A court of shadow and spying (Azriel X OC)

a home

'I think I should tell you what happened, or rather how it happened.'

It was late in the evening and after Feyre and Mor had decided to stay here with me, at least for the night, I had decided to pour my heart out to someone and tell them the story that had happened. Feyre and Mor had enlightened me that Azriel was back home, however no one wanted to approach him, he was still beside himself, but I also knew that he wanted to see me and was asking for me. I felt him reaching out to our connection from time to time to see how I was doing and I always sent him soothing, tender sensations that were also supposed to calm him down again. But whether this worked I dared to doubt, because I still felt the raging anger every time Az was reminded of who had done these things to me. Still, I did my best to calm him down and make it easier for all of us. Also, Feyre told me that Estrella would be joining me tomorrow, and that idea filled me with anticipation, and I knew that just her presence would make me feel better. And I also knew that she would help me process all that I might not have been able to discuss with anyone or only her. Maybe also with Az, when he had calmed down, but at the moment I needed distance, also to him, I needed to know how I stood to the whole situation and if I was still limiting myself too much. If I wanted Azriel and he wanted me too, then I wanted to be ready to give him everything, all of me and not just half. I wanted to be ready for him and I didn't know if I was at the moment. But I would work on it for him and for me, because I wanted to put the past to rest, to be done with it. And I would start doing that today, by giving a burden of mine and distributing it on the shoulders of the others, so that together we could carry the burden and resolve it.
Feyre and Morrigan looked up and looked at me intently now. I had already sat down, which had required more pain than I had suspected, but at least I had the welts most over my bottom and thighs. Still; I sat now and looked at the cup in my hand, which had been refilled with tea again.
'Are you sure? We can-'
'No, I'm sure, I want to tell you if you'll let me', I said, looking at them sincerely and getting nods from both of them.
'Okay then', I exhaled and began to tell my story.
'When we moved to Hewn City, I stayed with my mother and her husband, my stepfather, for a while. I didn't know why we had moved there but we had just left Velaris and everything was pretty new to me. I quickly learned that it was very different in the Hewn City than here in Velaris, but I quickly had to play the role of the little girl who submitted to the big men in this city, even my mother had played this game. I never knew why, in the past she had always been such a strong and talented woman who would never have put herself under a man, but a lot had changed when my father had left us and my mother had subsequently gotten herself a new one. Despite this, my stepfather was not someone you would have liked to live with and so I quickly disappeared when I realized I was old enough to earn my own money. At first, I worked in a bar and hoped that I would get by that way, but the money at the time wasn't even enough to pay the rent and I had to quickly find a second job until one of the other bartenders pointed out to me that as a young girl it was probably better to earn money as a prostitute. I rejected this job and this direction at first and didn't want to have anything to do with it because it felt wrong, but I gradually came to see how I was developing into a woman, one with needs that were pressing to be satisfied.
And soon after my seventeenth birthday I went to a bar and watched the prostitutes at their work of seduction. It seemed easy enough and I thought at the time that not all the men of the Hewn City were bad. Well, I probably couldn't have been more wrong, but I was naive. I knew such a job would not be easy by any means, but I had the privilege of turning down the men if I wanted to and that gave me some security. After some deliberation, I had signed up at a bar for prostitutes and was admitted. It wasn't long before the men were all over me, feasting on me, demanding that I escort them to bed. And I was desperate enough, I needed all the money I could get, because I didn't want to go back. So, I looked ahead. And took man after man to my bed and they all enjoyed having their way with me, I was young and pretty and the perfect picture for old guys. I quickly learned to turn it all off when I was with these men and they paid more for me, I didn't know why but they seemed to think I was theirs because there was hardly anyone like me in the prostitution business. And in this business, people gossiped. I heard things about Keir's women and was put off by every bit of what I heard and was glad I would never have anything to do with him. But I also heard that the girls were pretty, all young and some from Velaris as well. I didn't know how I finally got the information that Estrella's family had sold them, but it shocked me to the core. And I hoped with all that was in me that she was not brought here. But I had this nagging feeling and began to investigate. About the girls under Keir's hand and came in contact with some of his slaves who brought me information about the girls for some money, until I heard about a girl with long blond hair and brown eyes. And, I was sure. Estrella had been sold to Keir and I became afraid for her. She had always been kind and cheerful, her family had loved her, and yet now she was with Keir. One day, as I walked