Teach Me How To Live -~Zen Wistaria x Reader~-

Talk.

I've only been awake for a few hours today. After I woke up and ate breakfast with everyone I sort of passed out again. It's not my fault I'm so tired though, my body and mind have been through a lot.. At least I had Zen here for me.

I woke up towards lunch. Zen was by my side reading a book. This scene felt so fimiliar to me yet distant.

"Zen?.." my voice was cracked and soft as I whispered his name. He sat right beside me, I turned towards him but found that laying on my side only resulted in pain from where I had been cut on my neck. "This-.. How is this even real?.. 8 months of nothing and now we're-.. everything again?.." This is very distant to me. I haven't talked to him before this incident for months. Even while i was with him that last month, I had already been trying everything to let him go. I didn't talk to him or even look at him.. Then I find him in chains and to get him out and everyone safe, I did horrible things. I kissed and touched that horrible man I've hated my whole life right in front of Zen.. We can't pretend that didn't happen.

"I know.." he muttered and gently closed his book, he didn't turn to look at me, he didn't want to look at me. "I've been wanting our past so badly lately, I didnt care about what happened after.." He told me but it was an obvious lie.

"It was nice to forget the bad stuff for a second.. We can't walk around it though.. You shouldn't have any feelings for me after what I did.. You should hate me.." I muttered as I slowly brought my blanket over my head.

"..But I dont," he almost whispered with a soft sigh following. "I wish I did but I cant keep moving without you.. All I had were those letters Juniper secretly sent.. before then, I couldnt do anything, I couldn't get any work done at all.." he spoke sadly.

I hate talking about this. I hate that we never got a perfect, easy relationship. I hate everything about myself and what I've done over these years. I can't even believe it's been years.. I've been free for so long and zen helped me stay free but then I threw it all away again.. There just wasn't any other option. So many lives were spared despite the ones I took. I lost a lot of things that day though.. I lost Zen, my humanity, my guts.. I lost everything. I can't just pretend I can get it back so easily.

"I hurt you.. But i hurt myself more.. I wish you didn't hold onto anything about me.. I wish I never wrote those stupid letters.. then I even gave them to juniper!.. Im so stupid.." I ranted to myself and began feeling sad. My throat was beginning to close up after being under this blanket and everything I'm feeling. "You shouldn't even try, I'd do it all over again if I had to, Zen.." I spoke truthfully as I sat up. I pulled my legs over the side of my bed. The air feels a little better now..

"Ill never forgive you for what you did.. Ill never forgive you for leaving our home without me then doing-.. You were-.." Zen was at a loss for words as we both began to remember.  I hate thinking about what I did. I hate remembering how much it physically and mentally hurt me to do it. I didn't let zen see the tears well up in my eyes. I dont want him to feel bad for me. I began to cough again as my throat closed so before it got bad, I put the oxygen mask on again. "Even when you finished it, you tried to end your own life too.." Tears were streaming down my cheeks but I didn't dare let him know that.

"I still think about doing it sometimes too." I told him without sounding sad.

"Even when everything is fine, you'd still leave everyone who cares about you?" He began to raise his voice, for good reason too. "Out of all the selfish things you've done, you'd do the worst as well?" He shouted but I didn't let him see how I was breaking down. Thank God my back was turned to him. "And even now, you were going to let go! If it weren't for the pharmacy here you would've died! You would've let yourself!"

I hurt everyone with my thoughts. Zen has it the worst but I still feel like I've got the short end of the stick. "Yeah, I would.. I only took Kalon out for selfish reasons. I've told you before Zen, I'm sick. I'm not the sad, scared girl you met covered in black without a voice. I'm ruthless, I killed people even when they surrendered to me. I clung onto another man in front of your eyes so maybe you'd learn that I wasn't someone you should be with. I'm just another royal, just another face. I'm just a soldier, just a body." My words were strong and cold despite how badly I was truely breaking down. "I don't know how many times I have to say it.." I muttered as I slowly stood up with this mask pressed over my nose and my jaged hair covering my face, "We weren't ever made to be together.. not then or now or later.. You weren't meant to follow me." I mumbled.. "I think you sh-should leave.."

No.. I let it slip! I let my voice slip! I let him hear just a bit of how badly this hurt me!

Before he could try to say anything, I took myself to the bathroom without the oxygen tank and shut the door. I cant breathe. My voice broke once more as I let my tears quietly flow freely. I cant hear anything outside the door, I can't hear anything at all! I-I feel like my mind is going to explode! There's so many thoughts running in my mind, it hurts!

I didn't notice how quickly I began breathing. I didn't notice how loud I was. I didn't notice the room spin till I fell.

The corner of my forehead smaked against the tub before I fell on the ground next. "Ah!.." I didn't hear the shout of pain I cried after falling. I managed to stay awake but I couldn't pull myself back up! I was panting and gasping for air as I put my hand on the ledge of the tub to try and get up.

"Y/n-" Zen had rushed in, I could only see him out of the corner of my eyes.

"No! Get away from me!" I shouted yet I didn't hear myself say it. My panting and crying were so loud because I couldn't hear myself. What I had said only stopped him for a second before he came to me. He took me in his arms and slowly picked me up.

"N-No! J-Jun-.. Juniper!.. Leon!.." Everything was spinning. I cant see or hear anything. I can just feel myself being carried away. "N-No, please.." I felt so sad. I need him to go away forever. I need him to live on with a happy wife and children. He will never get thay from me. I just can't do it..

He laid me down back on my bed. He placed the mask over my mouth and nose and quietly pulled my blanket over the top of me. He took the stool by the desk and pulled it over to me. I watched with blurry vision and streaming tears. "You have to go.." I could barely even whisper now. I could see his small smile. He looked at me with loving eyes even after the things I've said just now. He put his hand on my cheek and gently wiped my tears.

"I told you before, I'm not letting you go again and we will go home soon.." He whispered to me while he gently leaned over me and placed a kiss on my forehead that caused me to cry even more.

"Please don't do this to me.." I begged breathlessly.

"Its your turn to deal with me now. I've had just about enough of you" he whispered and kept his forehead pressed against mine while his hand stayed on my cheek, gently wiping my tears. "No amount of tears will change my mind so you had better stop soon" he smiled and met my crying eyes.

"You cant do this to us.. We both know how much it'll hurt again, just end it now.." I kept begging dispite what he's said. This is all I have left. "I-I dont have anymore fight left in me, Zen.. I cant keep going.." I mumbled in tears.

"I have more than enough fight in me still.. When I come home hurt, promise you'll take care of me now.." he whispered and gently caressed my skin soaked with tears.

"I-.. I-I promise, Zen.." That was it. I won't fight him. I want to go home. I want to be loved by him every second of the day. I want us to get married and have a family like my brother does and I just want one more peaceful date with Zen in clarines. Thats all I need..

"Princess?.." Juniper called quietly with a knock on the door.

"We're alright!.." Zen looked over his shoulder to shout.

"Yes, highness.." she answered before leaving. Zen looked back to me with a smile while I kept crying. I'm so tired and I want to forget again. I can't forget this though. We'll move on.. together..