Obey

Chapter 19

Sleep! What is sleep? I dont know the answer to that question anymore because I haven't had a full night sleep since him. Sleep has always been difficult for me, my brain is always running a million miles a second and I can never get it to calm down enough to find sleep, but with him that was not a problem. I use to fall asleep in his arms with such ease that you would think sleep was my best friend and not my enemy. So many nights spent in his arms. Arms that felt safe and free of any worry or concern. If there is something I miss more than anything it's his natural smell, the warm of his skin and the feel of his chest under my cheek.

Another night where sleep can not find me. So many things on my head to fully relax. I dont know if I am still anxious over how difficult it was to hide my bruises from my parents or if its something else. Coming home this afternoon was an awful experience. I was thankful the girls insisted on having someone drive me home and I used the time to fix my makeup. Once I was home I headed straight to my room and tried to avoid as much of my family as possible. My parents know how tired I have been for weeks now and they didn't think twice when I missed dinner. To their disappointment and concern this has become my new routine. I come home from school and barely eat only to pretend to sleep until the next day. I do my best to push through how I feel and I try to spend time with them but some days I just cant. Today is one of those days for more reasons than one. Another reason as to why I cant find sleep might be what happened to me. Even though I want to bury what happened and hide myself from the memories I will have a hard time letting go. I have never been so scared in my life and my hands still shake every time it comes to mind. But everything that happened today does not compare to the pain I felt when I saw Hobi and the way he ignored me. That pain was worse than anything Kang could have done to me. That image will hunt me for the rest of my life.

After my hundredth time of trying to close my eyes I have come to the decision of leaving my bed and making myself some tea. My way to the kitchen is full of silence and darkness. Times before I would have been scared to leave my room at this hour due to this same darkness but today the black hole in front of me is comforting. Knowing I don't have to hide my bruises in pounds of makeup gives me the relief I craved. The bruises on my arms are a different story those I still hide under what has become to be my favorite sleeping hoodie. The green hoodie he gave me what feels like an eternity ago. It practically fits like a dress and I mostly wear it to bed to feel closer to him.

The kitchen is as dark as the rest of the house and I grab my phone to illuminate my tea making journey. I try to not make any noice afraid that I will wake someone in the house. With gentle movements I finish my much needed tea and I take a seat at the table hoping the change of scenery will make me sleepy. I stare into the darkness and the memories of today flash through my mind. I squint my eyes and shake my head uncontrollably trying to erase them but I break down just as quickly. A flood of tears run down my face and I cant hold back anymore. I let all the tears fall giving up on my useless fight. I dont know how long I sit at the table just crying until I cant breath but I eventually stop. Once I do my whole body goes numb. I no longer feel my wet face or my shaking hands. I dont feel my broken and damage heart and most of all I dont feel the pain of my cheek or arms. I dont feel anything. On one hand I am thankful I have stopped crying but for a moment I contemplate if I am going crazy. It honestly feels like I am. I run my fingers through my hair which has been down since I showered and I try to hold on to something physical that will let me know I am still alive.

I struggle to get up from the chair finding that my legs have also gone numb. I do my best to make it to my bed before I collapse but on my way to my room I hear my phone go off with a text notification. I turn my phone to check who could be texting me this late and the thought of the girls checking on me crosses my mind. But when I look at the screen I cant believe what I see.