my hands frozen over the gown I was currently working on, curled up on the floor. "I know that we just talked about this, and I didn't mean to avoid you or keep anything a secret. I wanted to come to you. But his death...its so hard on all of us. Especially my mother."

I should have tried to keep up appearances. Should have tried to soothe him and tell him everything was fine. I didn't. I couldn't. I just stared at him. While he was wounded and drained, I was buzzing and wary. A small twitch had been enough to set me off the past couple of days. The same thought raced through my mind over and over again. I had killed his brother. I had stabbed my husband's brother. I had murdered the would-be-king. Because he had tried to take me. While some of his subjects watched. And after repeating the same thing over and over again, I still didn't know what the worst part was. 

Leo took a deep breath and I watched it shudder through his chest. "Every year, we mourn my brother. It's a very somber occasion and I selfishly didn't want you to be apart of it. You bring so much joy into my life and thinking of dragging you through this, it upset me more than it should have. So, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I croaked out, my throat feeling as if it had been stuffed full of cotton. 

The relief was noticeable and Leo reached down for my free hand, squeezing it tightly. It took everything in me to not pull away.

"After mourning passes, we will have our coronation. I know that it might seem a little disrespectful, but I want to follow up such a sad event with something happy, something that will give my people hope," he continued. "But we can talk about all of that later. I came to talk to you so I could tell you the truth."

My mind shut off then. Truth. What would happen to me if I told Leo the truth? I had seen the woman in the courtyard getting her hands caned. I'm sure it was for a small offense. I can't imagine what would happen to me if it was revealed my sins. I was married to a monarch. And I had slaughtered someone destined for the throne, the prince of the people. My punishment would go far beyond physical pain and wounds that could heal, I was sure.

And what was worse was that Leo would never look at me the same. I could already picture his wide eyes, the way his mouth would fall open wordlessly. He would surely deny it.

Once he could argue no longer, I would be dragged to his parents. 

"So what do you think?" Leo prompted, jerking me out of my downward spiral.

I blinked twice, trying to catch my breath and remove the excess moisture from my eyes. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

He only gave me a small smile, finally sitting down on the floor with me, his legs crossed in front of him. "I asked you if you wanted to be apart of the planning process. I mean, obviously you'll be sitting beside me on the day of mourning. There are several ceremonies that could use your final touch if you're interested."

Leo wanted me to help him plan the memorial for the man who had ruined me, the man who had made me fear all humans. 

"I can't," I blurted.

"What do you mean?"

Christ, what did I mean? My eyes flashed to the letter that was left on the side table. "My sisters need me. I didn't want to trouble you, but I received some troubling news. I need to go see them as soon as possible."

The concern that flooded Leo's eyes was enough to almost make me feel guilty. "Oh Em, why didn't you tell me? We can go together right after the mourning, push the coronation back by a couple days. Would you like me to get any supplies ready or any men? Do they need repairs or food?"

His genuine response made my throat tighten even more and by some miracle I was able to keep the tears back. "Nothing like that, nothing that material items can fix. And I appreciate your offer but I feel it would be best if I went alone. It is more of a personal matter."

"Are you sure? I would be happy to provide your sisters with anything they need and I want to support you anyway I can. I don't want you going into anything alone. I want to be there for you."

Part of me wanted to blurt it out that it was all a lie. But that would mean that I would stay here. It meant that I would have to mourn a man that lived in my nightmares. "Your parents need you here. Your people need you here."

Leo released my hand, scraping his hand over his face. "My people need Atticus. I am nothing like him, nothing like the king he would become."

Of all of the things that Leo had said today, this was what brought me relief. My husband would never be like his brother. Leo would never be like Atticus. 

"You don't have to be like him," I whispered, extending my hand and cradling his cheek. When his green eyes met mine, so full of softness and worry, my heart came away from all of the fear and anger. This was my husband. "You have what your people need whether you believe it or not. Just you being here, with them, will mean more than you know."

Tears flooded Leo's eyes, stunning me. A trembling hand closed around the one that rested against his face. "I know it has been a while since his death, but I still forget. For most of the year, I think that he's gone to another kingdom to study, to bring peace. I think that I will see him in the stables, tacking up his favorite horse or listening to my mother talk about her flowers."

"Loss can be difficult," I murmured, the words feeling sour and bitter in my mouth. "You are dealing with it the best you can." I wondered how he would deal with it if he knew it was his wife that buried a dagger in his brother's back.

He sniffed a little and forced a small smile as he pulled away. "Thank you, Em. I don't know what I would do without you. Are you sure you can't stay for the mourning?"

"I think it would be best if I left," I whispered. "My sisters..."

"I understand. I would do anything for Atticus. When would you like to leave? I'll have my men prepare a ship for you."

"As soon as possible please. And it would be best if I was left on the island for a few days, maybe a week."

"Of course. I'll miss you, but I understand."

If only he knew that my greatest fear was that he never would.