Obey

Chapter 17 *Trigger warning*

November 3, 2020

Sun-Hee POV

My days have changed so much in such a small amount of time and I don't know how to feel about it. I want to say that the last two months have passed really fast but I would be lying. They have been the longest months of my life. I have done everything possible to stay busy but it does not work. I got into a small art school to make up for lost time and I have signed up for all my required classes, all at the same time. Of course that has not helped in moving time faster. Nothing I do moves time faster and every second is filled with an inexplicable pain. I would say thats its unbearable but I can't say that. Every moment around my family reminds me of why I am going through this.

My dad has gone back to work and he seems to be doing amazing. His schedule is crazy and has been working non stop. But when he is home he makes sure to spend as much time as possible with Jun and I. The attitude change has done great things for our family. My mom has gone back to painting and has even sold a few of her paintings to some of our neighbors. We are all very proud of her specially dad who seems to brag about her to his coworkers. Their relationship seems to be heading to a good place and seeing dad gush over his wife is the only good thing in my life right now.

My home is back to being filled with laughter and warmth which ironically is the total opposite of how I feel inside. In the small moments where the pain seems to subside I am met with no feelings at all. For that moment my heart is an empty hole and nothing fills me. Not family, friends, dance, food, tv nor music. Music which use to be my place of escape has become my burden. I can't listen to any song without thinking of him. The last time I was able to fully finish a song was about a month ago when a collab between BTS and a western artist was released. I played his verse a million times hoping it was meant for me.

Every night and everyday, I'm swept away by the waves
Don't know what I am thinking, cant get you out my head

I know its illogical. Why would his verse be about me? Knowing that could be impossible made no difference. I still played it until my ears hurt. That day I fell asleep to his voice something I haven't been able to do in such a long time.

Hiding this pain from the people around me has been difficult. My parents have noticed I am not the same but I know they blame it on the overwhelming load of classes. Mom has asked me to slow down multiple times but I don't listen.

The girls blame it on being friend deprived since I haven't been able to meet up with them in months. I still talk to them everyday through text and FaceTime calls but its not the same. They think we haven't met up because of their busy schedules and have apologized a millions times. Not knowing that I am the one that has been avoiding them. I don't know how many times they have tried to come over and I have made an excuse. Is not that I don't want to see them. I do. It's just that I cant see them. I cant face them, not after everything that has happened. I can't look at them and continue lying like I have been doing all this time. Thankfully the girls are super busy with Min and Hae working non stop due to the boys incoming comeback. Ella who gets more pregnant by the minute has had a horrible time lately. Her pregnancy has been difficult with the morning sickness not stopping after the first trimester ended. She has been made to stay at home by Namjoon and I don't blame him. She has planned so many trips for all of us to meet but her body wont let her. Unfortunately it has worked in my favor even though I wish my friend was not going through this. I wish I could take that pain away from her. Just add it to the pain I already feel. They could keep each other company.