The pleading eyes looking into mine definitely made it harder to say what I was thinking. I had had this conversation with Emily many times since we had broken up but she wasn’t giving up. And although a part of me understood how she felt, it didn’t change what I felt.
“I’m sorry, Emily” I said quietly and this time my words seemed to resonate with the older one.
She dropped her head and the defeat was apparent in her body language. Her head shaking mildly, tears still rolling down her cheeks, I felt horrible being responsible for her distress.
“I screwed up so bad”, she sighed deeply.
“Look, I want to help you”, I responded softly. “I appreciate what you did for me when I was struggling, I honestly do. And I want to be there for you…just not in the way that you want me to. And I think you might need more help than I’m able to offer.”
“I know I do”, Emily surprisingly admitted and met my gaze. “It was selfish but I was trying to keep you by my side by not getting other help. I know it was wrong but I didn’t want to lose you. Considering I lost you after all, I’m sorry for being manipulative in that sense.”
“It’s ok”, I assured gently. “You’re going through a rough time. We all do things we wouldn’t do under normal circumstances when we’re hurting. I just want you to get better.”
“Me too”, my ex-girlfriend agreed.
“I’ll be there for you if you want me to. And we can still be friends-“
“No”, she interrupted immediately. “I can’t be your friend. It’s too hard.”
“I’m going to do what you’re comfortable with”, I replied. “But maybe when some time passes, we’ll be able to friends.”
“You can’t be friends with someone that you were in love with once, Lauren”, Emily said decisively.
“Why not?”
“The same reason you can’t be with friends with Camila”, her answer made me gulp a little.
“Camila and I are just friends”, I answered weakly.
“Are you sure?” she asked challengingly but without anger. “How come you weren’t friends with her for the past two years then? You knew she was in New York but you didn’t want to see her until you met by accident. Don’t you wonder why you avoided each other all this time? Once you answer that question to yourself, you’ll know why I can’t be your friend after this.”
Taking a deep breath, I was repeating her words in my head and began to realize what she meant. Remembering what had happened just a few minutes ago, I couldn’t deny that I had enjoyed Camila cuddling up to me on the couch and experiencing some resurfacing feelings. Those feelings had never vanished – not completely – not ever since she had kissed me for the first time in Costa Rica all these years ago.
“I’m still worried about you to be honest”, I confessed mildly.
“Don’t be”, she gave back with a soft smile. “I’ll take care of things and get the help I need. But I’m sorry that I hurt you. Please believe that.”
“I always have”, I reciprocated her smile.
“I should go”, Emily exhaled loudly.
“Alright”, I nodded subtly. “If you change your mind, I’m here to talk.”
“Ok”, she whispered and I couldn’t help myself but hug her one last time. Her arms folded around my waist and I heard her release a small sob before quickly pulling away.
