Winter Baron

Chapter Seven

Zemo woke slowly close to nine in the morning. His eyes blinked a few times, as he groaned softly, before seeing Bucky, head down on the bed beside him, sleeping. James... Zemo smiles softly seeing, Bucky had stayed with him after the trouble he'd caused. He thought about it, and immediately began to tear up. He began to cry softly, trying to keep it quiet, so as not to wake Bucky. Although, the softest of sounds woke the super soldier.
"Zemo." Bucky said softly, lifting his head. Zemo had covered his eyes with his hands.
"Hey, it's me." Bucky said, taking them gently. Zemo looked him in the eyes.
"I'm so sorry, James! I-I don't know why I've done this!"
"Because you're hurting." Bucky answered.
"I was acting like you were all better, and asking you on a date. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry for rushing you. I'm sure you feel conflicted about me, and life in general right now. Can we work on that?" Bucky asked.
"Yes. I don't want to die, I know you probably don't believe me, as this is the third time I've changed my mind."
"I believe you." Bucky smiled softly. He knew Zemo really wanted to die just as much as he wanted to live. This wasn't something that was going to go away overnight, Bucky knew that now. He could very much see now that Zemo was exactly the same, if not worse than when they parted ways at the memorial.
"As a condition of your pardon you have to see a therapist, remember?"
"Yes."
"I called the one who helped me. She's a bit tough, but she's great."
"Alright." Zemo sighed. Zemo may be easier for her toe deal with then I was. Bucky thought. He's much more calm, and collected...then again, I can see him getting under her skin with how cynical he is, and with that head tilt. Bucky sighed inwardly. I hope this works.
"I'll take you to your first visit with her once you're okay to move around."
"I'm sorry, James."
"You don't need to apologize anymore."
"I do. It makes me feel a little better. I made a mistake."
"Everyone does."
"I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry for myself as well."
"That makes sense. Are you feeling any pain?"
"Not badly. When can we go?"
"I've been told later this week. Like two more days. I'll be here with you the whole time."
"Thank you."
"Always." Bucky smiles, giving Zemo's hand a gentle squeeze.
~
The time went by faster than Zemo expected. Bucky stayed with him, only leaving to take care of Alpine just like before. Once again Bucky was checking Zemo out of a hospital.
"Let's get you back home." Bucky said, holding out his hand.
"Home..." Zemo repeated the word softly. He owned several properties around the world. But his true home, where he, and his family lived their lives together, was gone. Since Vienna, prison, and the raft had been his home.
"Yes." Bucky said, as Zemo slowly took his hand.
"This can be your home now, if you want." Bucky said, looking Zemo in the eyes. Zemo met his gaze, and held it for a moment.
"Please." Don't do anything stupid this time. Zemo thought to himself. Home...I can have one? With James?
"Yes." Zemo said more to himself.
"Yes, I want to go home." He held Bucky's hand with more of a purpose. Not squeezing, but he held it firmly.
"I want to go home with you. I don't want to hide anymore, and I don't want to be locked in a cell."
"You won't be. I promised." Bucky said, leading Zemo out to the car. Bucky opened the passenger door, once again letting Zemo in. Once he was seated, and buckled up, Bucky shut the door, and got into the driver seat. He started driving back to the apartment.
"James...this...is this real?"
"Yes, we've been over it multiple times. You've been pardoned just like me. Trust me, I've got you, always."
"James, I'm afraid." Zemo sighs.
"Of what?"
"Myself."
"Just remember, next time you start to feel like that, talk to me. I can help. I'm not out to get you, I want to help."
"I know."
"Don't follow that up with an apology. You don't owe me any more apologies." Bucky said before Zemo could even process the words 'I'm sorry.' With that Zemo wasn't sure what to say. Apologizing seemed to be all he did these days.
"We're going home, we're going to rest, relax, and play with Alpine. Tomorrow is your first visit with Doctor Raynor." Bucky reminds him.
"I'll be with you."
