Canvas - Z.M

Chapter 43

"You only learn from your mistakes as you grow. If you haven't learned from your mistakes, maybe you're still in the process of growing."

//

There's situations where I can't help but think about everything that Zayn and I had gone through. My head tells me to leave, but my heart refuses too.

I'm so in love with Zayn, even with the consequences that come with him. I've learnt to over look it. But now that he's recovering and changing to make a difference, all I can think about is when is he going to rebound and go down hill again.

Is it wrong for me to think like that?

It's like one step forward, and two step backs.

Any little thing can trigger an unwanted memory and having these nightmares is just one thing that I want to avoid at all costs.

Zayn is snoring quietly beside me, arm lazily draped around my waist as I stare off into darkness.

I can't sleep. I'm too afraid to sleep. I don't want to keep Zayn up.

What if I have a nightmare again?

I use to wake up panting, because of the choke hold Zayn had put me in in my dream. I use to wake up crying, because I was so scared of what he'd do.

I'm back to square one.

I close my eyes briefly, and it's enough for me to fall straight to sleep, but I push through and open my eyes.

Sitting up, I place Zayns arm on the bed and stand to grab myself a drink of water from downstairs.

My thoughts are racing to a million different reasons why I've stayed with him.

I don't know why I'm having cold feet.

I've always had this feeling when something bad is going to happen, but I want to ignore it.

Staying up late at night isn't helping too because it's making me over think everything.

The boys are going back to the studio next week after Zayns birthday and I don't know why I'm counting down those days.

Am I happy with Zayn? Yes.

Does the happiness last? Not exactly.

There's always an obstacle that causes us to stop and argue at before passing through.

There's no easy way for us.

We're toxic together.

But I'm so in love.

I want to see Grace. Not for Zayns sake, but for my own. I can't keep throwing my thoughts around because my morals has ended me up where I am now.

"Rena?" I hear a tiresome voice behind me and I take the glass off the bench and drink from it.

Zayn, shirtless with feverish skin, wraps his arms around my waist from behind me and I bite my lip.

His musky scent engulfs me and I close my eyes.

"What are you doing up?" He mumbles quietly.

I look out the window, into complete darkness. Little shadows and faint lights are glistening from outside the kitchen window.

"I can't sleep." I murmur.

Zayn sighs quietly as he rests his chin against my shoulder. His lips meet my skin and I bite my lip. "You can't sleep?" he repeats.

I look down at his hands that are resting against my stomach. I won't sleep.

"I just have a lot on my mind." I murmur, frowning.