Closer To You

33.

try: make an attempt or effort to do something.

-

Ever since I was 9 I always wondered what it felt like to have someone pick you up from school, or get mad when you got a boyfriend.

I wanted a dad, a true dad, and here I was 10 years later still trying to get a dad, lying awake and staring at the ceiling.

Jason's ceiling, a guy my dad should be getting mad about. I hated the word love, the spew of emotions that captivated people.

Sucked them into a hole they couldn't get out of. Maybe Jason did love me, maybe he was some asshole with no choice but to pretend he did.

I wouldn't get down on my knees and beg some stupid fucking guy to love me. I never would beg for something. Ever.

-

I hated staying up late at night, middle of the night in Jason's guest room was probably the worst. This room had too many memories, things I'd like to very much forget.

I wanted to walk to his room and talk for hours, but maybe he wasn't even awake right now.

I hate Jason.

No.

I just wish I did hate Jason.

I got up, walking out the room and towards his, keeping my footsteps quiet, I don't know why but just quiet.

Don't disrupt the silence Vienna.

Maybe I should turn back.

Is it bad to wake him?

Is he even awake?

Turn around.

No. Keep walking.

I think I'm going insane.

I leaned against the doorframe, the opening door pondering on my mind.

Maybe he was awake.

No, what person is awake in the middle of the night? Me, yeah.

"Jason...?"

No response, walk away.

"Vienna?" He yawned, leaning on his bed sideways.

"Hi."

We were never this awkward.

"Hello pretty." He grinned, patting the spot next to him.

"Hey." I returned, sitting down next to him.

"You're awake."

"I'm awake."

"Vee, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I questioned back, my mind wandering with thoughts.

"You look really tired."

"Cant tell if that's an insult Jay."

"It's not, you look beautiful." He smiled as he laid his head in my lap, looking up at me.

"You know, I want to be so mad at you, or scream and yell but I can't. You don't deserve it."

"Aurora-"

"Stop right there."

"Fine. Fine. Vienna, scream all you want, I do deserve it, no matter how much you'll feel bad or pretend like I haven't done anything wrong, I deserve it."

"You can't just accept that Jay. It's not your fault, it's never been your fault."

"Vee, it's okay, I've learned how to take it."

"Well stop learning! Forget how to take it because you shouldn't have to deal with that."

"Vienna, it's okay, scream at me, yell at me, do anything you want."

"You're antagonizing me, you asshole." I slightly laughed.

"I'll do that until I die." He smiled, grinning with his whole face.

I love his grin, his smile, everything. There's definitely something wrong with me.

"You suck."

I stared down at him as he looked up, his stupid grin plastered on his face.

His hand snakes around my neck, pulling himself up as his lips touched mine, his warmth transferring to me. His soft lips on mine.

I missed this feeling.

His mouth left mine, moving next to my ear as he whispered.

"You look so pretty in this moonlight." He grinned, kissing my cheek as he put his head back down.

He's so perfect.

I ran my hand through his hair, my head hitting the backboard as I slightly looked up. Reminiscing on fond memories.

"I've only ever had one boyfriend. I have 2 siblings and I moved here when I was 17." I whispered, my mouth moving before I could even stop it.

"I've had too many girlfriends to count, I had one sibling, I moved here when I was 19 and I don't know why I said that." He blurted back.

"I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry." I apologized, looking up at the ceiling, again.

"Don't apologize, I hate when you apologize and haven't done anything wrong."

"I hate when you pretend you've done something wrong too."

"Except I have Vee, I shouldn't have left you there, abandoned you."

"I get why you did it-"

"But you don't, you don't get why I left you there. I was wrong, just please accept it."

"We all make mistakes, you just happened to make too many." I looked down as his smile dropped.

Bad wording.

"I meant-"

"No, I deserve it." He said, grasping his hand in mine.

"No one deserves pain, especially you."

"Why's that, is it cause you think I'm hot?" He smirked, his thumb running circles on my palm.

"I'm serious Jason, you don't deserve to hurt just because you think you do. So please, for the sake of me, just accept that you don't deserve it. Is it so hard to believe that maybe you deserve more than that?"

"When I was 6 my sister died, she was 8. She had cancer. I was the last person she spoke to, I didn't necessarily understand what cancer did to someone until she died. She was my sister and, she was my best friend." He choked up, looking towards the door and away from me, his grin dropping as my hand caressed his face, wiping the tear from his eye.

"Jay..." I whispered, his eyes welling with tears.

"It's okay, it's just that's why I don't know how to love, that's just how I am, and i always blamed myself for her death. I knew I couldn't prevent it, but maybe, just maybe it somehow was just my fault."

"Jay, it's not your fault, it never will be, it never has been. I love you."

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a/ n: i despise this chapter but hello jason is no longer that bitchy!! see i might just take this down later anyways lol