"Alright." Zemo nods. He was nervous. Its just going to be another interrogation. He thought. They made it back to the apartment. Bucky parked in his usual spot. This time Zemo let Bucky walk around, and open his door. He groaned as he stepped out of the car.
"You okay?" Bucky asked, taking Zemo's arm.
"I'm fine, you don't have to. I can walk."
"Alright." Bucky let go, but stayed close. They were immediately greeted by Mrs. Jones who had to have been watching. She was a bit of a nosy neighbor.
"Hello boys." She smiled sweetly. Zemo was a bit embarrassed. She doesn't know what happened, dose she?
"Hi, Mrs. Jones." A false smile crossed Bucky's face, as he honestly wasn't in the mood for her.
"How are you doing, dear? I heard you had an accident." She asked Zemo.
"Yes I did, I'm doing much better." Zemo said, faking a better smile than Bucky.
"That's good, if you need anything I'm just across the way." She beamed.
"Of course, thank you." Bucky said, a bit awkwardly, as he really just wanted to get Zemo inside. The old woman finally excused herself, and the two went in. Bucky locked the door, as they took their shoes off. Zemo immediately went to the hallway. He wanted to see if the floor was stained at all. It wasn't, however, if it had been, he'd have paid for it to be cleaned, or replaced.
"You alright?" Bucky asked, stepping beside him.
"Yes. I'm fine." At the sound of Zemo's voice Alpine jumped down from Bucky's bed, where she'd been sleeping most of the day. She walked up to him, and sniffed him, before rubbing her body along his legs.
"I missed you too." He laughs softly. Bucky smiled, he did enjoy Zemo's laugh. He certainly hoped to hear it more often. Zemo changed into his pajamas, while Bucky ordered pizza for dinner, and the two sat on the couch watching television until it arrived.
Once they'd finished Zemo went to bed. Alpine went with him. Bucky felt a twinge of jealousy over that, but he knew Alpine could help Zemo as well. She knows you're hurting too. Bucky thought as he'd gone into the room to check on Zemo, who was asleep at this point. Alpine looked up at him.
"Good girl." Bucky whispered, and went to his own room. He set his alarm, so they would get up for Zemo's appointment. Bucky then laid in bed for a while just worrying about Zemo, until he fell asleep.
~
Six in the morning, Bucky's alarm blared, He jolted up, and turned it off. Nightmare, or not he absolutely hated his sleep to be disturbed. He sighed, and stretched. Alpine came running into his room once she heard the alarm. She began to meow at him loudly.
"Yes it's time for breakfast, just hang on a minute." He said as he stood up, and stretched again. Bucky then walked over to Zemo's room. He was still sleeping soundly. I hate to wake him, but we've got to get ready. Bucky sighed to himself. Zemo just looked so peaceful for once.
"Zemo." Bucky's voice was soft, as he gently touched Zemo's shoulder. Zemo jolted, eyes flashed open with a gasp.
"It's me. I'm sorry, but it's time to get up." Bucky smiled softly, hoping Zemo wouldn't be angry.
"Oh, yeah...it's fine." He sighed. He really didn't want to get up, but he didn't have a choice. He stretched, and stood up. Alpine circled them, and rubbed against them, as they moved to the kitchen. Only once did she almost trip Bucky. Zemo smirked, and held in a laugh.
Bucky first fed Alpine a can of wet cat food. He set it on the kitchen floor for her. She purred while she ate. Then he started to make them breakfast. As usual Zemo thought he would try to help, only to be told to sit down at the table.
"I'm fine, James."
"Nope. Go sit down, I've got this." Bucky said, shooing Zemo away with his hand. Zemo sighed, and sat down as instructed. Soon enough Bucky brought him their usual. Pancakes, bacon, and eggs. He also made them coffee. The pair ate in silence. Bucky occasionally looked up at Zemo, wondering if he should say anything. Finally he did.
"Raynor is nice. She's blunt, but nice." Bucky smiled awkwardly. There was no reply.
