Winter Baron

Chapter Nineteen

"Of course you can talk to me, Zemo." Bucky smiled softly, and took Zemo's hands in his. He was careful to avoid the bandage around Zemo's forearm.
"You can tell me anything. Anything at all. I promise." He thought about the scars Zemo had shown him, and how he'd talked a bit more about it with Sarah. He wanted to be there for Zemo in every way he could. He wanted Zemo to know that he could trust Bucky. That the Baron could confide in him, and that he wouldn't judge.
The door was closed, and they were alone. Completely alone. It was quiet. Both of them sat in silence.
"James." Zemo eventually found his voice again.
"I'm here." Bucky smiled sadly. Zemo was quiet again. Bucky's face grew ever sadder.
"Don't..."
"What?" Bucky's face shifted to confusion.
"Look at me like that..." Zemo said, looking down.
"Like what?"
"Like that. Sad, and pitiful." Zemo replied. Bucky kept quiet. It was clear to him he needed to let Zemo lead.
"I'm sorry." Zemo sighed.
"It's okay."
"I can't... I can't even look at you." Zemo closed his eyes. Bucky was sure he'd cry soon. He could see Zemo was fighting it even now.
"Why not?" Bucky asked. Zemo simply shook his head. Bucky gave Zemo's hand a gentle squeeze.
"Zemo. I love you, and I need you to look at me. Please." Bucky lowered his head, he began to worry Zemo was angry with him. He couldn't stop any of it. Zemo could hear the guilt in Bucky's voice. He looked up at him.
"James..." he squeaked. Bucky lifted his head. He was fighting back tears with everything he had.
"Thank you." Bucky smiled. It was a happy smile. A grateful one. Zemo managed a smile before he started to cry.
"May I?" Bucky asked, opening his arms. Zemo fell into Bucky's chest, and Bucky wrapped his arms around the Baron. Immediately Zemo felt safer.
"Zemo, remember when I went to change your bandages that time, and you got scared, and the nightmare?" Bucky spoke gently.
"Remember the scars you showed me, and the talk you had with Sarah? Tell me what happened Zemo. I just want to help."
"I'm scared." Zemo answered quietly.
"You told me you were embarrassed about the dream. Is that how you feel now?" Bucky asked.
"Yes."
"You don't need to. You didn't do anything wrong, or to warrant that." Bucky tried to reassure him.
"I know, but I still feel that way." Zemo sat up, and Bucky let him go.
"Can you tell me why?"
"I'm a man..." Zemo said before a wave of tears fell.
"So." Bucky replied.
"That doesn't mean anything. It can happen to anyone."
"I know, but I feel disgusting."
"Has this happened before? Sarah mentioned to me after your talk with her, that she suspected it had." Bucky fished for more information. Zemo shook his head.
"Almost, but not like this..." he answered. Bucky felt a surge of anger, and hate for hydra, and its newest leader flowing through him. He felt the same for anyone who'd tried to hurt Zemo.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly.
"N-not yet." Zemo answered.
"I don't know... I want to, but I'm afraid."
"Why, I won't hurt you, or judge you. I love you."
"Thank you James." Zemo began to feel more comfortable.
"It's just... Difficult to discuss."
"I know." Bucky nodded.
"Trust me I know."
"Of course you do." Zemo sighed. He felt so silly now. If anyone understood it was Bucky.
"I was sent to the facility in Germany. All I wanted was to die. I wanted to be with my family. I gave another inmate my socks in exchange for a razor blade." He said, holding up his wrists.
"Your socks?"
"Yes James. They don't just supply you with things. You don't get endless socks." He sighed.
"So that's why you were just wearing your little slippers."
"What?"
"When I spoke to you. You had on those little slip on shoes, and your ankles were showing... It was cute." Bucky blushed softly.
"Thank you, James." Zemo managed a soft giggle.
"That is why I had no socks. I didn't think anyone would notice."
"Sorry." Bucky felt a bit silly now for what he'd said.
"Don't be. It was cute." Zemo replied.
"Thanks." Bucky blushed.
