the mind of a teenager.

love

everyone experiences love. love is supposed to be a feeling of bliss. for me it's the opposite. i've always picked the wrong people to love. at first i think they are perfect for me. i give them all of my love. but they turn out like the rest. using me . either because they want to gloat to everyone that they are taken or so they can feel powerful. i may have been in a lot of relationships but i'm very awkward. i fear i could make a mistake and they will leave me. call me weird. call me whatever but i've always felt the need to change myself to the other persons standards. if someone tells me that i would be nicer if i wore certain things i'd do it. you may say i'm a pushover i say i just want people to like me. i get called weird because i had my first kiss at 13 but if i wasn't held to keep my word i wouldn't have had it at all. i said when i was younger i would not have my first kiss until i was 13. so there i was sitting in a park my friends and ex boyfriend. i did not want to do it but i did. that was when i realised what love actually felt like and i realised i didn't love him even though i said i did. i became really down and i got heartbroken because the voices made me think i loved him. i've experienced love since then but its either all one sided or they didn't actually like me. the voices convinced me i was fat and ugly yet i had people giving me strange compliments about my body. i never liked them. they made me uncomfortable. because i knew what they wanted. every relationship i've been in was always fake love. i always thought i had to be older to feel real love and i didn't have to carry on a toxic relationship. i was correct. i've had crushes. a lot actually. never confessed.  but i know someday i will find real love. once the voices let me of course. they always do what is best for me. hopefully what is best for me is a happy relationship but if the voices say different i know i was never meant to love. the voices do know what is best for me. right?