"Are the pancakes okay?" Bucky asked, again he got no response. Bucky put his fork down with a clank that sounded annoyed.
"If this is how you're going to act, then you're off to a bad start." Bucky sighs.
"I'm tired." Zemo spoke finally.
"So?"
"I don't feel like talking."
"Well you better get in the mood, or Raynor is going to have a full notebook by the end of the day." Bucky sighs, again.
"Full notebook?"
"Yeah, she does this thing. When you don't talk, or answer, she writes it down in a notebook."
"I see." Zemo said, finishing his food. Without another word Zemo stood up, and went back to his room. Bucky shook his head. He got up, and washed the dishes.
"Go ahead, and take a shower! If you need any help with your bandages, or anything just call for me!" Bucky called out. Zemo heard him, but didn't answer. He didn't want to yell. He grabbed some of his new clothes. The light blue button up, and khaki pants. Zemo brought the clothes with him to the bathroom, and closed the door behind him.
Bucky finished with the dishes, when he heard the shower start. He went to his room to pick out his own outfit for the day. Typical black shirt, and pants.
"James!" Bucky stopped what he was doing upon hearing his name. He stepped out into the hall in front of the bathroom door.
"You okay?"
"I forgot a towel." Zemo sighs.
"I'll get you one." Bucky said, grabbing a towel from the top of his closet. I forgot to tell him where the towels are. Bucky sighed to himself. He returned to the bathroom, and stepped in. The fan was on, however, it didn't seem to make a difference, as the room was filled with steam.
"Geez, how hot do you need it?" Bucky asked.
"Don't worry, James I'll leave some hot water for you." Zemo's sarcastic voice came from behind the curtain.
"Thank you." Bucky laughed, and set the towel down on the toilet seat.
"Well, here's your towel. I'll be in my room if you need anything else." Bucky said, just about to leave the room.
"James, wait!" Zemo's voice sounded almost afraid that Bucky would leave.
"What's wrong?"
"Just...don't go...please."
"Okay..." Bucky felt awkward, and as though he were intruding.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure." Zemo said a bit more snappy this time.
"Alright, I just don't want you to be uncomfortable." Bucky said, in his defense.
"Apologies, I didn't mean to sound that way."
"It's fine." Bucky said, taking a seat on the toilet lid. He held the towel on his lap.
"You alright?"
"Y-yes, I just feel safer this way." Zemo said sheepishly. Safer? Bucky thought, unsure if he should ask. He wanted Zemo to feel like he could talk about anything, however, Bucky didn't want to rush him, and for another accident to happen.
"Thank you, James." Zemo interrupted Bucky's thoughts.
"It's all good. Don't be afraid to ask me for anything, or to tell me anything." Bucky said, trying to drop the hint.
"Of course." Zemo said, a little more monotonous. The room became quiet aside from the shower. Bucky really wasn't into the steam, and how hot the room had become. He stared at the curtains, and began to wonder what was going on behind them. He'd seen a bit of the baron's chest in Riga when he was wearing his robe, as well as in the pajamas Bucky bought him.
Bucky realized quickly that he was blushing at the thoughts in his head. If Zemo were to notice and ask, Bucky would simply blame it on the heat. He kept trying to picture Zemo in his mind, but stopped himself once he realized he was going to have an embarrassing problem if he kept it up. Finally the water stopped, and Zemo's outstretched arm appeared from behind the curtain.
"Oh, h-here." Bucky handed Zemo the towel, and his arm disappeared back behind the curtain. Leaving Bucky slightly disappointed.
"You can go now." Zemo dismissed him. Bucky shook his head. I'm not your butler. He thought as he got up, and left the room. Finally, Zemo came out of the bathroom. He was dressed, and his hair was combed neatly.
"What do you think?" He asked, stepping into Bucky's room.