"So you made this trade, and you hurt yourself?"
"Yes." Zemo nodded, his smile faded.
"I was trying to die."
"We talked about it, you were not being a coward. You were hurting."
"I was, I wanted to be with my Heike, and my son again. I was not trying to escape prison, or spare myself anything, but my longing for them." Zemo nodded.
"That's right." Bucky agreed. He was happy to hear Zemo accepting that.
"They found me in time, and took me to the hospital. I lived, and was returned to my cell, and continued on... the others there. They were crazy. Most of them are sexual predators, or offenders, murders, and child abusers. I was the only one there to have committed terrorist acts." He looked down shamefully.
"They hated me, the guards too. I didn't care."
"Nor should you." Bucky nodded.
"No, but it did draw attention to me. The things I did, and the way I act."
"Wealthy?" Bucky asked.
"Exactly." Zemo nodded.
"Stuck up, snotty, prissy. All of those things I've been called my entire life. Even as a boy in school other children would call me such names. My mother taught me to be giving, and kind to those born into less fortunate circumstances. It is no fault of our own if we are born into wealth, or poverty, but those of us born into wealth should use that to help those who were not."
"Sounds like my mom, only we were poor." Bucky chuckled.
"Your mother sounds kind." Zemo smiled at the sound of Bucky's laugh.
"So does yours."
"She was. My father, not so much." He frowned again.
Bucky's face was saddened.
"Really?" He asked. Zemo nodded.
"He was not very fatherly. He only cared about EKO Scorpion, and the secret business of which I was unaware of until I became of age."
"Hunting Hydra?"
"Yes. Of course I always wanted to impress him, and make him proud, so I join the sokovian armed forces, I make the same rank as him, and lead EKO Scorpion like
Him. I hunt Hydra like him." Zemo scoffed.
"He was proud... I think... he would be ashamed of me now..." Zemo squeezed his eyes shut, and his shoulders tensed up. It was at that moment he recalled something. Zemo looked up at Bucky quickly. Wide teary eyes studied Bucky.
"Zemo?" Bucky's expression held concern.
"Nothing." Zemo shook his head.
"Zemo, please-"
"It is unrelated, we can discuss it another time."
"If your father was ashamed of you for Something that wasn't your fault, and Something you had no control over then!" Bucky's voice raised, and he had to stop himself there before he said something disrespectful. He didn't want to hurt Zemo by speaking ill of his father. Zemo was relieved Bucky circled back to what Zemo had said a moment ago. Now he wouldn't have to.
"Thank you James. I can't say for certain what my father would think, but... I..." he sighed.
"In Germany the others would try to start fights with me. They knew who I was, and my reputation. I had no interest in fighting, in fact if one of them killed me, I did not care." He shrugged.
"It was when the names began to change that I became uncomfortable. They went from priss to princess. Pretty boy... sexual things, whistles, and noises, derogatory things. Hand signals.
  It would be a lie to say I wasn't scared... Then you came with that brilliant plan to get me out. I never said anything to you, but I was so happy when I saw you again. I know I tried to say the words, and put up a front; but truthfully, I felt relieved. I thought I would help you, and get out of there; and then you could kill me, but not hurt me." Zemo explained. Bucky nodded. He understood it all.
"I felt safer with you, and Sam. I knew neither of you would do anything like that."
"Never." Bucky nodded.
"I will never hurt you, or let anyone hurt you again." Bucky took Zemo's hand in his. Zemo smiles wearily.
"On the raft it was the same. I was scared again. Alone. Longing for death. Soon the inmates learned my name, who I was, and what I did.
I was cornered in the locker room. We were going to be escorted from there back to our cells. A man. He was like a super soldier, but it was botched. Not like Doctor Banner, not like the red skull.
His body was large, and muscular, but his arms hung down much longer than they should like an ape. He said he had attempted to replicate the hulk, and failed. I decided to speak. I said that is why super soldiers cannot exist." He sighed. Bucky lowered his head, he knew where the story was headed next.
