the mind of a teenager.

body image

the body. living proof that you exist. it takes you everywhere you need to be. it does whatever you want it to. however it doesn't always look how you would like. the voices have taught me to hate the thing that maintains it so they can continue to destroy me. as i stare at the mirror i am reminded by the permanent scars on my thighs of what i am. fat. ugly. the voices in my head tell me the same thing yet even though i knew i was never overweight my mind helps me believe what i hear. the voices construct what they want me to do in the day. lie in bed. thats fine i do that everyday. only drink water. well i only like sparkling water but okay i guess. then they become more demanding when they see how obedient i am because i thought i trusted them. skip breakfast. well okay i mean i've never been a fan of breakfast. skip lunch it will make you feel better. well if you say i'll feel better if i do so. that's all i've ever wanted was to feel alright and now my thoughts were telling me i could... i thought they wanted to help me slowly kill me. skip dinner now because your body shouldn't taste food until you meet certain beauty standards." wait i can't skip dinner my mum will be concerned i haven't eaten" say your feeling sick she always believes you when you use that excuse. she just wants you to be her little "morgie" again why keep that from her? thats selfish. she'll be happier when you are skinny and happy. sometimes i fail these tasks and i regret it. the voices torment me harder even though i doubt thats possible. they say what i've always thought thanks to them. your fat. i know . your ugly. i know. sometimes my punishment is them invading my safe space. the darkness. and slipping in extra reminders of what they think of me. turning my safe place into my worst nightmare. creating my fear of the darkness. i get the reminder of what i am every time i look at my thighs thanks to the voices who made me do this to myself. they will never be happy until i am an empty shell of who i used to be for them to manipulate more than they already do. skip meals. drink water. if that is what it takes to be happy then so be it. it's a small price to pay for something i'm tired of faking. happiness.