"Very nice. I think I like purples, and pinks on you more, but the blue is nice too." Bucky smiles softly. Zemo smiled sheepishly, and returned to his room. Bucky gathered his clothes, and stepped into the bathroom to shower. The room was still steamy. He turned on the shower, and felt the water with his right hand.
"Geez!" It was hot. Bucky turned the temperature down a bit.
"How can anyone shower in that?" Bucky asked himself out loud. Once he was ready, and satisfied with the temperature, Bucky undressed, and climbed in. About halfway through his shower the door opened.
"Hey!" Bucky gasped. He wasn't expecting Zemo to barge in.
"Apologies."
"It's alright. Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Did you need something? Did something happen?"
"No."
"Well...Why are you in here?"
"I thought you might need some help."
"With what?"
"Your arm, it's waterproof, yes?" Zemo asked.
"Yes." Bucky laughs softly.
"Oh, sorry. I'm not sure what I was thinking."
"It's alright. I appreciate the thought, but I'm fine. I've been on my own for a while now. I don't need to remove it, or put a bag over it, or anything like that. If I need help I'll call you. Like you should if you need help. With anything."
"Thank you." Zemo smiles softly listening to the sound of water bouncing off the vibranium. He apologized once more, before taking his leave. Bucky laughed quietly to himself. You didn't need to apologize. You meant well. Bucky thought. I'll thank him for that later.
~
Bucky never expected to be back in Raynor's office again. Three plain walls, then the back wall with its forest wallpaper. He sat down on the sofa beside Zemo, but not too close. He didn't want to crowd. Zemo sat similar to the way he had when Bucky saw him in his cell. Hands folded neatly between his knees, head lowered, eyes fixed on the floor.
"Good morning, James." She said as she entered the room.
"Good to see you." She smiled.
"Yeah, it's been a while." Bucky couldn't help, but grin. Then she turned her attention to Zemo.
"I take it this is Baron Zemo?" She asked. Zemo lifted his head upon hearing his name.
"Yes." Bucky gave him a soft nudge with his knee.
"Hello." Zemo offered a fake smile.
"It's nice to finally meet you." Raynor said, reaching out to him. He hesitated for a moment, before taking her hand.
"Good to make your acquaintance." Zemo smirked as they shook hands. She scoffed.
"We may end up friends by your final session. James certainly did." She sat down across from them.
"It's true." Bucky smiled at Zemo, who only gave him a blank stare. Bucky's smile faded, and he returned his attention to Raynor.
"He didn't like me at first either, so smart remarks don't affect me, Baron. Keep that in mind." She said immediately, opening her notebook, and scribbling something down. This is going great. Bucky's Sarcastic thoughts caused him to sigh.
"Is this the notebook thing?" Zemo asked Bucky, that smirk still lingering on his face. Raynor smirked, herself.
"I see you're just as sarcastic as James." She continued to jot down in her notes. Oh geez! Bucky put his hands up over his face. This ks actually embarrassing! Bucky was ready to disappear.
"Apologies." Zemo shrugged. He wasn't sorry in the slightest. He knew he had to do this, but certainly had no desire. There was no one on this good green earth who could help him. Giving her trouble simply for the reactions it got from the both of them was his only source of joy at the moment.
"Don't apologize unless you mean it." Raynor said, still writing away. Zemo simply stopped speaking then.
"That doesn't mean to go mute." She sighs.
"You've not asked me a single question, so why should I speak?" Zemo answered. Bucky still had his face in his palms.
"I see, you're going to be a tough one like James was. Some patients come in, and spill their guts to me unprompted. James had required some coaxing. This isn't an interview, but if asking questions is the only way to get anything out of you, so be it." She said, jotting it all down.
"So we'll start with the obvious." She put the pen down, but had it ready to write. Zemo tilted his head.
"Obvious?"
"You tried to end your life recently, correct?" Raynor asked. Bucky lowered his hands now, curious of what Zemo would do, or say.
"I did..."
"Can you tell me why?"
"So you can write it in your notebook?" Zemo smirked again. Bucky's face went right back into his hands, and raynors pen went right back onto the notebook. Zemo laughed.