"His comrades pinned me down. At first I assumed he was planning to beat me, or that they would simply kill me, and I was ready." Zemo shrugged. Bucky's heart was aching as he listened.
"The man had fashioned himself a knife with a razor blade he's been given to shave with, and utensils from the cafeteria. He gave a stupid speech, insulted me, and tore my pants. That was when I felt afraid. Why would he do that if he wanted to kill me?" Zemo looked at Bucky.
"Then I thought. I don't know how long they have been here. I don't know how long they have gone without... being with someone... you know."
"Yeah." Bucky nodded.
"He talked about my family, and gave another speech about ending my bloodline more permanently."
"Jesus." Bucky covered his mouth with his hands. Zemo nodded.
"I don't plan on having children again anyway, but he tried to castrate me... I started struggling. I wanted to die, but that frightened me. I kicked, and I screamed. I was struggling so hard, that's why he cut me so badly.
  The guards came. I was safe, but I didn't know for how long. They threatened me. They threatened to...." He stopped.
"I understand." Bucky nodded.
"You don't have to say the rest."
"You see I wasn't, until now."
"I'm sorry." Bucky bit his lower lip. He was trying not to cry, but it was impossible.
"I'm sorry I let that happen to you."
"James?" Zemo looked at him with surprise.
"I should have done something, anything! I'm so, so sorry I couldn't protect you."
"It's not your job to protect me, James." Zemo shook his head.
"Yes it is. I want to, and I promised Heike!" He cried.
"What?" Zemo's brow furrowed.
"I had a dream, and she asked me to save you, and I failed."
"James." Zemo was the one to take Bucky's hands this time.
"Why didn't you tell me this?"
"I didn't know how to tell you I was dreaming of your wife." Bucky sighed. Zemo laughed softly. Bucky looked at him, brow furrowed with concern.
"Zemo?"
"It's alright James. I'm glad Heike visited you, and you have not failed. If I have not failed her, and Carl, then neither have you." Zemo smiled. Bucky nodded. Zemo reached out, and dried his tears.
"It's not your fault, James."
"It's not yours either, Zemo. You didn't deserve that." Bucky spoke firmly. While Zemo slept Bucky talked to Sam, and Sarah via facetime, and text. Sarah had told him more about her time at the Trauma center. She told how many rape victims blamed themselves, and he already know how Zemo was with his family. He wanted to be prepared for anything Zemo might be thinking. Zemo grew quiet again.
"Zemo? Whatcha thinkin?" Bucky asked.
"My shoulder. It doesn't hurt. Not much anymore." He replied.
"That's good." Bucky smiled.
"My collar, and ribs weren't broken then?" He recalled what Curt had said.
"Just bruised. Had he been any closer to you, that shot would have gone completely through, and probably caused much more damage."
"I'm getting tired of all our dates being in a hospital." Zemo joked lightly.
"Me too." Bucky laughed.
"James... is it possible for me to stand?"
"Yeah, I can help you up. Do you have to go?"
"Yes, and I'd like to shower."
"There isn't one." Bucky hated to be the bearer of bad news.
"Then I'll be right back." Zemo sighed. Bucky nodded, and helped Zemo up. Zemo excused himself and went into the connected bathroom. Bucky sat back down in his chair, and waited. In the other room Zemo looked at himself in the mirror. The black eye was almost healed.
  It was a light yellow now. His lip was scabbed, as well as the cut to his cheek, and forehead. He looked at the bandage on his arm, and shoulder. He certainly looked better than he'd expected. He wanted to check other parts of his body, but he wasn't able to at this time. He wanted to shower. To clean himself.
He turned away from his reflection. He didn't want to see it any longer. Once he was finished in the bathroom he returned to the bed. Bucky stood up, and helped Zemo climb back in.
"You okay?" Bucky asked.
"Yes it's just that it was hard to look at you, but Sam he saw.. He saw it all, how can I look him in the eyes?"
"Zemo. Sam knows that was not your fault. When I was blaming myself he blamed himself as well. He was just as upset he couldn't stop it as I was."
"He doesn't think I am weak?"
