Sad Blart : Fall Cop

Chapter 6 - Mall Cops Mistakes

Standing in a pitch-black shed I wait as the door opens and bask in the glorious sunshine. I stare at the cloudy grey sky before riding off into the quiet streets. As I stand on the Segway I breathe in the wonderful air of the outside world and reflect on my experiences in life. The triumphs. The failures. The abuse and the attacks like with any bad memory, criminals and onlookers chase after me. Barking for attention. Daring to go after the mighty Paul Blart. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Although I wasn't that mighty back then.

I was just a failed police officer desperately looking for a way out. looking for a change. A new lease on life. That didn't work out as my marriage with Amy failed and my mom got hit by that stupid truck! It's coincidental, isn't it? A few years later...Boom! Mothers hit by a milk truck. It's poetic justice, isn't it? I didn't mean to run over that thing. It ran after me. I know the milk truck didn't mean to kill my mom either but other than security she was the most important thing in my life! She cared for me. She fed me, she helped me, and then she gets the shaft. Now, what does that sound like to you? Pure selfishness! The mistake of a Mall Cop. It's crazy talk but go on. Think I'm selfish, think I'm worthless because I am. All I have left is security. I have nothing else. I'm a useless bag of fat! A goof that doesn't deserve a second chance at all. You can't redeem me. Someday you just can't redeem a Mall Cop and sometimes a Mall Cop can't redeem himself.

My mind begins to fall apart as I forget to realize that I'm in total control of my Segway. I twist and turn down the streets. Ready to go to work as snot drips from my nose and the feeling of absolute worthlessness smashes every ounce of dignity I ever possessed. All because of a mall cop's mistakes. I cry as a fly lands on my shirt. I whack the obnoxious insect into mush as I begin to think of a logical response to this utter insanity. My mind tells me to think of something polite. Something Ernest. Something respectful and heartfelt. A response that changes everything. Sadly nothing will.

To whoever is reading this and to anyone pursued by a mall cop like me. Goodnight. May you rest peacefully. May you cry without your friends. Love without a companion. May your spirit live on, knowing you weren't brought up with a disgusting disgrace like Officer Paul Blart. A bumbling idiot. A fat mess. A mall cop was on his way to work at 7:30 AM. A time like any other when a pointless potbelly Security Guard loses control. A time when mistakes bite back. Like a nasty criminal wanting revenge. A cruel wicked experience waiting to be discovered on the first floor of the mall. A place I'll never stop loving even as the events and ignorant customers wash over me in a parade of misery.