"I guessed correctly."
"Yes, I'm writing because you're refusing to speak." She said, looking at the clock.
"James did tell me this wasn't the first time, is that true?"
"Y-yes..." Zemo stuttered that time. Why did he tell her that? He looked at Bucky a bit suspiciously.
"May I see?" Raynor asked. Still stunned, Zemo showed her his wrists. Raynor took a note of the scars.
"When was this done?"
"Years ago..."
"After you were incarcerated?"
"Yes..."
"You did this in Germany then?"
"Yes..." Zemo became quiet, but not in a mocking, or stubborn way. This silence was out of pain.
"You've certainly told James far more than I could have expected." She said, glancing at Bucky. Zemo didn't respond. She wrote a few more things down.
"Why don't you talk to James instead." Raynor suggests.
"What?" Bucky looks up at her. I'm not the therapist! I'm not one bit certified for this! He thought, feeling nervous. How could he possibly help?
"James might know where I'm going with this." She said, putting the pen down again. She doesn't mean...
"Turn, and face each other." Raynor instructed. Of course she dose. Bucky sighed inwardly. Reluctantly the two turned their bodies to face one another.
"Here we go." Bucky sighs quietly. Zemo immediately tilts his head, similarly to the way he's done it in Riga. That tilt that made him look as though he were daring you to do something.
"Very good." Raynor said.
"James, ask Zemo a question."
"What question?"
"Anything you want."
"Okay. Why are you acting like a child?" Bucky asked Zemo.
"Unrelated." Zemo shakes his head.
"Actually it's not. You're not listening, or taking this seriously." Bucky frowns. Zemo looks down at the floor, and ignores him.
"Doc this isn't going to work." Bucky looked over at Raynor.
"Not with these attitudes." Raynor said, not even bothering to look up from the notebook she was once again writing in.
"Attitudes?" Bucky sounded appalled.
"Yes, James. I have to agree with Zemo that question isn't going to get you, or anyone anywhere."
"Thank you." Zemo looks over, and smirks.
"James, is right however, you are behaving childishly." Raynor looked at him, with a raised eyebrow. The smirk disappeared from Zemo's face. Zemo looked back at Bucky.
"Okay, I won't ask a question." Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, getting another head tilt from Zemo.
"I'll make a statement. You act like an arrogant child, because you're scared. You literally told me that you are scared, so before you even try to deny it, just be quiet." At this point Bucky was angry, and both Zemo, and Raynor could see it.
"I told you to actually try before we left, and I thought maybe you would. In fact I thought you'd do better than I did, because you're so scared. Guess that was wishful thinking. If you don't drop this silly 'nothing is wrong I'm just an asshole' act then you might as well go back to prison!" Bucky shouted.
"Wow." Raynor couldn't stop the word from coming out of her mouth. She didn't sound angry, only a bit surprised. Zemo kept his eyes fixed on the floor, head lowered. Bucky looked at Raynor a bit embarrassed. She raised her eyebrows, and gestured to him to keep going.
"So I guess you're not that scared, huh?" Bucky finished up his rant with a softer tone.
"I am..." Zemo spoke so quietly, Bucky could hardly hear him.
"What?"
"I am scared!"
"Of what?"
"Like you said I told you, I'm scared of prison, and I'm scared of myself!"
"Why are you scared of yourself?"
"That should be obvious, James!" There was a large hit of attitude in Zemo's voice. Especially when he said Bucky's name.
"Don't get all snappy. I'm just trying to help." Bucky honestly hated pushing him like this, but he wasn't being left with much of a choice.
"Be-because of what I did...to myself, twice. I can't trust myself."
"You said you didn't want to die?"
"I don't, but I do."
"Tell me about it. I've told you, you can."
"I know..."
"Then why don't you?"
