Without Jesse

(2) ms. tale

✨Talia✨

~Psychologist Room~

I always wondered what Sara did in her free time. You know, when she wasn't asking me stupid and meaningless questions. Her voice was so calm and steady, unlike the constant racing thoughts in my head that screamed at me to not talk, not think, just run. 

Run away from everything and everyone.

"How do you think you're handling the situation, Talia?" she asked me another question, this had to be the 75th. 

As usual, I didn't answer. I just shrugged my shoulders, and continued examining my nails. She signed her papers a bit more. I didn't understand why she wrote stuff down if I didn't answer. I looked at the garden outside her plain window. Her room consisted of white walls, white desk, black door, a little pink notebook that she wrote my "progress" in, and the many many stuffed animals and toys she had to help her patients.

She sighed, "Talia, one day this is just going to be a thing in the past. A horrible thing but still, only a thing. You can't let this control you." Her voice was somewhat desperate, obviously she was tired of my non-responsive appointments. 

Another sigh, "Talia... why do you continue to morn for Jesse? I understand normal morning, the occasional visit to their grave. But you have held on to the extremely little things. And haven't gone to her grave to grieve. Jesse's parents have accepted her death. What is the reason you can't? Talia?"

I looked at the little blood crescent moons formed in my palms. Now it was time for me to sigh. Why couldn't anyone understand? 

"Jesse's parents hated her in the last hours of her life of course they accepted her death before I did. I lost a friend that I have loved since 3rd grade. I can't even go to her grave without screaming." I thought. Or at least I thought I thought that.

"It's good to speak to someone, and I'm glad you answered at least that question." Sara replied to me, I glared at the floor refusing to loose my cool. Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut?

"Now, why would you think Jesse's parents hated her in her last hours?" Sara asked me, I glanced at the large clock on her wall. Still 17 minutes. I could last that long. Couldn't I?

"Talia, this might give you a little closure if you talk about this?" Sara persisted. I had to stay strong. I had to keep Jesse's secret. Even if she... if she was dead, I promised her I would keep her secret with me until she wanted it to be told.

I shook my head. 

"Talia, I can help you. And so can the school you're moving to! They have a program that has people your age, dealing with similar problems." Sara pushed her notebook aside, and leaned over her desk. Her lilac perfume tickling my nose.

"What happened to Jesse was horrible, but there is some things you can do to help you with the closure." she picked up a piece of paper and a pen, " You could write to Jesse, write to her the things you can't tell her now. I think it would help." She pushed the pen and paper to me.

10 minutes. I can do this. I avoided looking at the items in front of me. Just stare at the clock.

"Jesse was not a problem." I seethed. "What happened to Jesse was not horrible. It is devastating. And it is her parents fault... and mine." I was breathing hard now.

"Talia, your right. Jesse wasn't a problem. She was in a situation that was devastating. But it is in the past, just write to her or talk to me, either one will help." Sara looked at me firmly but with assurance.