A world of my own - MINSUNG

Part 12 - Jisung

"Where are we going?" I asked again.

"Shshshshhsh! You've asked me that at least, like, seventeen times already. Be patient."

"What the heck do you mean seventeen times? We barely just left your house," I grumbled.

"Exactly, so zip it, you little quokka! We'll be there soon." He looked over and smiled at my annoyed face. "Why are you so cute? You know you just make me want to eat you."

I blushed.

"Not like that!!! Honestly you dirty boy. I just meant you look like a- just, you look really cute, OK? Now shush and keep walking." He quickly bent his head so I wouldn't see that he was also blushing. I grinned.

We walked in silence for a few blocks. His hand was still holding my hand and his fingers feel warm and safe in mine. "So, I mean, after yesterday, we're probably boyfriends now, right?"

He looked at me in surprise. "Well - yeah, I guess we are." We both smiled at each other. His smile was shy and made my insides melt. "Although, can we make today our first proper day as a couple? Because I don't remember shit about what happened yesterday."

I bit my lip. "Fine, but our first proper kiss is the one that happened in your house." When he looked blank, I clarified. "The day before my birthday."

"Oh, sure, OK." He went silent again, and I wanted to ask him what was on his mind.

"Is this it?" I said a moment later.

He stopped. He'd looked so wrapped up in his thoughts I thought he didn't know where he was going, but he nodded almost imperceptibly.

We were standing in front of a church.

"What's wrong, Minho hyung?" I asked, immediately concerned as he didn't say a word and breathed in shallowly. 

He smiled at me small. "I'm fine."

I held his hand tightly as we walked closer.

"I don't want to go in there," he said. "I've been in that church too many times even when he was alive."

I stiffened beside him. I could tell he was referring to his father but I didn't say a word. 

He walked to the graveyard behind the church. "You know, Jisung, my father was buried here."

"You're father's dead?" I asked, trying to sound as surprised as possible. "I'm sorry, Minho hyung."

"Don't be. My mother didn't even want me to know when it happened, so, I never really felt sad or anything. I want to tell you something." The gate was open; we made our way inside and he weaved through the headstones until he found my father's. Minho lay down on the grass beside it and I gently sat down and put his head on my lap, stroking his hair while he spoke.

"When I was younger, I knew I was a bit different to all the other boys in our neighbourhood. I didn't realize I was gay, obviously, but I knew I didn't like girls when all the boys would talk about their first crushes or whatever. My father must have noticed it before I did. He was always trying to wipe it away from me, and get rid of it, because he didn't want a gay son. He called it 'cleansing'. As if being gay was a dirty thing."

I felt my heart grow heavy at the way he was speaking. "That's really sad," I whispered.

"So, he brought me to this church. He prayed to God to take away the 'devil's craving' that I had inside me. I was scared of my own feelings then because I didn't know it was a natural thing that a lot of men have. I thought I was the only one for so many years." He closed his eyes and said, "Do you know what's funny? When my dad died, I never really missed him, because he couldn't stand to be in the same room as someone who was attracted to guys."

I didn't know what to say except for, "I'm sorry."

"It's OK. I'm pretty sure if he was still alive my dad would realize it wasn't such a bad thing after all that I didn't like girls. So I came here to ask for his blessing, not to be mad at him."

"His- his what? Minho, we're not getting married," I said, almost laughing.

"We might sometime in the future. I just want him to approve for now that I have a boyfriend. I want him to be happy for me."

The longing in his voice broke my heart. He got up and looked at the headstone, tracing the lines of writing with his finger.

"Hi, Dad." He swallowed. "I want you to meet Jisung. He's my boyfriend. I really like him." Then he shook his head. "No, I think I love him. He's only been my boyfriend for a short time, but one day when we're older, I want to marry him. It's not the end of the world like you thought it was." He paused and I squeezed his hand. "I still love you, Dad, and I hope you've finally found peace now. I hope that if you were still here, you'd know I made the right choice."

When I reached out to give him a hug, I saw the shine of tears in his eyes, wordlessly wiped them away with my sleeve and held him tightly. Then I whispered in his ear,

"Don't worry, Minho. No matter what happens, I'll still always love you."