the mind of a teenager.

numb.

numb. all i feel is numb. i can cry. i can smile. but i don't feel anything other than numbness. how does one feel numb? i have no idea. how can one feel numb and still cry ? no idea either. all i know is that even though i can cry and smile i don't feel the emotions. i mean i sense i am sad so i cry. but the smile just happens. some days i feel sad and the numb feeling fades. but for most days i'm just stuck in neutral like in a car. i don't know why i feel like this. i don't know how to stop it. it's a lot better than being overly sad all the time so that's a plus. i didn't choose to feel like this. if i could change it i could. but i can't. maybe it's stopping me. stopping me from ending the pain. because the numb feeling stopped the pain. i don't deserve the numbness i feel. i deserve the pain. i just want to be free. free like a butterfly. the numb feeling holds me back . of course i can smile. that's what people always ask me. of course i can cry. i still get times i can't control my sorrow. the numbness doesn't stop me feeling compassionate. nor does it stop me from being kind. it just prevents me from freeing myself. it stops me showing emotion when i do not need to. it's saves the energy my body wastes on smiling when i do not need to. the energy my body needs. the energy my body doesn't get from sleeping. the energy my body needs to move . to move. i also feel numb to pain. i say i have a high pain tolerance. in fact i used to be the opposite . since i became numb i feel pain a lot less. i pierced my ears twice and yes it hurt a bit but not bad. yes my knee pops out a lot and i don't feel the pain as bad as it was. yes the countless times i've accidentally cut my hand on a knife hurt but it feels like a scratch. honestly i have no idea how. it helps my ignore the pain in my ribs and stomach. it stops me from screaming at the pain in my thighs. i wish someone would break through and help me. or if i could break myself free. i want to be free. like a butterfly.