Sad Blart : Fall Cop

Chapter 3 - The Endless Routine

Wednesday morning 10:13 AM. I'm in my Segway as I pass through the vast world that is the West Orange Pavillion Mall. It's a beautiful place or so I think.  Hearing the noise of patrons and crowds would always bring a smile to my face. Nowadays it's only a past experience. Something with diluted meaning. An unimportant event that used to make me beam with joy.  A nostalgic sound signifying nothing.

It's not too long until I stop and spot an old woman crawling past. I turn to face her and ask her if she's in need of any assistance. "Eh. You're fat." She says as she stares at my miserable face.  Grumpily jaunting away. I remember in Vegas when I accidentally punched an old woman once. She felt really sorry for me and I empathized with her. Well... I at least tried to anyway. Why do old women haunt me? Why am I so traumatized by their presence? What is it that makes this old wrinkly sack of bones tick? What makes any customer at this place tick? What makes them happy? The fact they have money to spend? The fact they're here in this huge crowded Mall? I don't know. I don't even know if this place is crowded. It could all be an illusion. An idea.

Every day I meet similar guests. I'm writing this very journal you're reading to document these encounters. To explain my distressing experiences in the hope that someone will sympathize with a wretched moron like me.  A worthless bucket of lard. A man who doesn't deserve this life. A man who isn't deserving to tell his stories. Why am I telling them then? Because I can even if I shouldn't. I'll tell you the tales of the endless routine day in day out. The Mall Cops life that's slowly growing more and more insufferable.

It might just be me. It might just be fate. Karma? I'm not too sure but whatever it is, it's harming a man like me.  Officer Paul Blart.  I take pride in that name but I also take a lot of abuse. A lot of neglect and anger. A lot of regret and upsetting periods in my life make me the man I am today. A local fool stuck in the monotonous world of Mall security.

Up and down. Up and down. Riding on that same old segway for eternity. Right until I crash. I then stop! I try to avoid getting lost in thought. I head to a candy shop to get some sugary foods. Anything to help me combat my notorious condition. 2 minutes later I quickly pour a torrent of gummy bears into my mouth. Some of them spill onto the floor as I reach to pick them up. A small child laughs at me before walking away. I ignore the chuckling and climb back up onto my segway. Ready to ride once more as repugnant snot drips from my nose. This is a Mall Cops life and I'm okay with that. I spot the fat-shaming old woman again and walk up to her. I look her straight in the eye and say " I may be fat and deprived but at least I'm kind." She hits me with her handbag."You're a waste of space" she says viciously before walking away. The tears return. Drenched in regret.