Sad Blart : Fall Cop

Chapter 16 - Another night

Sat at home. Wallowing in regret. It's late again and the TV keeps cycling through the same shows on repeat. Sinking into my chair I reflect upon everything. Choices I've made. Am I a bad person? Am I human? Is there any explanation for all of this... All of life's cruel injustices. All of its suffering. All of the horror and pain, the disgusting story that is my life. My marriage falling apart. My daughter abandoned me for college and Mindy forgot me. Was it all pre-determined or is it all my fault?
Are men only put on this planet to endure our problems? Are we still suppose to survive even if our survival means nothing?

Because I was always going through the lowest points in my life and then suddenly bouncing back but not anymore. Not all fatties get a happy ending. Even us worthless Mall Cops just doing our job. It sometimes feels like we don't deserve a happy ending because our existence is just as criminal as the people we go after.

We have good intentions but have all screwed up. Even when we protect and serve. Even when we climb through barriers and walls no man has ever faced. When we embark on a voyage that sends us spiraling out of control on a wild adventure we all want to be a part of. A journey that will never be forgotten. A trip worth remembering and the inevitable change that comes from that experience.

For me though there is no change or adventure. Only numbness. All of my barriers are gone. Mainly because there is no space. There is nothing. There is no me without Maya or Mindy. The only thing around is a floating badge. A tiny item! My duty. My obligations!

There's almost nothing but a piece of pie and some food. However, obesity is beside the point. Being fat and big shouldn't stop me. Nothing should but it always has because I was never meant to be born this way. Margret was never meant to nurture and love this lousy pile of garbage. Rotting away. Watching TV and staring out at the night sky. Waiting for an ending to satisfy us all. Because we're all criminals. Each of us hoping to escape from our own prisons and mine is the Mall where I am forced to endure my sentence. No matter the cost. No matter what comes next.

In the end when my sentence is over I'll have come out with a story that never ends without my permission. I may last an eternity but no one will remember me. Every last one of my insignificant words will have meant nothing.  None of my words can describe the avalanche of false promises that have slipped through my old and weary mind. Causing me to shed tears of sadness because everyone is nothing. Everyone is away. Mindy is away. Maya is away and I'm gone but still here. Sat alone with nothing but my deepest thoughts and nightmares that I constantly face off against and fall victim to. Because failures don't need this. A man like me doesn't need any of this.

Dignity is given to men but am I man? Am I a hero? No. I'm a fat greasy pig who was always pathetic. Who let this all collapse under his feet?  Who watched his own mother die at the hands of that milk truck and its vicious driver? Who was ignorant of every single thing that ever mattered but himself. Who charges head on untill the end of time. Until everything is said and done. Until every loose end is tied up.

The problem is that loose ends will always exist for some. My life though is destined to end in a sea of grief. A world where I'm constantly drowning in the shallowest of horrors. Forced to witness traumatic events. Forced to go back and forward forever and ever. Finally, I am ready to bow down to in pure submissiveness. Ready to let the show continue. Ready to let the world tear me down because that's all I can do other than what I always do. Us Mall Cops will eventually run out of time. 

I already feel defeated. Ruined. Knocked down. Unable to find a reason for all of this. For now, I wait. I wait and just sat here as I begin to drift off yet again into a world of dreams and faded moments that are slowly decaying each and every day...