the mind of a teenager.

10/28/21

Almost a year since i have written. i lost my need for rants. my perverted escape to which i burden strangers with my problems.i lay here almost 17. carrying the same issues i wished to to rid myself of. i feel so alone. very alone. most importantly i feel:
- used
-played
-sick
-wasted potential
-burnout
-selfish
-vulnerable
-disgusting
-disgrace
                                        NUMB!

i call for it. i don't want to feel like this. i used to wish to have feelings. but  it's killing me. now here i lay. spewing my thoughts. as i ponder on my life.

why must people be like this. why must i be made to feel like this. why must i be used for others benefits. must i scream it from the heavens ? my frustrations are so strong that my intentions mimic them.
anger my whole body courses with it.
sadness my eyes tell the story the mouth can't say
hope my mind holds the reason to keep going.

i have been silenced. once upon a time i had someone. moon. i could rant to her the whole time but she has left me. she left when i decided to defy my future. i will not look like her. i will not be her. i want to me him. my new guardian. ghost. he doesn't leave me like moon did. to him i'm his mortal, and he is my ghost. he lets me become who i wish to be,  unlike moon, and i am able to be me. kai . generic name. but ghost stole mine. and it's a weird name. he calls me names so i can find the one which matches me.
"Venus?" too feminine
"eden?" too feminine
" Felix?" too awkward
"rayne?" i like ? middle name ??
"fae?" my friends pronouns...
"sage" unsure
"kai?" generic but i like it!

i've always struggled with my gender. i was afab. i like dressing feminine. i don't like presenting female. i hate feminine terms. but i also dislike gender neutral ones. they seem too forced. so i stick with the same i chose at first for simple reasons. eden. oh how i wish i can be free. free to be me.

free like a butterfly...