Book Exchange Romance | A Kim Namjoon FanFic

Chapter 27 - Namjoon

TW: Miscarriage Talk

"What..." He started to say. He wanted to ask her what she wanted to do tomorrow, but she interrupted him.

"I had a miscarriage." She said sitting up. She was looking at the river, the reflection of the moon shinning down.

"What?" He said, sitting up. Did he heard her right? Did she say she had a miscarriage?

"Two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage." She said in a whisper, looking down at her hands.

"What... how...?" He started to say but no words came out. "You were pregnant?" He asked her.

"I... I didn't know I was pregnant. I found out that same night." She said quietly. She didn't look up.

"What... why didn't you tell me?" He asked her. He was worried. Why didn't she told him right away?

"I didn't know how." She said. "This is not something light. This is not something that I can say over the phone or over our video calls." She said. "I... I wanted to tell you in person. Not telling you has been eating me alive for the past two weeks. I wasn't sure I could even tell you." She said. Namjoon looked at her. She looked scared, she looked so fragile, vulnerable. It broke his heart. Everything made sense now. The way she was acting, her gloomy depressed mood, her quietness, it all made sense. He did the only thing he felt like doing. He hugged her. At first, she didn't react, but after it settled, she broke down crying. "I'm sorry." She repeated over and over again. "I didn't know how to tell you I was scared." She said. "I'm sorry." She repeated. Namjoon hugged her tighter. "I wanted to tell you, but I was scared." She said. She held on to him like a lost child, crying. She held on to him so tightly, as if she was afraid, he was going to slip through her fingers and disappear. It broke his heart.

"Scared of what?" He asked her. "That I would leave? That I would hate you? Baby, you are not at fault." He said reassuringly. He rubbed her back in a comforting way. "This is not your fault." He said. "You should have told me right away." He said. "I should have been here." He said.

"I'm sorry." She kept apologizing. Namjoon hugged her tighter, his eye watering.

"You have nothing to apologize for." He said, his voice breaking. "You did nothing wrong." He said kissing the top of her head. He held on to her. Her whole body was shaking. She had gone through one of the most traumatic experiences of her life and he wasn't there for her. She was alone when it happened. The thought alone destroyed him. Just thinking about how she felt, broke his heart. He should have been there, but he wasn't. He was thousands of miles away. "Were you alone? Did you go to a hospital? Are you okay?" He asked her once she had calmed down. She sat up and looked at him. Her face was red, and her eyes looked tired.

"I called Eun-Ae." She said, wiping the tears away. "I lost our baby." She said. He placed his hand on her neck and rubbed it with his thumb. "I thought it was just a simple stomachache, maybe my gallbladder or my appendix, but when Eun-Ae removed the covers to help me get changed to take me to the hospital..." She paused. "Joon, there was so much blood on the sheets and on me. I had to buy a new mattress." She said, wiping away the tears. He squeezed her neck in a comforting way. "Then at the hospital the doctor confirmed I had a natural miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant." She said. "If I had I would have taken better care of myself. But then again, we really haven't talked about it." She said looking at him. The light of the moon shone on her tear-stained face, giving her a glittering look. "Are we even ready?" She asked him.

'Are we even ready?' Her words resonated in his mind. He looked down.

"Are we?" He asked her, looking into her eyes. "I feel we should have this conversation now. Get it out of the way. I think we are at that point of our relationship." He said. She nodded, looking down. "Are we?" He asked her again. "We have been careful, but accidents happen. Are we ready if it did happen again?" He asked. There was silence between them. He dropped his hand to his lap. Were they ready to become parents if it came down to it? Was he ready to become a father? He always wanted to, but was he ready to do it while still being RM from BTS?