1. 𝕻𝖆𝖕𝖊𝖗 𝖂𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 • bbc merlin

𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔱𝔴𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔶-𝔢𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱

[trigger warning – references to self-harm, mental illness]

📍 Camelot

⏳ July, 504 AD

"What do you mean she is gone?!" a bewildered Arthur yelled at a deflated-looking Merlin, ignoring the folded paper that he was handing him. "She was needed back in America..." the raven-haired boy replied, trailing off as tears began to pool in his eyes again. "So she simply left?!" the Prince questioned, running his hands over his hair. The young sorcerer gave up on trying to get him to grab the letter and simply placed it on the nightstand. "What about Camelot? My father? What about me? And you? We need her too!" the blond's outburst continued. 

He had just woken up from Anhora's drought, only an hour after Astraea had left. Merlin thought he'd have more time to process his own feelings and figure out a way to explain things, but the Prince had asked for the girl almost as soon as his eyes had opened.

"It was not easy for her, Arthur!" the sorcerer defended his best friend, wiping at his eyes. "How could you let her go that easily!?" the attacks continued. Merlin's heart clenched in his chest as he looked away. If only he could tell him the truth...but Astra had made him promise that no one would find out. 

The Prince's eyes had tears pooling in them now, too, as he looked down at his hands. "Did we really mean that little to her?" he whispered as he fought the urge to break down crying. "It was not like that, Arthur. She cares about us. More than you will ever know. But she did not have a choice," Merlin responded weakly. "She did have a choice! Everyone always has a choice!" the blond wouldn't hear any of it. 

He had tried so hard to be someone she wouldn't be disappointed of – kinder, more considerate, braver in front of his father, less arrogant. And for what? He didn't sign up to have his heart torn out of his chest like this! The small brunette had done a real number on him. Maybe, if he hadn't been so stupid, he would not have brought a curse upon Camelot and he might have been able to spend more time with her. Put on his big boy pants and finally tell her how he felt. Now he would never have the chance. 

"It was a very difficult thing for her. Just know that she truly cares for you," Merlin whispered, then threw the letter at the Prince's lap before leaving. He didn't have the energy to deal with him. 

Arthur watched him go and then sighed, unfolding the paper. He frowned down at it. The penmanship was very messy – clearly Astra had struggled to write it – but he was soon able to read it. 

Dear Artie, 

I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to say goodbye properly. I should've told you sooner, but I couldn't find the right words. I still can't. Everything's a big mess and I really don't wanna go. But I don't have a choice. ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶u̶p̶p̶o̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶.̶