Mistake of the Past (Silvera Series #2)

Kabanata 22

Kabanata 22

Pretending

"D-Dad," I said, pumatak ang luha sa aking mga mata sa oras na masilayan ko ito. Para akong nakakita ng multo. 

"What?" Joaquin whispered beside me with innocence in his eyes. Mabilis kong pinahid ang luha sa aking mga mata at umiling sa kanya. 

I feel weak. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit anong oras ay babagsak ako. My hands are shaking, while my legs are trembling.

"S-Shailyne," as I met those eyes I've never seen for a long time, millions of knives stabbed my chest and I felt how painful those were. It's a knife with hatred. Pumatak ang luha sa mga mata niya, habang ako'y pilit na pinipigilan ang pagluha at pagbigay. 

My nails are buried in my hands again, hurting myself even more. 

"What's the problem? Do you know her?" Joaquin asked with confusion. 

"A-an--"

"Hello, I'm Shailyne, " I introduced myself and smiled as I could, "It's nice to meet you."

My voice almost broke in pain and hatred in my chest. Pero itinago ko iyon at nagpanggap na hindi ito kilala. Bumanlandra ang sakit at gulat sa mga mata niya ng sabihin ko iyon. Before he could even call me his daughter, I cutted him. I gave him a peck of a smile with a lie and pretended not to know him. Para itong naging estatwa at hindi alam ang gagawin. 

"She's my girlfriend, Ninong," he said, and then smiled. Mas lalo ko pang binaon ang mga kuko ko sa aking palad at hindi iniinda ang kahit anong sakit mula roon, "She's the one I've been telling you." 

He faked his smile at Joaquin. Sa tuwing titingnan ako nito ay sakit ang bumu-bungad sa mga mata niya. 

"Wow, she's really beautiful," he said, and then he eyed me, "I think she's very beautiful since she was young." 

Binigyan niya ako ng ngiti ng isang mapagmahal na ama. It broke me a lot. Gustong-gusto ko itong yakapin. Pero sa tuwing naiisip ko iyon, bumabalik sa akin lahat ng dinanas ko nang iwanan ako nito kay Mommy.  The worst is, how can he help others when his daughter is suffering and isolated by her own Mother? I love Joaquin, but I envy him. My Father was able to help them, but not me. 

Not his daughter. I was all alone, suffering in pain. 

"Of course," he said, and then he looked at me while my eyes were looking at my father with a lot of pain and hatred, "She is."

Tiningnan ko si Joaquin. His brown eyes are full of love while eyeing me. Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang panghihina. 

Tumikhim ang tatay ni Joaquin, "The food is waiting, come on." 

"Let's go e--"

"Excuse me," I stated, and then I eyed them, "I'm not feeling well, I don't think I can eat with you tonight." 

Kumunot agad ang noo ni Joaquin, "Are you okay?" he asked, "Kanina lang ay ayos ka naman? What happened?" 

I forced myself to smile beyond the pain, "I suddenly feel sick," ani ko, umarte pa akong masakit ang ulo. 

"Let her rest," my Father said, and then he looked to Joaquin's Father. 

"Excuse me," ani ko, yumuko ako bago 'ko lumakad at nilagpasan sila. I chose not to look at him anymore. 

"You can eat first, ihahatid ko lang siya," saad ni Joaquin hanggang sa maramdaman ko na ang pagsunod niya sa akin paakyat sa itaas. I'm not okay. Gusto kong isigaw lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. A lot of questions showered my mind. 

I hate this feeling. Pero paulit-ulit akong bumabalik sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Napa-hawak ako sa gilid ng pinto ng kwarto ko sa panghihina, "Are you okay?" Joaquin asked. Inalalayan ako nito sa aking beywang at nag-aalala akong tiningnan, "You look pale, Shailyne, " he said, as he noticed it on my face. 

I nodded, "I just need rest," saad ko. 

"Ipagdadala na lang kita ng pagkain," aniya. Inalalayan niya ako hanggang sa nakaupo ako sa kama ng tulala at wala sa aking sarili. Pinipigilan ko ang tuluyan na pagbagsak ng luha mula sa'king mga mata. I'm trying to hold it on while he's here. Sapat na lahat ng kahinaan at sakit na naipakita ko sa kanya. 

I'm not ready to tell him everything. 

"Go," I said, without eyeing him. Lakas loob akong mahinang bumuga ng hangin bago ko ito tiningnan, "They're waiting." 

I saw how he got weary as I met his eyes. Mabilis kong inilihis ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya titigan ito ngayon ng matagal. 

"Rest well," he said, before I saw him leave the room. 

As he closed the door, the tears of pain fell down on my cheeks. Impit akong umiyak at mas idiniin pa ang pagkaka-baon ng mga kuko ko sa aking palad. I want to scream! I want to scream all the pain to the world! I want to scream and tell them how mad I am! Kinabog ko ang dibdib ko sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko. Paulit-ulit ko iyong kina-kabog habang walang tigil ang pagbuhos ng luha sa aking mga mata. My hands are shaking, but I still manage to cover my mouth while crying in pain. 

Why does it have to be him?! Why my own Father?! 

Humikbi ako ng nanghihina. I was very happy that someone stood up and helped Joaquin and his Dad to get over everything. Halos hangaan ko ang taong iyon, without knowing that it's my Dad who helped them. My own Father who left but helped someone instead of his own daughter. 

Ibinagsak ko ang sarili ko sa kama at pagod ang mga matang pinagmasdan ang puting kisame. My hands are in pain, but I couldn't feel it any less. My heart was aching, and I couldn't feel it anymore. Why do I have to feel all the pain? 

I closed my eyes, tired of everything. I closed my eyes and tears fell from those. I closed my eyes and the pain is still there. I closed my eyes and I can still feel the hatred in my chest. 

I closed my eyes and fell asleep. As I awoke in the morning, I opened my eyes, and I am still tired. I opened my eyes and I can still feel the grease of tears. I opened my eyes and there's still pain. I opened my eyes and nothing changed. 

I'm still in pain, and I can't escape it. I don't want to continue, but life left me no choice. I pulled myself out of the bed and got ready for school. As I finished, I eyed myself in the mirror. I looked pale, and Joaquin was right. Lumabas ako sa kwarto at bumaba. I saw the maids doing their jobs. Sofia waved her hand as she saw me while she's sweeping the floor. I just waved my hand, not in the mood to smile. 

I smelled coffee from the living room and heard men talking. 

"Do you love her?" I stopped, as I remembered that voice. 

"So much that I could die if I lose her," my man said, and my heart aches. Why does it have to put us in this difficult situation? Am I really for him? Do I really deserve a man like him? Dahil pakiramdam ko'y buong mundo ang pumipigil at pilit kaming hinaharangan. 

I stepped forward, but I also made three steps backwards. 

Nag-init ang aking mga mata, at bumagsak muli ang luha mula roon. I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked away. 

He doesn't know anything and I know he will know it soon. 

When it comes, I will have to stop pretending as he notices why I'm being like this. 

clarixass