the mind of a teenager.

apologies

i have always been the first to apologise when something goes wrong. even if it is not my mistake. an argument that involves me? i'm sorry that i started this i didn't mean to. an argument that doesn't involve me? i'm sorry for my friends mistakes they didn't mean to honestly. saying something mean? i'm sorry that i said that i didn't think before i spoke i won't do it again. you can see what i mean. i'm always overly apologetic for everything. one time i apologised to a table for hitting it with my chair. the point is i say sorry so often i'm surprised it still has any meaning left to it. no i wasn't bullied into being sorry for everything. it's fear. the fear i am going to one day lose those closest to me. the fear my words will hurt them so much they hate my existence. so after almost everything i say i apologise may it be offensive or a compliment i feel they make take into the wrong context. i apologise so much that i can't imagine what i would say if i didn't apologise. this makes me an easy target for people to use to get sympathy. because if i apologise apparently it's heartfelt. i have no idea why but everyone says i am. they know no matter how much i say sorry i still mean it every time i do say it. i get sad sometimes. of course everyone gets sad. but i get really sad when others start to say that i always leave others to apologise for my mistakes. that makes me sad because i apologise first always. even when i'm told it's not my fault i still do apologise. i've apologised in every situation that i know not to shorten my words. i should never not punctuate my sentences. i should never use slang. i should act respectful and always give my full emotions into the apology. of course there's only so many words in the english language and yes my apology's are formal. but i know how to write a heartfelt apology and i know how to write a petty apology from the amount i've received after i give 100% of my emotions into it. no i do not expect to receive what i give. i just wish that someone puts the same amount of care into their apology that i do. a simple " i'm sorry it was my mistake and i understand that i didn't mean to be so cruel " would be fine. i'm a very apologetic person. i think that's why moon helps me. i apologise so much i think that's why the voices are so cruel as they know my weakness. i think that's why the darkness lets me be free from the constant word sorry that leaves my lips. i think that's why my fear becomes stronger. i do not wish to be impolite. i do not wish to be mean. i want to be kind. i want to me happy. i want to be free. god let me be free please.