Sad Blart : Fall Cop

Prologue - Lifes Segways

A little while ago, I thought I'd finally triumphed. I'd avoided my peak. It seemed like I'd succeeded not only as a man but also as an officer of the law. It felt like a badge of honour and I thought it mattered... But not always.

Before that moment I thought my achievements were nothing special but...Vegas was hard. Like many things in life. Unfortunately going home was even harder. I ended my obsession with the hottest lady in the Wynn Hotel. Divina. I let her get the memo. Paul Blart just isn't right. Eduardo is her man.

As for me. Officer Blart... I've let things go. Myself included. Regretfully I've put on some extra weight. Gotten a bit... Well... Fatter. The pain every day stays the same. Especially without company. The home's a bit lonely without a family but like I thought in LA some of us are meant to ride alone.

That loneliness is unwanted. Just like my dreaded condition. My worst enemy. My hypoglycemia has gotten worse and worse as I continue to suffer both mentally and physically. The devoted, the artists and the workers, the fat and the pudgy... They fall to their suffering and I fall due to a lack of sugar. I also fall if something hits me. A car. A horse's leg. I'm a clumsy man only getting clumsier. I hold onto things and try not to let go.

At one point in our lives, we all have to let something go, and for me that something was my 19-year-old sweetheart Maya. The last person in my life that meant the most to me. Mom's love always haunts me even after her death... And dad? He's long gone. But my journey ain't over yet. It's changing like the destination of a Segway.

The path you take evolves. The people you meet. The food you eat. It can make you fat and unattractive, yes but there's more to life than being big. There's your job. Your choice. Your devotion. Now I've always been devoted to the law. Protecting what I can for as long as possible. That lifetime of police training, hard work, and dedication change us. It can transform a man like me into a broken Mall Cop. Back in Jersey. Guarding the West Orange Pavillion Mall where I started.

Patrolling the malls endlessly, stopping criminals, and trying to help the community. Is it to be kind? Or is it to get stuck in that same old routine? Complete immersion in the job that fills the cracks and holes in your heart. Just like peanut butter. I know you might like some but it doesn't taste the same without mom around to watch me spread it. Her spirit guided me and without it, I thought I was lost. Despite that though the Mall and the pride I take in keeping it secure may guide me. I try to fly on my own even in danger but the pain hurts.

Sometimes I wish I'd made Maya stay in Jersey but I knew it was her choice. I had to let the bird leave the nest. Let my precious daughter slide on outta here. I knew it was time and at that moment I never felt any better. Even after a horse kicked me! I tried to make a move on this police chick and she gave me her number. Tried calling her later but... She didn't pick up. It seems no one will. Feels like I have to pick myself up.

Have I fallen that far? Has my weight collapsed in on itself that much? I'm not too sure but I know my confidence has. Maybe I meant to ride alone. Maybe I'm trying too hard Am I? I really don't know. One thing I do know is that in the world of online dating... I suck! The whole thing is a dismal affair. I just can't find a match. I don't think I will. Maybe I'm too down in the dumps? Who knows? But at the end of this journey I'll at least remember the good times. The good memories and also the good tunes.

Don't get me started on 70s rock! Frankenstein by The Edgar Winter group. Now that's a Paul Blart pick right there. The seal of approval. Despite that though, the song just isn't the same anymore. Nothing ever will be and I think that's okay. I am a Mall Cop and that's all that will matter. Protect. Observe and report. The Mall Cops code. It's essential sure but as I write this I'm sobbing uncontrollably knowing that the code will inevitably vanish in a slow heart breaking decline that will consume the very nature of my being.

I consume sugar daily but the sorrow bites at me with every passing minute. Shoppers buy stuff up while I suffer eternally. Can I at least get a hug?! A compliment?! No. All I have is myself and my Segway but that's okay. I know it is. Deep down. The shoppers don't. They just consume. I mean come on! Consumer consumption is crazy these days. The customers move like a flock of turkeys! However, the rise in online shopping has reduced the appeal of Malls. They're still diverse, unique spaces that are deserving of security. As you may know, times are changing. The world is always different but I'm the same old Mall Cop deep down. The same one who'd sometimes see the older folk in their mobility scooters, the kids running. It's all a fading memory. A long-gone moment that's tired and weary like yours truly.

The Malls have a purpose but are dying off. I hope to be their watchful aid. A guardian angel. I can see it now. Paul Blart. Saviour of the Mall! Even so, I'm not seeing it. What your reading is all in my mind. I'm only dreaming as I know this might not pan out as expected. An officer like me can dream but that dream isn't ready yet. It isn't even real. It's just a Mall Cops delusion. It's my psyche crumbling apart. It's a bitter pill to swallow. The profits of a mall rise with my sadness. My quest for sugar. The little man falls as he protects the malls. He does a job that's harder than it looks. The little man is only little on the inside. That man on the outside is fat. That man is me.

My heart is a mess. A place that beats to the drums and rhythms of old-time rock and roll. My heart is a place that's hard to fill. It's hard to control and messy hearts are as messy as security Jobs. They're both intense. They never stop until the last minute. I said this at a keynote speech but I'll say it again.

A Mall Cop needs Spidey senses. Just like the heart. Because if the heart can't fend off the horror that's clogging the arteries, it dies. But my heart's dying for a different reason. It's dying because there's nobody home. Nobody was there for me in my pathetic overhyped life. No Maya. No mother. Just me and my job as a security guard for the West Orange Pavillion Mall.

Maybe I should enjoy this life. Maybe I should get immersed in the job. I could but there's no real point to any of it. It's a journey I'll take because there's nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to be other than down at the Mall. The place where children would laugh as they fall in the ball pit. As criminals hide in secret and as decorated officers roam years later. It's a series of Paul Blart pastimes slowly rolling by. Like the wheels on a Segway as the ride never ends.