1. 𝕻𝖆𝖕𝖊𝖗 𝖂𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 • bbc merlin

𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔱𝔴𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔶-𝔣𝔬𝔲𝔯

[trigger warning: references to self-harm, depression, death, trauma]

📍 Ealdor

⏳ June, 504 AD

Warm lights flashed through the dark forest as my mind continued to spin. I wasn't sure of how much time had passed after I'd collapsed to the floor; the only thing I could tell is that it was now night. I was almost paralysed, scared, cold and felt downright sick. 

Part of me wanted to believe that everything had been a dream. The lights in the distance were policemen with flashlights as they combed the Texan countryside for the missing girl and her horse. Only a couple of days had passed and Dallas and I would soon be brought back home to San Antonio. But as I looked down at the armour on my body and the bow that laid some metres away from me, I knew that it was just wishful thinking. 

I had killed multiple people in successive order without an ounce of mercy. Without hesitation. Who cares if it was in defence of other people? The fact is – I killed them. My hands were covered in blood forever. No amount of scrubbing would wipe it. It was permanent. I could go on countless missionary trips for the rest of my life, and it still wouldn't stop being true. 

"Astra!" I heard male voices shouting in the distance. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my mind of the haunting thoughts. Dallas stood beside me, his head down as he nibbled on some grass. I reached out to him and tangled my fingers in his mane, desperate for something to ground me. 

"Astra!" I heard again. I opened my mouth, wanting to shout back, but a sob came instead. I let my forehead drop to my horse's leg beside me and did my best to take deep breaths, attempting to stop the crying that threatened to take me over. Murderers don't get to cry. 

"Astra," the voice was softer this time. Closer. I turned my head and spotted a figure running towards me, then it dropped to its knees in front of me. It was a pale and teary-eyed Merlin. "Oh, Astra," he mumbled as he moved to hug me tightly. I dropped my head to his shoulder, but remained unmoving otherwise as my body trembled. 

"Arthur! She is here!" my friend called out to the Prince, who appeared on the scene shortly after, instantly dropping next to Merlin. "Astra," he whispered as the sorcerer pulled away from me. I looked up to find worry clouding his pretty eyes. The blond cupped my face while Merlin looked my body up and down in search of injuries. I knew there were none, but found myself unable to speak as I struggled to breathe steadily. 

"She appears to be in some sort of shock, but she is physically unharmed," the sorcerer concluded with a sigh as he stood up and went to retrieve the discarded bow. 

"We should get her home," Arthur announced before picking me up bridal-style. I let my head rest against his chest, finding comfort in the beating of his heart.