past one of his rooms, I caught a glimpse. And I saw Estrella. She had grown thin, pitiful, her blonde hair hung dull and dirty, her wagons were sunken and black circles stood out under her eyes. But worst of all, she was no longer the one I knew. Her eyes were glazed over, absent, and I knew if I didn't get her from Keir, I would lose my best friend forever. I made short work of it and set up a meeting with Keir and I knew what I could offer him. A body for a body. Of course, Keir saw a girl of eighteen, with curves, with life in her, someone who wasn't broken. And he saw that he could be the one to break me. It wasn't long before he agreed with me and released Estrella, before demanding that I make a bargain with him, otherwise our promise wouldn't hold. I was stupid because I already had Estrella at that moment and I had contacts with whom she would have been released, but I only saw the man standing in front of me, the man who had broken Estrella and I was afraid. So, I agreed with him and since then I have been bound to him. But it didn't stop me from traveling with Estrella all over the Night Court and saving money that I gave to a woman who claimed she could winnow us there. She could, as it turned out, but the money she was charging me was abysmally high, but I would give any price for my friend's life. Even my own. The woman took us to Dawn Court in one of the villages near the palace and also near the healers. I took Estrella there in the hope that they would take her in. I told them what had happened and was about to pay them, when the main healer showed up and took Estrella under her wing. I was and am eternally grateful to her for bringing Estrella out of that hole of darkness. She came to me afterwards and said she would take care of her personally and no payment or anything else would be needed. She said that the trip had taken enough out of me and I could say goodbye before I left. It hurt to see Estrella like that, so absent. I never knew if she recognized me or if she still had memories of me. Nevertheless, I let her go so that she could become herself again. I left with a clear conscience and felt lighter. But I knew what was ahead of me and that made me nervous. I went back knowing I had done something good, but fearing something much worse for myself. And it was true, because Keir did not let go of me for a second, although I delayed our meetings every time until the bargain forced me back to him. This has been going on for a while now and I have tried again and again to find a way to escape him, but to no avail.
That's why I have to go to him. I can't help it because I'm forced to, because of a decision I made back then, but if it would have put Estrella's life at risk, I would do it again. She was all I had then, that's why I took the risk, I couldn't lose her too. The thoughts that I would have been so alone all of a sudden was horrible. And at moments I thought that if she didn't come back, a part of me would die too. Because we used to be one heart and soul, always together at some market or in the gardens of our neighbours to steal mirabelles.'
I smiled at this memory.
'I would do it again', I concluded, and looked at the two of them. They had gone quiet since I had started talking, but their compassion and understanding sparkled around the room and I could tell they understood why I had gotten involved with Keir. They understood what it was like to be alone, with the only person who still held you, who stood by you. And if that person fell away, so would you. Feyre and Mor might have done the same, I realized. The way they were all so close in the inner circle, they would die for each other, without hesitation, without any regrets, because it was the right thing to do. Feyre also approached the sofa and sat next to me, Mor on the other side. She took my hand carefully in hers and I had to look into her eyes to make sure they were not Keir's hands. I slowly clasped her hand and took a deep breath before nodding briefly. It was okay, it would be okay. With a little time, it would heal, if I just let it. Mor leaned against the couch and stretched her legs out before settling her foot on my legs.
'My sisters and I, we lived in poverty as humans. After wealth slipped away from us, I went hunting to try to keep my family afloat. And one day a wolf ran across my path. He was huge, so big that you probably knew he was a Fae, but I shot him anyway. That was the beginning of the horror I had to endure before I found peace.'
Feyre smiled a little sadly, yet her smile was determined, her eyes clear, and she began to tell her story, just as I had. And I noticed how I felt safer with them now that we were sharing our past, sharing the horrors we had experienced and that we all hoped to find a better future. When Feyre finished, I had to swallow several times before I looked into her eyes and squeezed her hand. I didn't know how much she had really suffered and what had stood before her in those days of darkness. Her story was intricate, mixed with a love story that I would have expected only in books. She was really my role model, a woman, young and determined to live her life the way she wanted to and I wanted that too. It was already past midnight, the stars were moving across the sky, shimmering down on the cabin where we were still lying on the couch, wrapped comfortably in blankets.
I looked at Mor and smiled slightly. She knew what she was in for because she pressed her lips together slightly and sighed before grinning slightly.
'So Mor', I said, 'tell me your story.' And she began.
'A long, long time ago, there was a little girl...'