after || billie eilish

eighteen

billie

tate had another court hearing yesterday. i couldn't make myself go. i couldn't stand seeing her in that state. plus, one of the officers told me the judge would basically be saying the same things and that i wouldn't be missing anything important.

i'll visit her tomorrow, i'll actually apologize this time. i feel awful, this whole thing is awful. i got her into this position and that was my fault, but she has to see my side of it too.

i haven't left my room since i got back from the initial visit nor have i checked any social media in fear of seeing the pictures.

i let out a heavy breath before taking my phone off of the charger, looking at it for the first time in well over a day. the time read 1 pm and a number of texts appeared on the screen. friends saying things like "i'm sorry", "i fully support you" and "you'll get through this!" the pity made me want to gag.

i couldn't avoid this forever, so i might as well face it. i typed in my password and went straight to instagram. my tags were flooded with the shitty quality picture of my lips on tates, her holding my face.

i clicked on one, a fan account with the caption "she better not break billies heart," this made me fall into the realization that not only was this bad for me, but tate too.

i checked the comments on my previous instagram post to see some pretty nasty things, slurs, death threats, worse of all they found out tates name. but, most of what i was receiving was only support and love.

there's a soft, recognizable knock at my door, distracting me from my thoughts. "come in" i state.

"hey bil" finneas says, closing the door softly behind him and sitting on the bed next to me. "i'm sorry"

"i don't want pity, there's nothing to be sorry about! what are you sorry about?" i ask harshly, letting silence fill the room. "come on finneas? what are you sorry about?"

i don't know why i'm so mad, i shouldn't be taking it out on him.

he goes on his phone, pulling up twitter to the trending tab where my name was. he showed me the screen to reveal tweets like "she's a criminal", "her name is tatum bryers" , "she is not good for billie at all" , "she's in jail right now" "her home address is ————" these were just some of them.

"jesus christ" i whisper. "fuck, i really fucked up finneas"

"listen, i honestly don't know what i'd do in this situation so i'm not going to try and give you some fake advice, but i know you'll figure out the right words to share" finneas says before pulling me into a tight hug. "you also have mom and dad you know you can talk too"

i love my parents more than anything don't get me wrong, but i didn't want to hear what they had to say about any of this as i know it would just be disappointment.

"let me know if you need anything" finneas says before leaving my room. "i'll leave you alone"

i pull out instagram and scroll through my camera roll, finding a picture of me and tate laughing at a waffle house that corey took.

i captioned the photo, "just friends ❤️" and posted it without thinking twice.

our so called relationship we had together has to end. it's bad for image, more importantly, mine. tate cant control herself, she's a troubled person who needs to focus on herself. us being together isn't going to help anyone or anything.

i went into twitter, not really thinking of the words i was typing.

@BillieEilish: tatum is my bestfriend, nothing more, nothing less. so please, treat her like how you'd treat your bestfriend<3

tate doesn't think about me, or the damage she can do to me by getting herself in trouble.

my phone started to ring, snapping me out of my thoughts. it was kermit.

"hey billie" kermit says. his voice had a tired tone laced into it.

"hey kermit, what's up?"

"uh, tatum um, tatum needs a favor"

i knew where kermit was going with this, but i didn't understand why tatum couldn't ask me.

"tatums bail is $7,500 dollars. she has about $1,500 of it now and just needs you to loan the missing amount. she will pay you back as soon as she gets the money and w-" he begins before i cut him off.

"no kermit. she's never going to learn, she will keep her bad habits forever if she gets out now. she needs to sit in there and think about what she's done" i tell him, trying not to raise my voice too much.

"i understand billie, but your the one that was speeding, your the one who caused this kind of" kermit says. "she doesn't need to sit and think about her actions, she smoked a little weed and went on a date with you. what is there to think about? listen to yourself billie"

"no, i'm not giving her the money she needs. i'm sorry. you can tell tatum that" i finish before hanging up the phone.

i just need to go to sleep.

~~

i'm woken up to a short but harsh knock on my door.

"come in" i say tiredly, "oh hey fin,"

"billie, the choice you made was wrong," he says calmly.

"what choice? what are you talking about?" i asked, genuinely confused, now sitting up in my bed.

"i don't know who you think you are, or what you think you are, but you aren't all that," he says, his voice a little harsher now.

"finneas what are yo-" i begin before being interrupted.

"tatum is going home tomorrow morning. i paid off her bail. i was in disbelief when i found out you denied to do so" he says. "unbelievable billie"

"finneas she isn't going to lear-"

"bullshit billie! she was fucking trying and was doing good and than you fucked it up! i know for a damn fact if the paparazzi never caught you guys in the act, you wouldn't have thought twice about paying that bail off billie. life doesn't fucking revolve around you, a concept you can't seem to grasp," fin was now yelling. he rarely yells.

i don't respond, i don't have any words to respond with.

"you need to start seeing things from perspectives that aren't just yours," he finishes before walking out of the room.

i feel sick to my stomach, not about a specific thing but rather everything happening to me right now. i feel like i'm going to throw up.

~~~~
a/n ~ hey?