"Of course not, and neither do I. You're the strongest person I know, Zemo."
"He doesn't think... he..." Zemo began to shake his head.
"Zemo, neither of us see you any differently than we did weeks ago."
"Weeks?" Zemo has no idea how long he's been in the hospital.
"You were really hurt, your body needed to rest, and heal." Bucky explained.
"I'm still nervous. I want to see the boys though..."
"Zemo. Trust me. Sam understands."
"I know, but..."
"But what?"
"I am humiliated James!" Zemo raised his voice.
"My pride, my heart, everything!"
"I know." Bucky lowered his head.
"I'm sorry, Zem." He knew this would be the hardest part of the recovery, but he also knew seeing Sam would help. Secretly Bucky texted them. He knew seeing Cass would help immensely.
                                           ~
Sarah, and the boys piled into the car. Sam got into the driver seat.
"Now remember, don't be too loud, don't jump on him." Sarah went over her rules with them.
"Don't crowd him."
"Sarah, they've got it." Sam sighed.
"I know I just don't want him to be uncomfortable."
"He'll be fine, once he sees the boys he will be fine." Sam backed the car out of the driveway, and started for the hospital. Once they arrived, the crew got out of the car, and stepped into the hospital's lobby. They signed in, and received visitors' passes. The woman at the nurse's station told them the room number, and they made their way to the elevators. Once in the elevators.
Cass pushed the button. It was a really important job, so he was sure to be the one to do it. The elevator started going up, and Sarah once again went over what not to do with the boys. The doors opened. The boys stepped out first. They looked down the long halls.
"It smells so clean in here." A.J commented as Sarah, and Sam stepped out into the hall.
"Like Mrs. Maria." Cass said in reference to the math teacher. Sam chuckled.
"This way boys." Sarah said, leading the boys down the hall. They stopped in front of the door quietly. Sam texted Bucky.
                                          ~
Bucky's phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled out, and read Sam's text. Without a word he stood up.
"James?" Zemo watched him step over to the door. Where is he going? He watched Bucky open the door. The boys waved, and Sarah smiled. Zemo's face lit up when he saw the boys.
"A.J, Cass, you're here?"
"Of course we are." A.J smiled. Cass ignored his mothers rules, and ran over to Zemo, and threw his arms around the baron. Sam, Bucky, and Sarah worried this would surprise, or scare Zemo, but he hugged Cass back.
"I'm so happy you aren't hurt." Zemo said as he gently squeezed Cass. They let go of each other, and Zemo inspected Cass's neck.
"I bet that had left a bruise."
"It did, but it's almost gone now."
"Mine too." Zemo smiled, and pointed to his face. Cass giggled, and the room's energy relaxed. Sarah sat down beside Bucky.
"How are you feeling?" She asked gently.
"I don't feel much pain." He smiled softly.
"I was surprised to learn how much time has passed." He admitted.
"You didn't miss much." Sam smiled. Zemo glanced up at him. They're eyes lock, and Zemo immediately recalled the look of terror on Sam's face. The sorrow in his eyes. Zemo's eyes immediately darted downward. Of course no one thought anything of it. Sam was doing the exact opposite of what Bucky had. He was acting as if it hadn't even happened. He was hoping by treating it that way, and acting the same as he always did, it would
Help.
"We were really worried about you." Cass hummed.
"You saved us, so we wanted to save you too, but we're little, so Uncle Sam, and Bucky went to find you. I'm happy they found you."
"Me too." Zemo smiled, and looked at Bucky.
"They're probably going to let you leave soon." Sam chimed in.
"I think so too." Bucky nodded.
"Would you like to go home soon?" He asked Zemo. Zemo nodded.
"Yes I would. I miss Alpine."
"Me too." Bucky laughed.
"And I'm sure she misses us."
"I can't wait to see Alpine!" A.J grinned.
"Don't worry we'll go visit again soon." Sarah assured her boys.
"I look forward to it." Zemo smiled. Bucky nodded.
"Yeah, just let us know." He normally didn't have any plans. The Wilson's stayed a bit longer, before heading out for the day. Bucky had already been talking with the doctor about Zemo's discharge.
