The Upside Of Us

Part 5

[TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of body image, and abuse]

I don't really remember much about what it felt like to come back to a full home. To one with laughter, and remnants of a home cooked meal and tales about our days just because someone cared enough to ask.

I plop face down on my cold bed, my arms cradling my head from a massive headache that would soon render me completely still. I felt cold all the time, no matter how many layers I'd put on in the day.

Mom came home late last night, claiming that work had been tiring. She said she was due to a cup of wine that soon turned to ten until the stain of it was left as a mark on my skin.

My side had hurt terribly today, she hadn't meant to push my side into the glass table as hard as she did. I knew that much. I'd like to believe she stopped yanking my hair when I wouldn't pick up the broken glass from her bottle when she pulled out too much hair.

She looked at me then, really looked at me. I saw a small glint in her eyes like she knew the monster that hid under my bed better than I did.

I wanted to take a shower and never come out. But I actually wouldn't do that. I would never let Rosie fend for herself like that. My fur monster who was 18 pounds of cuteness. She was a pug, the smallest little thing.

I was dozing off looking out my bedroom window when Rosie came, wiggled her paws and sat her butt on my face. I scrunched up my face and rubbed it. She's evil and gross.

I pointed an accusatory finger at her. "That's not nice Rosie, you don't seat on people's faces." She looked at me but I knew there really wasn't a thought behind those eyes.

I got up and sauntered into my bathroom, turned on a candle. I preferred dimmed lighting, it made it easier to look at myself without crying. I couldn't help but step beside the mirror and look at the marks that adorned my body like a vicious lover.

The fingernails on the inside of my wrists, so angry looking. The bruises mattering my hips scattered in one place. Then there was this one really fugly one, it ran across my shoulder and collarbone from one of moms ex's that got too handsy with a knife too close to my neck.

I looked at the girl in the mirror, all hallow and dark circles from restless nights. The expense of her stomach ceasing her to an ugly brittle insecurity. I covered my stomach with my arms as I stepped away  far from the mirror.

I held my head back as the water poured onto me, I breathe in relief of the warmth coating my body. The bruises weren't all that bad, it could've been worse really. It's just ... it's been months and most of them haven't even faded yet.

I look down and I look like a badly drawn canvas, but full of flaws and imperfections and god I really don't want to cry. I knew I was so much more than this body but I couldn't help but not know how to nurture it in the way it needed.

I turn off the faucet, and wrap myself into my ariel towel that still made me smile like an idiot.

It was so much softer, I had a theory that old boring adult towels were just made of sand paper and anyone who disagreed can suck a toe.

I yelped, almost tripping on my mat when I reached for my phone as it made a sound indicating I got a message.

Adryan <3

Have a good day you grotesque beautiful omelet! Don't forget to drink water ! ps. stop frowning you don't look good :p