Different Indifferents

BPD

I rung the door bell , Finn was standing behind me and after a while , a fair skinned lady in her mid-forties opened the door. She looked terrible, her eyes were puffy and cheeks were dry and it seemed as if she cried until she ran out of tears.

 We greeted her and introduced us. She gave a faint smile and showed us the way inside. We entered the house, it was not that big but it felt comfy and had that cozy feeling. The lady told us to sit on the sofa and told us to wait as she was going to call Lucia. I stopped her in middle and asked her out of my curiosity, " Excuse me aunt , I really sorry to interrupt you but you are ?".

The lady smiled at me and said, "I am Lucia's mother". And then she left.

After 10 minutes Lucia came, she looked pale. Her hair were were poorly tied into a messy bun and her face was dry and eyes were red. Her mother told us to talk while she went to prepare us some tea. I asked Lucia if she was okay. She tried to reply but she could not so she gave me a slight nod. I told her, "Lucia, if there is anything feel free to tell me, telling will lighten your burden. Don't worry everything is fine ". She glanced at Finn who was sitting beside me and then again started to stare at floor. Finn probably made her uncomfortable, I looked at him and he seemed to understand the situation.

He stood up and said, " You two can continue, I will be back in a while". I gave him a nod. I now sat closer to Lucia, I held her hand and said, " What happened ? "

She stared at me, her eyes were red and she could not hold it in any longer. I patted her and said, "Cry it all out". While she was crying her mother peeked and probably she was also about to cry so she left right away. Lucia continued to cry for quite some time. She was calm and I told her,  "Probably we should go out for a walk " . She agreed and went out , few minutes went out in silence. I decided to break the silence ," I am sorry, but I am not good at comforting people, hope you can understand " I said while looking down at the floor. She smiled, " I don't know about others but you were quite good at it". 

-"Thank you , glad to hear ".

-"By the way, don't you want to know why I cried and why was I absent from school for over a week". -"I don't know the reason, but I know that the reason is big enough to make you a bit uncomfortable to tell me right away so just take your time". -"My father got into an accident, he is right now in the ICU and .... in co..com...coma". I froze , my heart started beating fast and I had another blackout but I controlled myself. Lucia saw me and asked me why was I silent. I could not tell her condition so I told her another truth,  "Frankly, I don't know how to react but I just feel sorry for you because somehow I understand that feeling of fear of losing someone and right , its getting late now you should head home now and I will come to meet you tomorrow again. Try to think less and buckle up my friend you will be fine and he will also be fine". 

She left and my condition was not good, I got blank and my heart beat was fast yet weird and I could hear everything but yet it didn't feel real. I sat on a bench at the corner of the road. I inhaled and exhaled deeply to calm myself down but could not.

Suddenly , a voice came up, "Hey, are you okay ?" I looked up, it was Finn. I had totally forgotten that he came with me and just went out for a while to let us talk freely. 

"I am alright, yes I am .....I guess ".

He sat on the chair beside me and said , " Guesses won't work here Anna, I was right behind you two and you seemed lost right at the moment when she brought the issue of her father. By any chance, did anything happened to you or your family in past? I know you might not want to tell me, you don't need to but as a friend of yours it is my advice to you, don't let your emotions go overboard or drive you away".

Right at that moment I thought about that day a week ago when I cried on the rooftop. I wondered, I never actually cried in front of anyone because they would feel pity for me or would think I am weak but now whenever I tried to cry, Finn was the one who always saw me. Although he comforted me every time but I still was uncomfortable because no matter if he was a friend but he still felt like some stranger( I have severe trust issues).

 After I went home that day, out of curiosity I searched on web if something was wrong with me. And I got to know that I was matching with most of the symptoms of BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) and it was almost incurable as I researched further. Until now it was only me who knew about it and this was the reason due to which I got blanked whenever I heard about any tragedy like that just now.

While I was thinking all this Finn said, "See , you seem lost again". I came back in the present. I said it was nothing but I am just too sensible to these kind of things and I just feel too bad for her when I think about it. He didn't seem satisfied with this answer but he just nodded and decided to let it go. We sat there for a while, when I calmed myself down I told him that I would come here tomorrow too, there was no need for him to come and rest. Saying this, I said bye to him and left.I reached home when it was around the time of sunset. Now , I sat in my room thinking when did it all started. My strange behavior, this disorder? When did it exactly start? I thought about a while and came to a time before which none of that event had happened to me, as far as I remember at least. It was April two years ago, I going on a trip with my family after a long time by car. We were all very happy and were half way left to our destination. I stopped by a hotel to get some rest and eat something . All of us washed up and came to the dining area to have lunch.

My father got a call and he left to take it, he was standing at corner and right ahead my eyes. He picked up the call and just after a couple of moments , I saw that tears shed from his eyes.

Yes, this was the first time I saw him crying. I was worried what happened to him. He came to my mom and whispered something in her ears, I was curious and worried by now.