A court of shadow and spying (Azriel X OC)

the family

Three days had passed since Feyre had brought me to the hut, two since Estrella was here, but I felt restless. I knew a little rest would do me good and that talking helped me incredibly and made me process everything better, but I also felt myself wanting to go back to the others. To someone, roughly speaking. God, I missed him since the day he had brought Estrella here. He had let me go, but I had also found it difficult to suppress the tugging in my chest that wanted to lead me back to him. The tugging had only gotten worse during the two days and I longed to return to the townhouse, to his arms and his safety. I had already spoken with Estrella and we had agreed to leave tonight, but the day was still young and I was so excited to see Azriel again that I could hardly sit still. As I settled down on the couch, my knee bounced up and down and my tension made Estrella sit down next to me.
'All good?', she said and plopped down on the couch. We had spent the last two days talking exclusively about Keir. Or rather, what he had done to me, the things I probably couldn't have confided in any other soul than Estrella, because she knew what he was like and what he could do to someone. It had made me stronger to talk about it with someone who knew how I was and I could understand why Estrella had felt so comfortable with the women who had been through similar things. You felt understood and no one stared at you with that pitying look. They tried to understand, knew what it was like. And I realized that, too, when Estrella told me some of her story with Keir, too. It probably welded us together even more than usual, because we had both experienced his horror and we were just aware of having someone who understood.
I nodded at her question and put her feet over my lap.
'I'm just a little jittery because we're going back today. Talking to you has really done me incredibly good and helped me and now I'm me again, you know? But the others still don't know much about what actually happened. I will have to tell them.'
'You know you don't have to. You can if you want to. But no one is going to force you there and you know it. Until you find peace within yourself, there will be no peace from others.'
'You sound like Thesan', I muttered, grinning over at her. Really, Estrella had done wonders in those two days. She came when I was upset and down, and with every conversation she had with me, pulled me back from the abyss that now seemed far away. I knew this thing with Keir would definitely not be over and I was still afraid of him, but Estrella had made me see things that were now fact. I had escaped him, I was no longer helpless for a long time and if I didn't always rely on myself alone, the inner circle, along with my beloved, if he could be called that, was behind me to support me. I kept carrying these things to my inner eye and it helped me to see that I really wasn't alone and had friends who wanted to protect me.
'I miss Az', I said after a while, when the silence had spread, because Estrella knew that the previous reason was not the only one why I was so eager to return.
'I really feel like I'm crazy about him. God, every second we are not together and talking my thoughts are with him and I just want him back with me. This is completely absurd, I mean, I just saw him two days ago and-'
I sighed and gestured with my hand. But it was true. My thoughts blurred to him, to his body, to his caring, but also the wildness in him that I knew was very alluring. His affection and respect for me would never be able to go to my head, because he was simply everything I needed and wanted.
 'I sound like a completely smitten little quirk', I smiled, because just thinking his name took my heart to leap. I had really fallen for him through and through and I realized I didn't want to do anything about it either. I wanted him to know, wanted him to realize how much and deeply I felt for him and that it hurt not to be able to be with him. Even though I had set this block in motion. Now I wanted nothing more than to release it again and be in his arms. Estrella smiled knowingly beside me, she already had the man of her dreams wrapped around her finger and soon the wedding would take place. She knew how I felt and once again I was very glad to have someone like her.
'You'll be with him again soon', she said mischievously and hooked her feet between my thighs to warm them.
'But the way you rave about him, it must really be the one' she laughed and looked back at me. A thoughtful expression flitted across her face and I looked at her for the question that would soon come. She always raised her eyebrows then and chewed lightly on her lower lip as she tried to understand something, not having all the pieces of the puzzle.
'Is he your mate?', she blurted out, her eyes gleaming with delight. She seemed to know that I had suspected it for some time, and I fervently hoped that was the case. But if even Rhys had tipped me off as to what this meant, it seemed clear to me that it was us.
'I think so', I said quietly, a little afraid to voice the guess and thus possibly not be able to fulfil it. But Estrella squealed with delight and her laughter made me grin too. And even if we weren't soul mates, there was something between us that I just couldn't ignore, neither wanted to. I just had to be with Azriel, without him my life would be much less spectacular and exciting. I bit my lip as I thought of him again, his light curved lips, his grin that drove me crazy and I realized how I wanted him. I really couldn't control myself anymore when I was already fantasizing about how his lips were on mine, how they were running along my body.
God stop it, I admonished myself, looking back up at Estrella who was smiling again. She somehow always knew when to speak or just look.
'Come on, let's get the cards out so we can still take advantage of the day.'
Estrella nodded and got up to get us something to do for the rest of the day. It seemed like forever now.