Perpetuity

Mission of Compadres

I don't know when was the last time I had a proper meal with a good mood. I know my every action affects the little light that is blooming within me. I know he or she will suffer if I don't take care of myself well. But I couldn't do a single thing with the messy thoughts and the stress I was carrying these days.

No matter how much Rhy and Seb tried to make me eat or take me out, I just started loving the silence and the loneliness day by day. I preferred to sit on the window sill in my bedroom and lost in my thoughts. It truly gave me a sense of comfort though it seems highly unhealthy according to Rhy and Seb. But no matter how badly I was down, I never forgot to talk and sing for my bundle of joy. It truly helped me to keep my mind sane.

It's been 2 weeks I last saw him. It's been 7 days I last heard about the shocking news about him. It's like he has disappeared from the surface. I don't know what I am supposed to do any longer. Honestly I truly have lost the purpose to live after hearing the shocking news from the tv.

I know I rejected him even before he explained anything. Now when I think about it, I think the decision I made was better and appropriate after knowing the exact truth. But if I tell honestly, I feel completely miserable and lost right now. Because in a corner of my heart, there was this thought that we will have at least a little chance to be with each other at the end. But now everything has washed away like a sea wave that never leaves even a small trace after it gushes to the shore.

I wished what I saw that morning to be just a misunderstanding many times. But it was just an never happening wish in my mind when I see the living proof that they had slept together. Because he has already given her something precious, something memorable for a life time already. I wished it to be me and my little light so badly mamy times. I wished we were a beautiful family one day passing each and every barrier and obstacles together taking care of each. I just didn't want his title or his fame. All I ever wanted was him. But dear lord, was it too much to ask? Because what else remains for me now excepta shattered heart?

Now he has a new beginning, new family and a beautiful queen  by his side. Eventually he will forget that there was an orphan girl who loved him dearly till her last breath. And he will never know about that he conceived another woman mistaking her as his mate. His people will never know about the royal blood that's flowing in my child. God! I just feel like dying already. Because when I think about all these prospects, it makes me more brokenhearted and unworthy for myself than ever.

Though the puking had stopped, it just appears in the moments once I start the pity party in my mind. I know I am physically as well as emotionally destroyed already. I know I have nothing to lose anymore. But when I think about the way he was holding her hand with one, while circling his other hand on her waist sharing their proud good news to his people that she is pregnant, I completely lost myself.

"Fia...what are you thinking love? Why aren't you eating anything? You know how bad it's for the baby right?" hearing Sebastian's voice, I realised that I haven't even touched the plate of pancakes with maple syrup he left on the table before they left for Rhy's shop in the morning. Seb has decided to take a break and help Rhy till I get better. I think that's a good idea when I think about it. Because with a mind set like this, I know I cannot be a resourceful person to anyone.

" I...I am sorr...y Seb. I just...forgot...I...was thinking about..." I just couldn't even spell his name. I became a sobbing mess within seconds. I think I am doing that a lot for the past two weeks more often. Because my heart couldn't hide the pain I was carrying for my unborn child and the heartbreak I am trying to endure so far.

"Oh dear lord! Please give some strength to our little girl.  Please don't cry love. Think about your unborn child...please Fia..." saying that he hugged me to his chest like a parent holding and comforting their daughter.