"I'm not sure." Why don't I? James said multiple times already that he wants to help, and that I can talk to him. I don't understand. He won't like me if I do...No. He understands, I need to give him the credit he deserves. He understands, I owe hims that much, for what I did...everything I did. His eyes began to water. Bucky recognized the look by this point. He's going to cry. Bucky thought, immediately taking Zemo's hand. He was right. The tears started falling.
"Zemo?"
"I know why...I'm afraid of what you'll think, and I don't deserve your help, or any of these things. The pardon. None of it."
"You do though! I told you. I forgave you a long time ago for that stuff with Siberia. I forgive you for whatever you think you've done wrong, but you haven't done anything wrong since you've been here. I mean you scared the hell out of me a few times, but it's okay. You're alive, and that makes me happy at least."
"Oh." Zemo wipes his eyes with his palm. Oh. That's all? Oh. Bucky sighs softly.
"What makes you want to die?" Bucky asked. He was sure he knew the answer. He glanced at Raynor for a moment, he needed to know he was doing this right. She gave him a reassuring nod.
"I miss my family. That's the short answer."
"The long one is?"
"I want to see them again. I'm tired of being sad. I didn't keep my promise to them...I failed them, and didn't protect them, and I should have perished with them. With sokovia."
"I'm sorry, I could never know how that feels. I take it that's why you wanted me to shoot you at the memorial?"
"Yes. I shouldn't have expected, or asked that of you."
"You didn't ask though. I mean you did make it obvious with your body language. I felt bad after I did that. I thought you wouldn't want to die because of your hate for super soldiers, so making you think I might shoot you would scare you. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I honestly thought you would, and hoped that you would, so when you didn't I thought it was some sort of sick joke. Then that night I told myself it was because you wanted me to suffer."
"No, I would never. I'm sorry, I really am."
"It's okay. I know better now. You're not a killing machine." Zemo managed a soft smile.
"Thank you." Bucky returned the smile.
"You remember, I asked you if your family would want this for you? For you to feel like this for the rest of your life?"
"Yes."
"I'm asking again." Bucky said, getting a head shake in response.
"No?"
"No."
"That's because they loved you." Bucky gives Zemo's hand a gentle squeeze.
"You love them too right?"
"Yes."
"So are you going to keep living in the past, or do you want to move on?"
"How?" Zemo asked once again.
"Like this. You talk to me. I will always listen, and try my best to help. You're always going to miss them, and sokovia, Nothing can change that. I still miss the forties, but I can't go back. Like Steve did. My life is here now, so I'm going to live it. Won't you live yours? Your family is always going to be with you. You have them in your heart, and can tell me stories about them." Bucky smiled, and Zemo hugged him. Here we go again with the hugging. Bucky laughs softly. Not that I'm complaining, they're just tight hugs, but really great hugs. What am I thinking? Stay focused! Bucky hugs him back softly, and pats Zemo's upper back between his shoulders.
Raynor looked at the clock. Bucky looked at her, as she tapped her wrist to tell him the session was almost over.
"So will you live your life?"
"Yes." Zemo still hadn't let go.
"See that's one less thing to be scared of." Bucky said quietly. Is it? Zemo still wasn't entirely sure, and yet he planned to lean on Bucky now anytime he was sad, which he knew would happen. Sadness is normal to feel.
"Thank you, James."
"Anytime. Yeah?" Bucky asked, looking Zemo in the eyes, as he sat up.
"Yes." Zemo rubbed his eyes dry once again. Bucky resisted the urge to pat Zemo's head.
"Very good." Raynor spoke finally. I knew that would work better. She thought proudly.
"That's the end of your first session. The first one is often interesting. You two are free to go, I'll see you both next week." She smiled sweetly. Bucky thanked her before they left. Zemo wasn't quite sure what to say. James did all the work. He thought as they stepped out of her office. He wasn't quite sure if he liked her, or not yet.
"Are you ready to have some fun?" Bucky said as they got into the car.
"Fun?"
"Yep. It's almost lunch time. We're going to meet Sam, Sarah, and the boys for lunch. Then we're going to the museum of natural history."