DM #2: Dean Andrada

Kabanata 19

Kabanata 19

Mercy

Wala ako sa sarili nang bumalik ng condo. Nadatnan ko si Noah sa sala na nakaharap sa laptop. Nagpaalam akong papasok muna ng kwarto para makapagbihis.

Nilagay ko ang cellphone sa kama bago pumasok ng banyo. Habang naliligo, mas naiproseso ko ang nangyari sa baba kanina.

I didn't give him the chance. It's not my priority right now and he understands. Ang tungkol sa totoo kong magulang ang pagtutuunan ko ng pansin. I don't want to admit it, but I know I'm already desperate. I'd like to know where I came from and who I really am.

It's not easy to grow without having a childhood, specifically the memories while you're growing up. I never got a chance to hold a doll because Mama won't allow me. I never got a friend because no one liked me. I celebrated my birthday for years, alone. I don't even have an idea when was my birthday. I grew up but I felt empty. It feels like I just skipped that part of my life. It sucks because I can't go back the time.

Then right now, I want to know the reasons why I have to go through that. I want to know their reasons. Hindi ko man malalaman ang side ni Papa, pakikinggan ko ang mga taong posibleng magulang ko. I want to know if they ever tried to find me. Because if they didn't, I won't be disappointed about losing them at the first place.

I lost myself for a few times and I won't allow that to happen again. I may not have a family but I have myself. At the end of the day, everything will be okay as long as I have my sanity. I don't want to depend on anyone because nothing will change, they will just hurt me in the end.

The way I view life changes because of experiences. Everyone around me can hurt me anytime they want and this time, I won't let them.

Mabilis kong tinapos ang pagligo at nagbihis. Tinuyo ko ang buhok sa loob ng banyo bago lumabas.

Napatingin ako sa cellphone na nasa kama nang tumunog iyon para sa isang mensahe. Naupo ako sa kama at kinuha ang cellphone para basahin iyon.

Unknown Number:

I just got home. I will have a dinner meeting later at 8 pm.

Unknown Number:

Please don't think too much. Take a good rest.

Hindi nakasave ang numero niya sa akin. Kanina pa ang naunang mensahe at ngayon-ngayon lang ang pangalawa.

Ngayon na alam kong si Dean ang may-ari ng numero, hindi ko na alam kung paano siya sasagutin.

Kaya sa huli, inilapag ko na lang ang cellphone, wala nang planong sagutin pa ang mensahe. Also, his messages are not questions. Maaari kong hindi sagutin dahil hindi naman tanong.

Maliban sa totoo kong magulang, may isa pang bumabagabag sa akin. Dean is known for being responsible, especially when it comes to their company.

Marami akong naririnig noon sa lungsod tungkol sa mga Andrada. Mas maingay ang pangalan niya kumpara sa dalawang kapatid dahil siya ang madalas nakikipaghalubilo. Interesado ang mga tao sa kanya kaya imposibleng mali ang narinig ko sa lungsod na may asawa siya at anak.

Ang sabi niya'y wala siya ng mga pinagsasabi ko. If he's responsible enough as a man to his family, he won't come over me to ask for his chance. If it's really true that he's single and not married, I should hold a proof for me to believe it.

Napatingin ako sa cellphone at kinuha iyon. Hindi man sigurado kung may lalabas, hindi naman magiging masama kung susubukan ko lang.

I opened the app that Noah introduced to me before. I typed his name on the search bar and clicked the search button. Hindi ako makapaniwala na makita ang sunod-sunod na article at interviews na lumabas.