Obey

Chapter 10

August 16,2020

It has been almost 2 moths since my last day off and today I was able to sleep in. My mom had the idea of having Jun Jun stay with her for the night so I could enjoy a quiet morning, but now that I am awake I have to admit I miss his wake up kisses. Today is a plans free day and the only thing I want to do is cook, eat and play with Jun. I miss being able to have family time and I think today is a good day to make up for lost time. I get up not planning on changing from my PJ onesie. I might look ridiculous in my bright yellow bunny onesie but today is one of those days where I get to be myself. Before I head to the living room to greet my family I check on my hair and I try to fix as much as I can. I might be ok with looking like a giant yellow bunny but I will not be looking like the girl from the movie "The ring". Yesterday my hair was on buns for most of the day and today it woke up in enviously waves that I wish I always had.

"Good Morning sleeping bunny" My mom says as soon as I walk into the living room. She is currently feeding Jun a banana and she looks up at me with the sweetest smile possible. Unfortunately I wish I could enjoy her smile like I used to, but ever since I started to lie to her about what's going on in my life. It has been hard to be able to feel like I deserve it.

"Good Morning eomma" I say trying to match her smile. I might not deserve her smiles but she does deserve mine. I take sit on my favorite spot of the living room. Of course its the floor but its the perfect spot to be able to watch the TV and at the same time be able to look at the street through the windows. One of my favorite things to do on days like this is people watch. I don't know how that habit started but ever since I lived in France I remember drinking my coffee on our apartment balcony and just looking at the people below go about their days. I used to imagine what their lives looked like and I wondered if they were as happy as me. Lately that has changed into "are they as sad as me?".

I look out the window and all I can wonder is if there is someone else that feels like I do. This uncertainty and emptiness is what mostly fills my mind. Does any one feel like they are not good enough? Do they feel like life has given up on them? I unconsciously look at my mom who is still helping Jun with his breakfast and I wonder if she ever feels that way. I can't help but notice she always looks so tired and I am afraid one day she will give up on us. Dealing with my dad's situation is not easy. He had a few days where we saw some improvement but he has started to regress in his depression. My mom tries to hide her feelings but sometimes I can see her crack. She probably thinks the same about me. If there is anyone in this world that knows me the best. That person is my mom. I know she wants to talk about my feelings and I already know what she is going to say. "Sun-Hee You are good enough, Sun-Hee life is just starting for you". Unfortunately I won't believe it. How can I think I am good enough when the boy I was head over heels has gotten engaged to someone else. How can I feel good enough when every day there is someone reminding me that I am not. How can I think that life has not given up on me when I have to work my ass off to be able to provide for my family. Believe me I am not complaining about it. I choose this! but I do have days where I want to give up. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life that I don't allow myself to do just that.

"Sun-ahh you awake?" I hear my grandma call my name and I am back from my thoughts. I turn around to see her standing behind me with a breakfast plate.

"Good Morning halmeoni" I say using the same smile I used earlier with my mom.

"I called your name multiple times, were you day dreaming about boys?" She chuckles handing me the breakfast plate.