All I ever wanted

2.

                             2. SUGGESTION

Eevi

Nervously I started to crack my fingers, I always did that when I got anxious.
Then Niko took a grip of my hands so I would stop.
"Please, don't break your fingers." He sighed.
I sighed and stopped. I took a small sip of that hot coffee, Rommi somewhere jumped to the table. He's like the best cat ever, always when I came here and felt anxious for some reason, Rommi helped.
I petted him a little and then he came to my lap.
"I would like you to come with us. You could spend your summer for a different way, and I promise you it will be fun." Niko smiled a little.

"I don't doubt that." I quietly said while I still petted Rommi.
"So..?" Niko asked hopefully. I hesitated. A lot.
I'm not ready to face Olli again, after all these years.
"Are they still together..?" My voice was weak, and I tried not to cry. I lifted my head up to look my brother, and he just nodded. I felt a sharp feeling in my heart.
Then he took my hands and hold them, he looked me straight into my eyes.
"Eevi. I know it's hard for you, I really do. But you have to start living your life more the way you want. Boys would love you to come with us. You were close friends with Olli, I'm sure he would like to meet you again." He talked with calm tone.

I haven't told anyone how our friendship with Olli just drowned under the water. It was my fault.
Because I fell in love with him. I never told anyone that I wrote the poetry to him.
Everyone got confused how I left my best friend Emilia too.
Emilia said that she wrote the letter to him.
She ruined everything.
She knew how big crush I had towards him.
She never told me that maybe she was interested in him too.
That's just classic situation. That your best friend and your crush ends up together.
She's snake. She's betrayer.

"After all these years, I can't forgive her, Niko." I said with my eyes full of tears.
"You're still in love with him, I know. I don't force you to come with us." He said and let go of my hands.
"But Tommi would've liked to meet you. You guys haven't seen in months." He looked me under his eyebrows.
Tommi. I remember how we spent time, just the three of us. Me, Olli and Tommi. We had so much fun. Tommi was always the one you could trust your life with. And still is.
I remember when I didn't hang out with Emilia or Olli anymore, and I was broke as hell.
I cried every day, I stopped eating and got depressed.
Tommi took care of me. He didn't ask what happened.

Tommi spent time with me in my room for hours, when I wasn't able to go anywhere.
He forced me to eat, but gently. He watched movies with me in a dark room, and in silence.
He's just too good friend.

"I would like to meet him too." I said and Niko smiled.
"We all are meeting next week, come with us. You don't have to make the decision right away that are you coming to the tour." Niko took a sip of his coffee and I nodded.

I was walking to my home, listening some music from my headphones.
Music has always been my escape from real world, I listened it all the time. Mostly rock and metal, but there was a few calm and emotional songs too. Rock music can also be very emotional.
My all time favorite song is Bury me deep inside your heart by Him. I listened it a lot when eveything went down ten years ago. It's my comfort song.

As I reached the building, I opened the door and walked in. I always walked the stairs up, and so I did now.
I got in the sixth floor, and I opened my apartment door.
I had the feeling to play piano and sing, so I started to hum as I took my shoes off and walked to my living room where my piano was.
I started to play Je te laisserai des mots.
I have always loved the song. And even tho I don't know how to speak french, I knew how to sing this song.

I repeated the song five times, it calmed my mind.
My phone started to ring, so I stood up and walked to my kitchen where I left my phone.
As I saw the name on the screen, I started to smile.
"Hi Joel." I greeted him as I sat on my couch. It was facetime, and Joel was laying on his bed.

"Hi, did you talk with Niko already?" He asked as he played with his hair, I nodded and he grinned.
"Well, are you coming with us?"
I sighed, and I heard how Joel did too.
"Come on girl, what's the matter? Come with us and you will spent the best summer you have ever had in your life. We will take good care of you." He explained confident.

I looked him with "you know why" face.
Then he started to get it.
"Oh yeah.. but isn't it time to face him and forget the past? Have fun with your life." He said.
I didn't mind about how everyone kept repeating to me how I should move on and so on. I wish I could, but it's not that easy.
I often saw dreams about him, how we were walking on a beach holding hands, how we shared cotton candy in amusement park.
Those are things I will never experience.
With him.
But someone else will. And it hurts my heart.

"I don't know Joel.. it would be hard for me." I sighed.
"Emilia is not coming, so don't worry about it. And hey, you are such an woman who could get anyone in this world, so just forget Olli and move on. You're amazing person and you will find someone who deserves your love and will love you back the way you deserve."
That made me grin.
"Someone like you?" I asked, raising other eyebrow.
He chuckled.
"For example me." He said with confident tone, and that made me chuckle.

There was one night last summer, when we had some quality time with Joel. Or.. it happened few times but no need to worry. We both were broken, drunk and all just happened.
We have stayed as good friends, but sometimes Joel teases me like this. That he tells me how I deserve everything good in life and someone who will love me. Maybe he tries to get to the same bed as me again.
But it was fun and good back then. But it hasn't happened after last summer. Maybe we both are still broken, and maybe we need closure from someone.
But is it right after all?
Well, two single adults, so why not? But I have never forget Olli. And Joel knows that.
He knows that I can't get over him that easily. It has been ten years, and still I am broken and think about him often.

"Do you need any company over there..? I'm bored to lay here all alone." Joel said suggestively.
"Joel.. you know it would end bad.." I sighed.
"It wouldn't, if we just sleep." He raised his eyebrows.
"Please, I'm lonely and so are you." He groaned desperately. I took a deep breath.
"Okay, come over here then. Only if you bring some food with you."

"I will!" He said happily and we ended the call.

I looked out of the window, and daydreamed.
Maybe my life is a mess, is it supposed to be? How people manage with their problems?
I manage my problems sleeping with my friend.
Is that a normal habit?

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