"The moon is beautiful isn't it?"
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Love cut people short, and with her past catching up to her and a new guy she's bound to fall in love with, can she keep up with herself, and her past?
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rejection: the spurning of a person's affections.
tw: suicide mention, death, sexual assault -
The door closes behind me, the small click sound of the lock the only sound around as I sat down, my back hitting against the door, my position sitting on the floor.
My eyes well with water, tears spewing out, my hand wiping my nose, my mind trying to calm me down.
My breath started to hitch, the sound of his footsteps on the other side of the door.
God just please kill me.
"Vee." His voice was soft as he sat down on the other side of the door, everything about him made me smile, even when he was the reason I was crying.
I stayed silent, never responding to the name he called, maybe he didn't deserve to say that name, but it always felt like he could.
"I know I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. I never wanted that, I'll never want that." He whispered.
"You sure don't act like it." I blurted out.
"I know that." He slightly chuckled, his hand making small tapping sounds on the wooden floor.
"I'm sorry." I apologized, maybe I shouldn't have.
"Stop apologizing Vienna, you need to stop apologizing for things you haven't done wrong."
"I'm sorry for that."
"Vienna." He sounded sturn, maybe annoyed.
"Yeah."
"I don't wanna hurt you more than I already have."
"Then tell me, help me understand why you would hurt me Jason!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face as my hand hit the floor, the stinging pain bursting through it.
"You already know about my sister, but I guess I should tell you about the rest. I was 6 when my sister died, and 7 when my mother did."
He had a slight pause in his voice, maybe a small tear dripping down his face.
"She overdosed. One year, 3 days and 14 minutes after my sister. When Amelia died, my mom started taking drugs to numb the pain."
Another pause. Another tear.
"I had to learn how to figure out she was still breathing, when I was fucking 7. My dad was cheating on her, maybe the woman from his job was his own type of drugs."
"Jason-"
"One night, I couldn't find her, she was usually in the kitchen, doing heroin or whatever crack she found that day."
One more pause.
"I walked to the bathroom, scared to even open the door, she was on the ground, laying there. It was almost like a movie, finding your dead mother on the ground. I didn't know what to do, it's not like it was the first time this happened. Her 4th overdose actually killed her, yet on the phone my father seemed too busy to care."
"Jason." How do you respond to this?
"No one ever really loved me, except my sister, and it always felt like that love died with her. So I don't know how to love very well, I don't know how to love you, because my only recognition of love comes with pain, or death."
"You don't have to love me."
"I want to love you. I don't want to hurt you."
I unlocked the door, his arms wrapping around his knees, his face slightly wet with tears.
"Jay."
He quickly got up as I spoke, his hand wiping away his tears as he faked his stupid grin.
"Vee."
"Just know, I'd rather be hurt and loved than unloved and hurt."
-
The walls of my heart were closed, my smile shut, and my tears locked in. I wasn't prepared to be hurt, but forcing someone to love me would only result in me being hurt anyways.
I wanted to blame Sam for my being in this bar, except for once I had chosen to get drunk and forget everything about myself.
My mind wandered through my thoughts, trying to process whatever these past couple of days had been as I tried to figure myself out.
I downed shots and shots as guys approached me, my slurring words scaring them away. Maybe it was me that scared them away, maybe I was the reason guys never wanted to date again, all because of some weird girl in a bar.
It made me reflect, come to an understanding of my past, even if most of it was my fault. The abuse I suffered with Corey, the leaving of my dad, all the suicide attempts.
It may not have all been my fault, but it did feel like it.
I stopped thinking as I left my seat, my small streaks of tears streaming down my face as I guy's hands grabbed around my hips, pulling me closer to him.
I wanted to fight back, tell him to back off and leave me alone, but all I started to do was give up, let myself feel the pain and suffering.
I wanted a hero, someone to save me, but this wasn't the movies, this wasn't a time for my dream guy to help me escape the hands of this guy, this fucking crazy guy.
"Hey. You wanna get out of here?" He asked, his lips touching my neck as I shivered.
I didn't respond, but most guys take that as a yes, and so did he.
He walked me out of the bar, his hands staying attached at my hip as people watched us walk by, his grimy hands all over me.
Where is my hero?
Maybe this is all my fault.
My thoughts ate me up as I wouldn't kiss him back, and he dumped me on the side of a building, tears falling down my face.
This is all my fault.
I gave up.
I fucking gave up.
I wish those cuts would've cut deeper.
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a/n: very short chapter that genuinely means a lot. ive struggled with writing recently but i think this one meant a lot to me.
as it is suicide prevention month and it always should be, please reach out if you need help, i'm always here and always will be.
sexual assault is a very big matter and should not be handled lightly, if you need help or anything please reach out. you are worth it and you mean so much.
suicide prevention: 800-273-8255
sexual assault hotline- 800-656-4673
please call if you need help, or anything has happened, someone is always here for you.