"Tomorrow we're going home?" Zemo asked with some relief.
"That's right, we'll go to Sarah's, grab our bags, and head to the Airport."
"Can I shower at Sarah's before we go?"
"Of course, anything you need to do." Bucky nodded.
                                         ~
The following morning Zemo was discharged from the hospital. He changed into the clothes Bucky had prepared for him. His coat had been sent to dry cleaning. Once Zemo was ready, Bucky led him out to the parking lot where Sam was waiting with the car. Bucky opened the back door for Zemo, and he climbed in.
Once he was in, and secured, Bucky closed the door, and got into the seat. Sam, and Bucky talked about nothing in particular as they drove off. Once they arrived at the house Bucky, and Sam got out of the car. Bucky, of course, opened Zemo's door.
"He's such a gentleman." Sam grinned.
"Old school." He couldn't help, but tease his friend.
"Shut up." Bucky blushed, and chuckled.
"Thank you, James." Zemo smiles as he steps out. They went to the house. Zemo noted that the carpets, and floors had been cleaned of any blood. He followed Bucky to the guest room. His clothes were packed neatly.
"Thank you." He noted his coat was also laid out on the bed, and ready to go. His mask sat on top of it.
"My coat!" He inspected it. It's stitched. No blood! It's as if it never... No it happened, but my coat is as good as new at least... Will I ever be? His smile faltered for a
Moment, but he managed to keep it for the others.
"How did this happen?"
"We had it dry cleaned." Sam smiled.
"I stitched it. Don't tell anyone, but I am great with a sewing machine." Sarah grinned proudly.
"It's beautiful." Zemo smiles at her.
"Thank you all so much." He picked up the mask.
"I found it!" Cass beamed.
"Oh thank you, this is important to me." Zemo nodded to him.
"It's your superhero mask, like Uncle Sam's goggles!" Cass exclaimed.
"It also looks like a burglar's mask." A.J pointed out. Zemo laughed.
"It does look that way. I have to say A.J is more accurate." Zemo looked at it sadly.
"It was my fathers."
"Was he a superhero too?" Cass asked. Zemo shook his head.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not a super anything." Zemo replied sadly. Sam, and Sarah's expressions changed to concern.
"I'm not a hero..."
"Yes you are! You're our hero, you saved us." A.J replied.
"I did, but... I don't know." He shrugged.
"I am a villain..."
"How about we finish our homework." Sarah hummed, and herded the boys out of the room. A few groans were exchanged, but they listened to their mother. Sam watched them go before looking at Zemo.
"You protected my family when I wasn't here. That counts for something." He said before stepping out, and gently closing the door. Zemo sat down on the bed.
"He's right." Bucky replied.
"I thought of myself as a villain too, but if I kept that up, it would destroy me. I'm not a villain. You did something, a horrible thing, and you can't take it back. You can't undo it, but that doesn't mean you can move on from it, and become better." He said hoping to encourage Zemo. The Baron didn't answer.
"You don't have to think of yourself as a villain, or a hero. I'm neither. I've done bad things, weather, or not I wanted, or chose too, but I think I've done some good things too." Bucky shrugged.
"I know two rights don't erase a wrong, but to those boys, you're a hero. That won't change. Protecting them, and Sarah, at the risk of your own life, and everything that happened, was heroic, it was good, you did a good thing. It's a start down a better path, yeah?" Bucky smiled sympathetically. Can't believe I'm quoting Raynor. He thought to himself. But she's right, and she's a great doctor.
"Can I shower now?" Zemo responded finally. Bucky sighed.
"Yes." Stubborn as ever. He opened the door, and Zemo stepped past him. Bucky finished packing while Zemo went into the bedroom. He closed, and locked the door. Undressed, and inspected himself in the mirror. He looked normal.
It doesn't look at all how it feels... He started the shower, and stepped in. He kept the water hot, and the room steamed up, the mirror fogged. Slowly he hugged himself, lip trembling, eyes tearing, he slowly sank into crouch, and cried.